Tag Archives: stupid

Gaga-Gate: The Truth About Super Bowl LI

25 Saturday Feb 2017

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Thank God we know now just how the Falcons lost in such spectacular fashion. It wasn’t the Russians. It wasn’t Trump. The electoral college had nothing to do with it. The KKK was not involved. And it certainly wasn’t a lack of talent and discipline when facing a vastly superior team. No.

It was Lady Gaga. Atlanta WR Mohamed Sanu (rhymes with coo coo) explains:

Wide receiver Mohamed Sanu told the NFL Network’s Good Morning Football on Friday that Lady Gaga’s 40-minute halftime performance “definitely did” impact the team’s play in the second half.

“Usually, halftime is only like 15 minutes, and when you’re not on the field for like an hour, it’s just like going to work out, like a great workout, and you go sit on the couch for an hour and then try to start working out again,” Sanu said on the NFL Network, via by CBS Sports.

Sanu said he doesn’t “know if you can simulate something like” the lengthy halftime break.

Leading up to past Super Bowl appearances, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has had his team stop for a half hour in the middle of practice to simulate the halftime performance.

Bill was cheating again. Neither the Falcons, nor any other team, could ever simulate a halftime break during their practices. Unthinkable. Bill. Cheating. Again. Heck, I’ll bet he messed with the time-space continuum in order to warp the Pats straight through halftime – probably in cahoots with Gaga. Gaga-gate. Five game suspension!

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Gaga frantically communicates with Belichick via “hidden mic” earpiece as Sanu catches on…. Getty.

This is pitiful and delusional even by Loserville standards. They’ll have a hard time topping that after the Pats win SB LII next year.

Foreign Exchange, Silly and Sober

12 Wednesday Oct 2016

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The world is an interesting place. It’s so complex and faceted that one could almost be lulled into belief in “reality.”

Divergence of the reality happens daily with our: two-sided single political party; left/right media, and; Democrat/Republican friendships.

The attention of the left/Democrat fact is right now centered on Donald Trump’s (old) comments about lewd women. “He’s a sexual predator,” they say. In addition to his words, they have a NY court case to point out. It is a transfer from CA. The discovery clock is ticking and the deposition of the plaintiff is noteworthy, chiefly because the plaintiff doesn’t exist. No matter. And it doesn’t matter; everyone knows how Trump acts and thinks. And they defended the same things done by their guy, Clinton, in the 90s.

The attention of the right/Republican crowd is now centered on Hillary Clinton’s corruption at State and in her campaign. “Put her in jail,” they say. They also have a large web of connexions (Yes, I went English with the “x”) between Hillary, State, The DNC, the DOJ, etc. None of this matters either. Everyone knows politics and government are corrupted to the point where corruption is the defining characteristic. And they defended the same things done by their guy, Reagan, in the 80s.

There are other things these people could focus on, like:

  • The fact that the U.S. is utterly bankrupt;
  • The U.S. is 100% controlled by a small clique of international criminals;
  • A major invasion of the West is currently underway; and
  • Strong potential for (pointless) war builds with Russia.

But, never let actual reality get in the way of tabloid nonsense.

Whitney sang that, “the children are our future.” They are. So, let us look at the divergent interest in and of the children in the context of the mixed modern reality – from perspectives Russian and American.

The Russians are recalling their university students, abroad, home – immediately, given the possibility of war and the diplomatic failings in and around Syria. They’re also calling home their retirees. I would say war is a rather far-fetched prospect except that there is one right now and both sides are in it. Escalation is what we (the sane) hope to avoid. The student recall has a political/nationalist angle but it does show Moscow is taking this seriously. They are a serious people.

Americans are a foolish people. Our university students, from out the safe spaces, still cry about what Milo is saying on campus. And the crying of late comes from Bama not Berkeley or UMass or Yale. Things aren’t what they used to be in Tuscaloosa. Never mind that nuclear war thing, there’s a dangerous faggot on the loose!

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The YouTubes.

Fortunately Saturday will bring another round of felon ball and attentions will further divert. Progress, some say.

 

Political Party Time!

24 Sunday May 2015

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I hate politicians.  In Christian terms it is wrong to hate any man.  Politicians are less men than rodents.  Thus, I feel exonerated in my feelings.  Elections are exercises in stupidity and herd-think.  Presidential elections are the worst.

H. L. Mencken summed it up best: “All of the great patriots now engaged in edging and squirming their way toward the Presidency of the Republic run true to form. That is to say, they are all extremely wary, and all more or less palpable frauds. What they want, primarily, is the job; the necessary equipment of inescapable issues, immutable principles and soaring ideals can wait until it becomes more certain which way the mob will be whooping.”  Mencken, 1920.

The difference between 1920 and 2015 is that, back then, there were people pretending to be true patriots.  At some point they dropped the pretense and proceeded from a desire for pure, unadulterated power.  The mob of the American people conveniently ignore this fact.  The television is just too entertaining to disagree with.  The country sinks lower into the sewer of politics.

A political “party” sounds like a fun time until one realizes the term refers not so much to an event as to a lowest, dumbest degenerates ever assembled under the sun (in truth, like all roaches, they prefer the darkness).  Washington warned against them. Mencken ridiculed them.  The people, ever plumbing the depths of stupidity, embrace them with jealous fervor.  It’s “us” Democrats against “them” Republicans and visa versa.  Spare the sane the idiocy of it all.

America is dominated by two predominate political parties.  They are nominally referred to as conservatives and liberals.  As I see it they both liberally dispense what may be conservatively described as bullshit.  The people seem to like it.

Third parties exist, apparently to provide comic relief for the big two.  I experimented with what I thought the most honest of these alternatives, the Libertarians.  Given the choice I would gladly be ruled by Libertarian politicians than those which currently plague us.  However, given power, I am sure they would be corrupted by the mainstream of political discourse.  Anarchy is the only happy solution.  The people do not like happy solutions.  Thus, we are suck with the rats and the roaches.

These parties care nothing about you.  They’re priorities are: bankers, Israel (Likudniks), and anyone else.  Not you.  Not me.

I am sick of this G*****ned nonsense and what it to f**king stop.  Okay? There is no difference between Democrats and Republicans!  They respect and represent neither democracy nor any republic.

fiscal-irresponsibility

(Different approach, same results.  Google.)

An illustrative story from the popular news presses:

If the God-fearing Republicans exist to save us from the Godless, communist Democrats, then why are Republicans Rallying to Save Obama’s Secret Trade Deal?  You can read more about this phenomenon here and here and here.

I’m not entirely sure what this new “secret” trade deal means for America.  But, first, it’s secret.  That means bad when it comes from Washington.  Second, it’s a trade deal. NAFTA and CAFTA, etc. have given American the SHAFTA.  I remember being lied to about NAFTA.  The dirty manufacturing jobs of old, they said, would give way to a new world of high-paying service jobs which would benefit everyone.

In truth, we have lost the industrial work, pay and all.  In exchange we have gained menial minimum wage employment serving hamburgers and such.  Robots and immigrants and Indians now do the productive work for real pay.  What a change.

I’m sure the new law – sure to happen – will be more of the same.  It supposedly grants the President new powers concerning foreign trade.  I understand Obama caught wind of a few, final high-paying jobs left in American and is determined to stamp them out. The displaced workers will receive healthcare and cell phones for the bargain – at a cost.

A few Democrats and Rand Paul (son of the mighty Ron Paul), realizing the potential liabilities of robbing the people of their last shot at the American Dream, have stood in the way.  Paul filibustered against the deal in the Senate.  His speech fell of deaf and stupid ears.  The President will get his way, supported by the “conservative” opposition.  Trade will be geared ever towards non-American interests.  Americans will lose jobs.  Reality TV will continue to be popular among the uneducated rabble.

Just remember this when the election rolls around and the Bush/Romney/Christie machine makes the usual patriotic rumblings.  Remember it when Hitlary bashes the GOP for being unsupportive of freedom.  Blah, blah.  Sounds like the same old BS to me.

Remember, if you can, how the various Democratic Congresses and Bill Clinton ran up the national debt, creating new and useless government programs along the way.  George Bush, the dimmer, was elected to change all that.  He promptly created new agencies and doubled the debt while commencing new wars everywhere.  His Excellency, Barack Hussein Osama, was elected to reverse course.  Dutifully, he doubled the debt again while continuing and adding to the wars.  Now he wants to finish off the trade work began by Clinton and Bush the Vomiter.  I see a conspiracy.

The people, bloated by beer and television see nothing.  They hear nothing.  They say nothing.  One of the new fools (or an old fool) foisted upon us by the elite will be the next President.  Business will continue as usual.

Spare me your partisan rhetoric this year and next.

 

Baltimore, Applecore…

29 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by in Legal/Political Columns, News and Notes

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It’s not my normal realm of study but I feel like I should say something about the riots and chaos currently erupting in Baltimore.

The situation in Maryland, evolving night by night, highlights two problems plaguing all of post-modern Amerika.  One is the trouble of the militarization of our police forces. The Baltimore police appear to have murdered a man (and I have limited facts to based this assessment on).  However, this happens all across the country on a daily basis.  It’s part of the War on Freedom.

Naturally, such crimes upset the populace.  They become restless.  Bereft of a government and society that gives a damn, they take to the streets to protest openly in the only way they can.

Add in a few professional agitators and militants and you have the violence and destruction you see on the nightly news.  This spectacle illustrates another problem with our society: that some cannot or will not conduct themselves according to the norms of civilization.  One would think they had recently emerged from a cave with an angry conscience and arms conditioned for throwing bricks and bottles.

Caught in the midst of these idiotic forces are the rest of us.  Cars and buildings are burned.  Lives ruined. Peace disrupted.  I have few answers for these evils.

Apparently I am not alone.  The best the stupid mayor of Baltimore can come up with is a strategy of giving the lawless “space to destroy.”  I suggest the affected property owners and insurance companies add this woman to their list of plaintiffs in their respective civil tort suits.  Remember, when you head to the polls come the next election, that this is the best our beloved Democrats and Republicans can do.

The press in Briton, often much more able to report on American issues than the American puppet press, notes that as the city burned, shopkeepers called on the police (who started this war in the first place) to help them and save them from the afore-mentioned cave dwellers.  These pleas for help were completely ignored.

The real purpose of the police is to enforce state power.  The reason given to the gullible public is to “serve and protect.”  When the Sh*t hits the fan, they do neither.  They retreat into phalanxs to protect their own and nothing more.  You, the innocent, are on your own.

As such, you need to arm yourselves.  During the 1990’s era riots in Los Angles some store owners gave up on the police and protected themselves the old fashioned way – with shotguns and rifles.  This approach worked perfectly.  Those from the caves do not wish to be riddled with bullets and, thus, leave the well armed alone.  Another benefit of the Second Amendment.

Rather than rely on moronic politicians and their corrupt police forces, instead put your faith in yourselves and people like Baltimore’s Mother of the Year.  Better yet, be like her and directly put an end to whatever of this madness you encounter.  Direct intervention is the only way to preserve freedom.

mother-of-the-year

(Fight the power, if you must, but don’t mess with Mama.  Google.)

 

The Unfriendly Skies: Drones Banned In Augusta

18 Wednesday Mar 2015

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Should you have the honor of attending this years Masters Tournament you may breathe easy – no pesky drones will disturb your golf gazing.  I doubt you were concerned to begin with.  You probably hadn’t even considered the idea.

Never apt to miss out on a non-issue the idiots of the Augusta City Commission has outlawed the (private) use of unmanned aircraft during this year’s tournament. “Hoping to prevent a drone disruption at this year’s Masters Tournament, Augusta commissioners approved a county-wide ban on launching or operating the remote-controlled aircraft between April 2 and April 13.”  Susan McCord, Drone ban in effect April 2-13, Augusta (GA) Chronicle, March 18, 2015.

The reasoning behind the ban is as solid as the air above the Augusta National: “Drones ‘have gotten very sophisticated,’ and Augusta has a ‘very big, international event’ coming up, said sheriff’s Col. Robert Partain.”  This is as logically connected as saying there are a lot of people in India and pillows are very soft, thus we must own lawnmowers…

drone1

(Bad drone.  Google Images.)

I was not present for the drafting, discussion or voting on this ordinance.  I really don’t think that matters.  The thing smells funny.  The Chronicle mentions a single incident whereby an event was disrupted by a drone – one event in Europe.  I have heard of no threat posed by non-government drones in America.  Government drones are another story; see: Don’t Drone Me, Bro! and Droning On and On.

Drone11111111-156150-165663-166189-172588-640x480

(Good drone.  Google.)

Other American cities (Charlottesville, VA, Syracuse, NY, etc.) have previously banned drones.  However, their bans are directed towards drones nefariously used by government agents in an effort to defend civil liberties.  Charlottesville, home of Thomas Jefferson’s home and University, has a “long tradition of promoting civil liberties.” Augusta has a long tradition of the opposite kind.

Here follows the pertinent and sensible resolutions of Syracuse’s ordinance:

BE IT RESOLVED, that this Resolution declares that no agency of the City of Syracuse, nor any agents under contract with the City, will operate Drones in the airspace over the City of Syracuse until federal and state laws, rules and regulations regarding the use of Drones are adopted that adequately protects the privacy of the population as guaranteed by the First and Fourth Amendments to the U.S. Constitution; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, that the Syracuse Common Council urges our Federal and State officials to create and adopt such laws, rules and regulations regarding the use of Drones which ensures Constitutional protections of individuals; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, that, to the extent permitted by law, it is the policy of this Common Council that no Drones will be purchased, leased, borrowed, tested or otherwise utilized by the City of Syracuse or its agencies, directly or through contract, until such Constitutional safeguards are in place, the appropriate personnel are trained and fully authorized by the FAA to safely operate Drones and that the Corporation Counsel of the City of Syracuse certifies that all City of Syracuse personnel engaged in the use of Drones have been trained in federal, state and local privacy laws, regulations, and enforcement mechanisms affecting drone operations and any data collected by drone operations…

Note that this ordinance is aimed at ensuring “Constitutional protections of individuals.” The Georgia version ensures a media monopoly for a single sporting event at the expense of the liberty of hundreds of thousands of individuals in the surrounding area. It is as stupid and illegal as it is unnecessary.

The National naturally desires to keep the most prestigious sporting event in the world private.  That is understandable; they have a right to privacy.  Happily, their rights and the rights of their patrons and golfers are protected by existing laws.  Flying a drone over the property without permission already would constitute a trespass and a nuisance – prohibited by both existing criminal and civil tort law.

Now, should you, as a news reporter, wish to film from the air the crowd entering the National patron gate, you are out of luck.  If you’re the President needing to remotely bomb demonstrators (terrorists), no problem.  A real estate broker surveying land, not this week.  A cop spying on a gardener, sure, why not.  Concerned citizen keeping an eye on one of the cops’ illegal roadblocks, you are a criminal.  See where this is going?

Something tells me that, if challenged, the Augusta ordinance will fall in Court – after the tournament is over, of course.  I have already heard of plans to defy the law.  One aviator proposes to use a balloon or kite to launch a camera skyward.  Whether the city defines these devices as drones or not they will likely prosecute this man.  They will lose. They will face a lawsuit.  Those hundreds of thousands of citizens whose liberties have been infringed will be forced to pay damages.  Sadly, those citizens will continue to re-elect the Commission.  The beat goes on.

If you come to Augusta for the tournament, enjoy it.  You’ll have a great, drone free experience.  If you live in the Garden City, consider moving somewhere else where your rights are valued.

 

 

Wednesday Night News: Guns, Bombs, and Communism

17 Wednesday Apr 2013

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Details about Monday’s horrific bombing in Boston and the resulting investigation continue to trickle out.  I’m still not jumping to conclusions or putting stock in the evolving stories, not yet.  When the government has an official line, then I will attack it.  I do not trust anything the government says.  You shouldn’t either.  Don’t trust the press (American press) either.

Some of the trashier domestic presstitutes at Salon actually ran a story called Let’s Hope The Boston Marathon Bomber Is A White American.  That would fit a certain agenda.  CBS Boston and the AP report a suspect has been identified via surveillance footage from Lord and Taylor.  Salon may get its wish: the “suspect” reportedly is a white male (although he wore a hoodie and a backwards ball cap).  Apparently he used a cell phone, which may trap him (unless he just used it as a face-hiding prop).  The FBI is searching records to see who made calls from the scene. This may give the suspect a name and address.

cleanup

(Army and CIA personnel hurriedly attempt to scour all evidence of military-grade high explosives and nano-thermites from the bomb scene as such materials would cast doubt upon a “home-grown” local yokel theory.  UK Daily Mail.)

Alas for Salon, CNN has reported the suspect may be a dark-skinned male.  This would upset some people but it would also fit another agenda. 

I don’t have an agenda but I do have theories.  One is that this sad affair was a false flag operation initiated by criminal elements within the government, the military-industrial complex, and the international banksters (sorry for that redundancy).  The suspect could be white, black, brown, yellow, green, or purple and the elite would have an excuse to usurp something somewhere.  The reasons why are too numerous to list, but might include: new wars, freedom quashing, gun grabbing, gold grabbing, diversion from the economic collapse, some satanic ritual.  Who really knows.

Another theory I have is that maybe the bomber(s) was a disgruntled or psychotic veteran of Washington’s wars who, with or without official assistance, decided to bring a little IED action home to the masses.  Despite all the “support the troops” hype our veterans are treated like third-class trash at home as they grapple with physical, mental, emotional, and financial hardships.  Suicide is a leading (if not number one) killer of such men and more than a few have acted out their ingrained violent tendencies against other Americans at home (i.e. the Texas(?) gun range killing [soldier on soldier]).  I’ve dealt with this firsthand in my legal practice.  I’ve also seen how that certain criminal element among the globalists (redundant again, sorry) loves to capitalize on this sort of thing.

Time will tell.  Look for no justice.

Look for no sanity either – apparently a pack of good old American looters descended on the scene of the bombing to make off with whatever they could – perhaps even as others lay bleeding and limbless nearby.  Pathetic…

Along the lines of grabbing guns and freedom from the People, President Sotoro is madder than a hornet over the Senate’s rejection (for now) of new firearm background checks.  Politico called this Barry’s biggest loss.  I guess his birth certificate loss doesn’t count.  The great community activist even called Second Amendment civil rights activists “liars” – this from the foreign exchange President.  Even more pathetic.

The Senate voted 54-46 against the illegal measure (for now).  I am happy to report that, due to that letter I sent last week, both of Georgia’s Senators voted against the bill and for the People.  Good on ya, men!  Letters work sometimes. 

By the way, Senator John McInsane of Arizona, the former darling of so many “conservatives” and other idiots, voted for the measure.  Go figure.  That boy picked up a local bug at the Hanoi Hilton.  It’s time for him to retire and rid us of his dastardly ways.

Another moron that needs to just go away is “The Jerk” Bloomberg in NYC.  His excellence snorted, “Today’s vote is a damning indictment of the stranglehold that special interests have on Washington.”  No, Jerk, it’s an amazing affirmance of the Constitution in Washington.  Go suck a 32 oz. slurpee.

Admonishing her terrified cohorts, a hysterical Dianne Feinstink shrieked, “Show some guts!”  I hope she’s not referring to her’s literally.  Holly Sonders’s midriff we can handle, Feinstink’s … puke…give me a second here…..

“Shotgun” Joe wiped tears from his eyes when he learned the news.  It seems he at first thought the Senate had voted down his crazy plan to answer the doorbell with indiscriminate shotgun blasts…

Meanwhile, in America, despite all the hype, the propaganda, and the psychotropic false flags, the People are waking up.  According to an early April Gallop poll, only 4% of those asked said gun control was even an issue.  And, they thought the question refered to government guns only. 

Are we finally seeing a little common sense in the USA???  Hell, just to feel good, I’ll say “YES!”  Let’s keep the guns, kill the bombers (all of them, even the rich and powerful), and drive the state-worshipping commies into the sea!

God Bless America!

PS:  Augusta.  Disgusta.  Necropolis.  I know the Masters is over for another year and you’re all ready to get back to crapulence as usual.  For God’s sake though – learn to drive those f*****g SUVs, dualys, and tuna boats a little better.  If you’re too old, too crippled, too stupid, or too intextuated, maybe you shouldn’t be behind the wheel at all.  At least clear a little room for the dude in the big green tank.  He wants to make it wherever he’s going in one piece.  Thank you…

 thumbs_stupid-accidents2

(Seriously…tired of this s**t.  Google.)

Questions and Comments 4/6/2013 **100th Post!**

06 Saturday Apr 2013

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This is the 100th post here at the old blog!  Let’s have a party!

balloons

(Woo Hoo!! Google Images.)

Even with the 100 posts, I’ve only used a little less than 1% of my existing space here so the party will continue for many years.  I will be going “pro” soon, with major upgrades, which I think include even more memory.  Look forward to a lifetime of Perrin’s mad rants.

You may have gathered that yesterday’s post was cut short in mid draft.  It was; I wrapped it up where it was and published.  The legal profession called and I had to answer.  Two of my friends learned the hard way why you never want to call 911 nor talk to the police.  I spent the afternoon trying unsuccessfully to have a warrant recalled and the night getting someone out of the Government Hotel.  I got home from the jail (and the grocery store…) around midnight.  Do not talk to the police!  They arrest people.

When I arrived at Casa Lovett I found a visitor sleeping in the kitchen.  For a week our family is hosting Snuffus, the Guinea Pig, from my daughter’s class.  I was informed this morning that he is a she and is not named Snufus.  I like “Snufus” but I will call her a her from now on.  I’ll try to post some pictures.  Does anyone have any good stew recipes???

Well, I thought you might have some weekend questions and I happen to have a bunch of comments.  I also have some questions of my own.  Heeeere we go:

If fat makes you mad, that might explain why Young Un is the maddest SOB in North Korea.  Ehhh?

The South Korean press reports that dear leader Kim J. UnUsual cuts his own hair … with a sling-blade.

Little Kimmy reportedly said when he grows up he wants to be the communist idol of his dreams, Barry Sotoro.

Anyone know what the range of hampster-wheel powered ICBMs is?

If Krazy K. actually nuked Washington, D.C., would anyone miss it?

Would we be obliged to give him a medal or a gym membership?

What’s the uproar about these four gay football players?  The whole NFL has been “out” for several years now…

NFL commissioner Roger Goodywell has decreed the game will no longer involve contact; accordingly, they have ordered several thousand pink flags.

Lauren Silberman admitted she “threw” her kicking audition upon learning none of the cute guys at the combine were straight.

Starting next year the Super Bowl will be henceforth known as the “Stellar Stupendous Basin Thingy.”

Mike Rice, recently relieved of his job, has also been banned from all NFL stadiums for life.

Bubba “General Hover Lee” Watson is the Thomas Edison of the PGA.

Michael Phelps has taken up golf; he wants his clubs measured by ounces or grams, not simple numbers.

The Augusta “Big Tent” Hooters hosts TWO!! bikini contests Masters week.  Did you know that?

Miguel Angel Jimenez is the manliest man to ever grace a golf course!  Any dispute?  Good.

Miguel-Angel-Jimenez-cigar_2637345

(The. Man.  You can’t hang, go home.  Google.)

Bill Clinton has founded the Young Beaver Cigar Company, with the logo: “Smoke a Beaver!”

You secretly like old Bill, don’t you?

Little Barry started smoking cigars, Alec Bradley’s to be exact, instead of cigarettes; he abruptly stopped when he realised it’s the “Maxx” not the “Marx.”

Barry’s native village witch doctor has successfully contacted Karl Marx in hell via a séance.  He is expected to join the cabinet soon as an economic analyst.

With Obama, Biden, and Kerry at the helm, why worry about North Korea?

Urban Moving Systems is back in business.  Their new jingle is called We Move at Free Fall Speed. 

In related news, Larry Silverstein has leased and quintuple insured the Sears Tower.

Any truth to the rumor Benedict Arnold was a CIA provocateur?

A forty-story skyscraper in Chechnya completely burned on all floors last week without collapsing neatly into its own footprint at free fall speed.  The entire Chechnyan people have been declared terrorists.

If a poor goat-herder stumbles upon a poppy plant and there are no CIA agents around, is he still an enemy combatant?

If you believe anything the government reports, please email me for your $1000 100th post gala tickets (no refunds).

Is it only that Democrats from California are ugly, or does being a California Democrat make you ugly?

Dianne Feinstein is so ugly, roaches use her picture to scare away pests.

Removing Republicans from the statistics raises the average I.Q. thirty points, while curing “Low-T” completely.

Whatever became of the GOP “Wide Stance” Club??

In response to the recent bribe scandal in New York, Michael “Soda Jerk” Bloomberg has banned pepperoni pizzas…

Mark Sanford was nominated this week for a South Carolina Congressional Seat but was unable to comment.  Seems he was hiking on the AT.

Bill Clinton also announced he was going hiking at the same time.  A conspiracy?

Why does the Secret Service redact the Argentine sex-offenders list?

John Boehner says he will keep smoking but is expected to cave later.

Jay Z can stay in Cuba but I want Beyonce back … with Partagas Serie Ds.

The bigger she gets, the more Kim Kardashian reminds me of Michelle O.  See it?

If America gets any more obese, will we have to make AlGore our King?

I saw a fat chick in the gym this morning.  Just kidding.

The Golden Trough buffet chain has announced they will replace the bacteria ridden chocolate fountain with a pure fat waterfall.

Bigger King executives wanted to introduce a Quadruple Whooper but they couldn’t configure enough defibrillators in their restaurants.  Darn physics…

The Miss America Padgett will have to reinforce the stage to prevent a collapse if trends continue.  They will also have to replace the swimsuit round with a car cover round.

Given the demand and Medicare reimbursements, Freightliner and Volvo trucks have announced they will stop producing semis and switch their assembly lines to fat scooter production.

46% of American drivers report confusing the brake and gas petals though all report they can deftly drift lanes while cellphone jibbering.

Given American road traffic, why not spare us the obsolescence of accelerators?

People need governments, like governments needs guns.

If guns kill people, how did Abel die?

The car wash manager asked me to keep my pistol in the car as it offended and frightened his resident panhandlers and muggers.

A fat ugly woman at an anti-gun rally said she would rather be raped than shoot a rapist.  As if she’d have the chance.

Did Barack Obama intend the greatest gun salesman in history?

When asked to identify North Korea on a map, 50% of American high school students responded they though math was discriminatory.

Should American high schools just as well replace graduations with sentencings?

A third grader who brought a butter knife to school in her lunch box was arrested when it was discovered she could spell.

Will you really trust your government-educated grandchildren to change your diapers and manage your affairs in a few years?

The government has tentatively discovered a way to re-employ younger Americans in factories so as to shore up Social Security for baby boomers.  Does anyone know where they can come by a time machine?

Do all traffic intersections play hip hop music nowadays or is it a mass coincidence?

American churches reported the lowest level of Easter services attendance in history recently.  When asked if He was concerned, God said it was just as well.

If pollen was a source of fuel and food, we’d be set for millenia.

And lastly,

Who the heck is Honey Boo Boo?  And, do the Republicans plan to put her on Jeb’s 2016 ticket?

That’s all for this afternoon.  Thanks for 100 great readerships.  Keep up the good work and I will too!