This is the 100th post here at the old blog! Let’s have a party!
(Woo Hoo!! Google Images.)
Even with the 100 posts, I’ve only used a little less than 1% of my existing space here so the party will continue for many years. I will be going “pro” soon, with major upgrades, which I think include even more memory. Look forward to a lifetime of Perrin’s mad rants.
You may have gathered that yesterday’s post was cut short in mid draft. It was; I wrapped it up where it was and published. The legal profession called and I had to answer. Two of my friends learned the hard way why you never want to call 911 nor talk to the police. I spent the afternoon trying unsuccessfully to have a warrant recalled and the night getting someone out of the Government Hotel. I got home from the jail (and the grocery store…) around midnight. Do not talk to the police! They arrest people.
When I arrived at Casa Lovett I found a visitor sleeping in the kitchen. For a week our family is hosting Snuffus, the Guinea Pig, from my daughter’s class. I was informed this morning that he is a she and is not named Snufus. I like “Snufus” but I will call her a her from now on. I’ll try to post some pictures. Does anyone have any good stew recipes???
Well, I thought you might have some weekend questions and I happen to have a bunch of comments. I also have some questions of my own. Heeeere we go:
If fat makes you mad, that might explain why Young Un is the maddest SOB in North Korea. Ehhh?
The South Korean press reports that dear leader Kim J. UnUsual cuts his own hair … with a sling-blade.
Little Kimmy reportedly said when he grows up he wants to be the communist idol of his dreams, Barry Sotoro.
Anyone know what the range of hampster-wheel powered ICBMs is?
If Krazy K. actually nuked Washington, D.C., would anyone miss it?
Would we be obliged to give him a medal or a gym membership?
What’s the uproar about these four gay football players? The whole NFL has been “out” for several years now…
NFL commissioner Roger Goodywell has decreed the game will no longer involve contact; accordingly, they have ordered several thousand pink flags.
Lauren Silberman admitted she “threw” her kicking audition upon learning none of the cute guys at the combine were straight.
Starting next year the Super Bowl will be henceforth known as the “Stellar Stupendous Basin Thingy.”
Mike Rice, recently relieved of his job, has also been banned from all NFL stadiums for life.
Bubba “General Hover Lee” Watson is the Thomas Edison of the PGA.
Michael Phelps has taken up golf; he wants his clubs measured by ounces or grams, not simple numbers.
The Augusta “Big Tent” Hooters hosts TWO!! bikini contests Masters week. Did you know that?
Miguel Angel Jimenez is the manliest man to ever grace a golf course! Any dispute? Good.
(The. Man. You can’t hang, go home. Google.)
Bill Clinton has founded the Young Beaver Cigar Company, with the logo: “Smoke a Beaver!”
You secretly like old Bill, don’t you?
Little Barry started smoking cigars, Alec Bradley’s to be exact, instead of cigarettes; he abruptly stopped when he realised it’s the “Maxx” not the “Marx.”
Barry’s native village witch doctor has successfully contacted Karl Marx in hell via a séance. He is expected to join the cabinet soon as an economic analyst.
With Obama, Biden, and Kerry at the helm, why worry about North Korea?
Urban Moving Systems is back in business. Their new jingle is called We Move at Free Fall Speed.
In related news, Larry Silverstein has leased and quintuple insured the Sears Tower.
Any truth to the rumor Benedict Arnold was a CIA provocateur?
A forty-story skyscraper in Chechnya completely burned on all floors last week without collapsing neatly into its own footprint at free fall speed. The entire Chechnyan people have been declared terrorists.
If a poor goat-herder stumbles upon a poppy plant and there are no CIA agents around, is he still an enemy combatant?
If you believe anything the government reports, please email me for your $1000 100th post gala tickets (no refunds).
Is it only that Democrats from California are ugly, or does being a California Democrat make you ugly?
Dianne Feinstein is so ugly, roaches use her picture to scare away pests.
Removing Republicans from the statistics raises the average I.Q. thirty points, while curing “Low-T” completely.
Whatever became of the GOP “Wide Stance” Club??
In response to the recent bribe scandal in New York, Michael “Soda Jerk” Bloomberg has banned pepperoni pizzas…
Mark Sanford was nominated this week for a South Carolina Congressional Seat but was unable to comment. Seems he was hiking on the AT.
Bill Clinton also announced he was going hiking at the same time. A conspiracy?
Why does the Secret Service redact the Argentine sex-offenders list?
John Boehner says he will keep smoking but is expected to cave later.
Jay Z can stay in Cuba but I want Beyonce back … with Partagas Serie Ds.
The bigger she gets, the more Kim Kardashian reminds me of Michelle O. See it?
If America gets any more obese, will we have to make AlGore our King?
I saw a fat chick in the gym this morning. Just kidding.
The Golden Trough buffet chain has announced they will replace the bacteria ridden chocolate fountain with a pure fat waterfall.
Bigger King executives wanted to introduce a Quadruple Whooper but they couldn’t configure enough defibrillators in their restaurants. Darn physics…
The Miss America Padgett will have to reinforce the stage to prevent a collapse if trends continue. They will also have to replace the swimsuit round with a car cover round.
Given the demand and Medicare reimbursements, Freightliner and Volvo trucks have announced they will stop producing semis and switch their assembly lines to fat scooter production.
46% of American drivers report confusing the brake and gas petals though all report they can deftly drift lanes while cellphone jibbering.
Given American road traffic, why not spare us the obsolescence of accelerators?
People need governments, like governments needs guns.
If guns kill people, how did Abel die?
The car wash manager asked me to keep my pistol in the car as it offended and frightened his resident panhandlers and muggers.
A fat ugly woman at an anti-gun rally said she would rather be raped than shoot a rapist. As if she’d have the chance.
Did Barack Obama intend the greatest gun salesman in history?
When asked to identify North Korea on a map, 50% of American high school students responded they though math was discriminatory.
Should American high schools just as well replace graduations with sentencings?
A third grader who brought a butter knife to school in her lunch box was arrested when it was discovered she could spell.
Will you really trust your government-educated grandchildren to change your diapers and manage your affairs in a few years?
The government has tentatively discovered a way to re-employ younger Americans in factories so as to shore up Social Security for baby boomers. Does anyone know where they can come by a time machine?
Do all traffic intersections play hip hop music nowadays or is it a mass coincidence?
American churches reported the lowest level of Easter services attendance in history recently. When asked if He was concerned, God said it was just as well.
If pollen was a source of fuel and food, we’d be set for millenia.
And lastly,
Who the heck is Honey Boo Boo? And, do the Republicans plan to put her on Jeb’s 2016 ticket?
That’s all for this afternoon. Thanks for 100 great readerships. Keep up the good work and I will too!
PERRIN LOVETT 
You must be logged in to post a comment.