Category Archives: Other Columns

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The Gates of Hell Shall Not Prevail

27 Sunday Mar 2016

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On this Easter weekend, amidst all the celebrations, countless examples manifest of what we face. Christianity and civilization are under assault as usual.

*correction* I, along with the media, botched the names of one of the Brussels terrorists, the man in white. His name is Legion, for they are many.

Their plans are both sophisticated and far ranging. The Brussels bombers were under investigation, seemingly too late. However, police pressure probably averted greater tragedy. The real plot was to enter a commercial nuclear power plant for sabotage or in order to craft a dirty nuclear bomb. The terror web is vast and well organized. Others may attempt to carry out the original plan.

The groups and individuals involved are also better known than might be expected. One of the Belgian terror brothers, an actual Belgian citizen, entered Turkey on his way to Syria. There he was arrested and deported back to Belgium. Turkish authorities warned that he was a terrorist. The warning was lost.

Much seems lost in America too. Attack after attack and this weekend Hussein Obama vowed to import even more terrorists into the U.S. Once here they are given preferential treatment. In Minnesota public schools are bending over backwards to accommodate the surge in Muslim students, with prayer rugs, dietary requirements, and periodic calls to prayer. These are the same government schools where Christian children are treated like outlaws and the mention of Christ as a felony offense.

In Georgia proposed legislation to protect religious freedom, namely Christian, is under attack from a host of hellish forces. Marvel, Disney, Hollywood and the NFL, all purveyors of filth and wordly degeneracy, are raising hell to keep Christians in check.

Sadly, most of these battles go unnoticed and unheeded by the masses. Even without Disney and ISIS the people are perfectly capable of acting like savages.

A video from a neighborhood brawl in my city has been making the rounds and the news on the internet. This majority (or all) black affair resulted in the death of one young man and murder charges against about a dozen people. The violence started over a stupid dispute at a local high school. It could have been much worse.

In Connecticut thousands of (mostly white) people rampaged like wild animals at a free to the public Easter egg hunt. “Adults” ran around like mad and trampled small children into the mud. All over nearly worthless prize eggs.

In a way these two stories are heartening. In a land with so much racial strife it’s nice to see blacks and whites getting down on the same page. Another recent example of racial harmony in America: a young friend of mine narrowly escaped kidnapping and rape by a gang of thugs. Happily, the gang was 50/50 white and black. You see the problem, don’t you? We, collectively, seemed to have sunk to unthinkable lows of barely human behavior.

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Google.

All of this is almost enough to make one disclaim humanity and the modern world. Yet, especially today, it does not matter. As bad as it ever gets the Faithful shall endure. So Jesus said to Saint Peter: “upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.” Matthew 16:18 KJV. 

He rose so that we too might.

Death at the Academy

23 Wednesday Mar 2016

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I used to want to teach law or political theory at the university level. Now I do not. Well, honestly part of me still does. However, I have come to the conclusion it isn’t going to happen anytime soon. For years – a decade or so – I had a search running at Higheredjobs.com. I recently turned it off.

After maybe 100 failed inquiry letters and several first (and last) interviews I realized there is a disconnect between me and the academic system. It’s a good thing. I would not fit in. I imagine being the only non-communist on the faculty might be uncomfortable. Less comfortable would be my students. As I have chronicled here modern university students are large toddlers, less concerned with learning than feeling safe.

There’s a new and better educational model anyway. It uses independence and technology for a new take on the classical school experience. Socrates and Aquinas would approve if they were still around. In their respective ancient days only those who desired to learn furthered their education beyond a rudimentary level.

Times had changed by the 1970s when my father was teaching at Mississippi State. The emphasis was primarily on learning but the post hippy culture was creeping in. Serious students mingled on campus with party animals. In the corners social revolutionaries plotted the future of safe spaces, inclusion, and sustainability (still not sure what they sustain – certainly not education). I remember the pretty girls and the copious amounts of coffee and cigarettes consumed by the faculty.

Times kept changing. By the advent of my tenure at the University of Georgia the counterculture was taking control. Still, those that wanted to learn could but it was frowned upon. I fell somewhere between the studious and the partyers. The pretty girls still got my attention. Things were worse in law school. There I joined, fully, the ranks of the studious. As a rebel of demented mental ability I sought out the fundamental theories and origins behind the law. I largely did so in secret and on my own.

Today the inmates run the asylum. Beyond math, science and engineering real learning is frowned upon. There’s a lot of frowning. Tell a pretty girl she’s pretty and you may be brought up on charges. Coffee still seems safe but nicotine is verboten. Say things like “I like guns” or “taxes are too high” or “people should work for a living” and the student crybabies will melt and the faculty will launch into hysterical tyrades.

To be a white man on campus results in treatment once reserved for the likes of Hester Prynne. Pride in Western tradition, morality and common sense are treated like leprosy.

The schools (as they are still called) waste resources on sports, safe spaces, counseling, women’s studies, black studies, gay black women’s studies and a host of other nonsense.

These are the universities mind you. From Harvard to Notre Dame to my beloved UGA the failure of education has spread like a cancer. The lower, primary schools (especially those run by government – most) are in even worse shape.

Notre Dame professor Dr. Patrick Deneen says even the best colleges, like his, are “committing civilizational suicide.”

“What our educational system aims to produce is cultural amnesia, a wholesale lack of curiosity, history-less free agents, and educational goals composed of content-free processes and unexamined buzz-words like ‘critical thinking,’ ‘diversity,’ ‘ways of knowing,’ ‘social justice,’ and ‘cultural competence.’

Our students are the achievement of a systemic commitment to producing individuals without a past for whom the future is a foreign country, cultureless ciphers who can live anywhere and perform any kind of work without inquiring about its purposes or ends, perfected tools for an economic system that prizes ‘flexibility’ (geographic, interpersonal, ethical).”

Frightening but accurate. What happened? What are the sane and the responsible to do?

Gary North did a fantastic job laying out the history and demise of American education. His conclusion is simple and right – “close the schools.” They have failed. They do the opposite of what was once intended. They are beyond the point of redemption. Close them all.

The public schools are in group two. They are likely to die, no matter what. The only economically relevant question today is this: “How long will voters authorize the tax money required to keep them on life support?”

 – North, March 19, 2016.

He mentions the modern, better alternative, guaranteed to deliver real learning – the online education. The Kahn Academy is the largest school in the world with 25 million students. It’s free to anyone. There are others like it. They are beginning to take a bite out of traditional, failed schooling.

MIT boldly put nearly all of its courses online for free, for anyone. Some books will need to be acquired. There will be a small expense associated though many, many books are completely free on Kindle. Any ambitious young person with a laptop and a very basic comprehension of English and fundamental math can literally educate themselves at little to no cost and at their own pace.

There are a host of other opportunities online like Udemy. It’s an outfit or concept like this I may end up going with. Or I might just publish books and/or create my own e-classes in topics that interest me. The sky is the limit.

Educrats and silly professors are panicked because of this increasing competition. No time wasted waiting on the lowest common denominator to catch up. No boredom. No anti-western indoctrination. No crushing student loans of money illegally printed out of thin air.

No need to wallow amid a bunch of weak socialists in a dangerous environment. I recently noted the progress of Georgia’s H.B.859, a bill that would allow free people to legally carry firearms at state colleges. At present these schools are gun free zones – the type of places where the majority of violence occurs. It happens because criminals have a monopoly on force in such places.  The bill would tilt the tables in favor of ordinary people.

As such, it is opposed by criminals and school faculty and staff lacking common sense. UGA law professor Sonja West wrote a hysterical piece for Slate decrying self-defense. Using backwards antidotal evidence and shaky psuedo legal reasoning she conveys her central thought: she does not like guns. At least not guns in private hands. It’s just terrible people might have a legal fighting chance to repel attacks; the Second Amendment be damned.

The hoplophobia and mania runs deeper at the Red and Black, UGA’s leftist student newspaper: “Donald Trump may be the 21st-century equivalent of Mussolini, but the real threat to democracy is right here in Georgia.”

That’s all I really need to quote. Having worn out the Hitler label the lefties are turning to Mussolini. The poor argument is that guns threaten democracy. Democracy is about as big a threat as one might contrive. Free people with guns are a check on violence and tyranny, democratic or otherwise. Pitiful.

There was a death at the academy. Learning died. Now the schools themselves are headed to the graveyard. I hope you will share this information with a young person and said person’s parents. Help save them from wasting time and money and from exposure to whimps, communists, and freedom haters. Help them learn and explore their world freely.

Just Some Observations of Late

22 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by in News and Notes, Other Columns

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Anyone shocked or surprised by the attacks in Brussels and Paris must have recently awaked from a decades long coma. Congratulations to them on their recovery.

The Nationality Law of 1984 is to Belgium what the Immigration Act of 1965 is to America – demise wrapped in attractive lies.

“Refuge” and “target” must be synonymous.

Left untreated heartworms and terrorists will eventually overwhelm their respective hosts, usually with the same charm and gratitude.

U.S. Marines are taking casualties in Iraq, again, still… We’ve been meddling there a quarter century. Haven’t the bankers kind of bled that one dry?

I actually approve of President Obama’s olive branch to Cuba. It’s about damned time.

“They” say Al-assad is behind the European terror attacks. Just like how Saddam was behind 9/11.

Neo-Nazis are being arrested (for hate) in Europe even as more “refugees” flood in. Funny, but you don’t see many (any) skinheads blowing up trains.

A curious little clique profits, financially and in terms of power, from all this war and terrorism.

Globalism and Satanism seem to go hand in hand.

Though many Americans are unaware Belgium is a real country they are able to gleafully recite the roster of their March madness team. Hope, that is.

Basket weavers are starting to ridicule colleges. With good reason too.

An entire segment of the population is hoplophobic. Their’s are the panicked lives of lemmings.

People used to prefer books to tattoos. Then we got hip. Hip and dumb.

Televisions are like politicians. They convey nothing. They take your money. You can waste a lifetime watching them.

Angela Merkel is like Robert Mugabe in reverse. Less pleasing to the eyes though.

If I had a dollar for every voter who really thought it out,  I’d be dead broke.

Sad to say, but the American way went the way of Pompeii.

I’m envious: at least Dante had a guide.

The central banker makes one hanker for a canker. Astounding, really.

Gandalf for President, 2016? I’m in. Or Radagast. Hell, at this point I’d settle for Nob. Maybe even a plain old Midge.

The average Carolinian points at Georgia and laughs. The average Georgian points at Alabama. In Alabama they’re not sure where they’re pointing to.

This list has officially run out of steam…

Spring and Other Phenomena

20 Sunday Mar 2016

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Today we observe the vernal equinox in the Northern hemisphere, better known as the first day of Spring. It’s a big deal for gardeners and sun worshipers, both beachy and pagan. Today also marks the feast of Palm Sunday, the commemoration of Jesus’s entry into Jerusalem and the beginning of Holy Week. Easter is coming fast.

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Pietro Lorenzetti, 1320.

There are but five days until the release of what may be the best Batman movie ever, judging by the last two trailers.

In the Garden City preparations are almost finished for the 2016 Masters Tournament and related festivities. The azaleas are blooming. John Daly is prepping his RV. The big tent at Hooters will be up any day.

If you’re in town the evening of Tuesday, April 5th, you can attend the annual Rock Fore! Dough charity concert in Columbia County. When I returned to Augusta nine years ago the event truly rocked. Cheap Trick headlined that year. There was a promise of energetic entertainment each year for locals and tourists alike.

Then one year they invited Darius Rucker. They also changed the venue to Columbia County as I mentioned. There people are more than accepting of pop country. Thus began the only tragedy of Masters week. Rock Fore! is now little more than the Darius Rucker, post Blowfish, and friends crooner fest. This year I think Darius will be joined by such dynamic acts as: the Whining Warbles, Toothless Billy, Tight Pants Hick, and some other spiked-hair hillbillies. It’s just what the bored, pill addicted soccor moms of Evans want. The good news is they will all be in a wine and whine induced stupor the next day as we enjoy the Par Three fun.

Happy Sunday and welcome Spring!

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day

17 Thursday Mar 2016

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Hold the green beer! In the interest of political correctness shouldn’t we just call it “Patrick’s Day”? “Saint” is synonymous with Catholicism. That means Christian. Christianity is blasphemy to both the Sharia (our seeming current policy objective) and the Noahide (our actual codified law…seriously). Eh? I didn’t think so.

saint-patrick

SAINT Patrick. Google.

Saint Patrick was born a Roman citizen in Britain. At age 16 he was kidnapped and enslaved in Ireland. He suffered his bondage for six years before escaping back to his home. Later, as a priest and a bishop, he returned to Ireland as a missionary of the Church. This in itself is a miracle I think. How many men would return to the land of their forced servitude in order to save perhaps the very same people who had oppressed them? 

Saint Patrick’s story may be exactly what we need to remember in our insane politically wrong times. Tolerate the Fiqh and the Sanhedrin but keep an eye on them (through a reticle if necessary). The green beer will surely make the tolerance more tolerable.

Happy Saint Patrick’s day!

 

Bikers, RVs, and Cops, Oh My!: Observations From The Road

13 Sunday Mar 2016

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I just survived another long distance highway excursion. Here are just a few things I noticed out there and a few of my humble opinions. I keep seeing things every time I drive that make me wonder if the best motoring days of America are behind her. This particular trip was (thankfully) devoid of any major incidents or obstacles. Still, it gets worse year by year, trip by trip.

I conversed with some bikers at a Florida hotel yesterday. They agreed that people just can’t drive anymore. It’s hard enough inside 2 or 3 tons of steel protection. For these dudes it must be like playing Russian roulette with a pack of drunken baboons, each holding a near fully loaded revolver. Here’s what I’ve got:

I-95 is less of a roadway and more of a 1900 mile, variable speed parking lot.

From the way most folks drive, one wonders if their cars are equipped with steering wheels, gas and brake pedals.

The average idiot out there is far more likely to use his phone than his mirrors and turn signals.

Three lanes moving the same direction in Germany: right lane, slow lane; middle lane, fast lane; left lane, very fast, passing lane.

Same road in America: right lane, erratic driving/illegal passing; middle, slow lane; left, inexplicable speed up, slow down lane. Geesh.

It can take an American idiot up to 30 minutes and as many miles to pass a single 18-wheeler.

18-wheelers appearantly lack mirrors and turn signals these days.

The concept of merging with free flowing traffic is a forgotten art.

Instead of lurking behind bushes, preying on decent drivers, the cops should arrest and beat those who impeed traffic, especially left lane slow pokes.

Who knew a Prius could tow a gypsy caravan wagon?

Please make sure your boat trailer has both wheels before towing it.

97% of the time a handicapped tag indicates a terrible, terrible driver.

A South Carolina tag indicates a mentally handicapped driver.

Not that many people drink and drive anymore; drunks drive better than the new average.

Instead of drinking, drivers today: text, talk, sing, fiddle with stupid gadgets, fight, read (one would not expect the ability), nap, sew, make out, freeze solid, eat some more, adjust everything, look down at the floor, anything else but drive responsibly.

Truckers, minivans, cops, and old people make driving a challenge; throw in a few Canadians, bikers, and cripples and it becomes more dangerous than a Trump rally.

Where do the old coots find those antique pickups?

If they use the blinker, they use it perpetually.

Dogs should be inside with you, not walking around on the roof. Clark Griswold had more sense.

I would be happier driving an airplane…or an Abrams M1.

FDOT has been rebuilding I-95 in Jacksonville for 20 years. I could have made more progress with basic garden tools.

A road trip used to end with getting there, now it concludes with PTSD.

The zombie apocalypse has happened; check your nearest interstate for proof.

Got a baby onboard? Try letting her drive.

People who want to ban guns are happy to speed along at 85, in a 5000 pound battering ram, jumping lanes like NASCAR, while texting some other moron – probably about banning guns.

If he tried it today, the Bandit would call Big Enos 100 miles in and abandon the run.

Oil down $10, gas down $.25 in 3 months. Oil up $2, gas up $.25 in 3 days. Go figure.

A police car parked on the frontage road, on the other side of the highway, over two retaining walls and a fence does not equate to jamming on your brakes. Fools.

Car lag is real. I have it.

Not sure where you’re going? Stay home.

Not sure how the car works? Stay home.

Blind? Stay home.

Retarded? Home.

Homicidal? Home.

The more that stay off the roads altogether, the happier roads we shall have.

Happy motoring. Or, happy homing.

other-drivers_c_4359469

Yep. Google.

 

Strange But True

10 Thursday Mar 2016

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People continue to amaze me with what amazes them about me. Here’s a short list of things folks (even those who know me well)  can’t believe or don’t want to believe when it comes to Perrin.

I don’t vote. I used to but I gave up on fairy tales. Three reasons: 1) I’m an anarchist, 2) I’m a neutral (hehe) political commentator, 3) it’s pointless.

I’m an anarchist. Really. I want no form of government anywhere near me. You can keep whatever you like, just keep it away from me. Bonus reason: I have been DEEP into the inner workings of government and seen what it really is – Satanism made visible. No thanks.

I don’t watch television. I have favorite shows but they’re from the 60s – 80s. I will watch golf or football or a John Wayne movie if I happen to catch one and have the time. I regularly miss entire series, whole runs of shows everyone is supposed to watch. I don’t miss them.

I don’t like (most) movies. They stink and I don’t have time. I do want to see the new Batman flick though….

I will watch any manner of entertainment my daughter directs me to. Wrapped around her finger I am.

I’ve never had to discipline my daughter. Sometimes it is the other way around. She’s perfect, I’m not. Odd, yes.

I dislike most fiction. A few classics I reread now and again. The rest generally pales in comparison to my own reality. Why bother?

I love solitude. Never once have I been lonely. Yes, I enjoy a variety of human interactions, but not nearly as much as my quiet time.

I do not play the lottery. I can add.

I don’t play games.

I can walk right up and pet just about any animal. No, your dog won’t bite me. I have an effect.

When even moderately healthy I am immune to microbes and most toxins.

I’d rather wake up early than stay up late. Really, I enjoy both.

I despise telephones. Or, at least, talking on them.

I’d prefer a cheap cigar over a cheap beer.

No, I really don’t want to go to that restaurant/mall/concert/stadium/church/any other crowded place.

These are but a glimpse of the Perrindox. I’m like an onion, healthy but I make one cry. Or, is it the layers? Eh? Hmmm.

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My frog is smarter than your candidate, more interesting than your television hero.

Pain, Progress, and a Cigar That Wasn’t

02 Wednesday Mar 2016

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Back in January I said I was getting back on the fitness bandwagon. I’m on. I’ve dropped from 199+ to 191 pounds. Almost halfway to my happy weight. I’ll be there by Masters. My pants fit again. I feel better.

Actually, right now I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. The diet is working perfectly. I’m still a little haphazard in my workout routines though. That will work itself out as soon as the weight is off and I decide where I’m taking this program. Right now, when I go, I go all out. Two hours in the gym today and I beat the mess out of myself.

In fact, I hit it so hard I actually turned down a cigar review assignment. Friends, that has never happened! I’m either very disciplined or crippled. I vote for crippled.

Anyway, in the near future look for my professional opinion of the Sindicato Maniac 7×70 by Corona Cigars. It looks like a smaller, lighter Lunatic of JFR make. Like I told the tobacconist today, “Meeh…bif..nebb….pass……” My apologies to everyone.

sindicato_maniac_colossal_box

Corona Cigar Co.

More later. Gotta find some protein.

The Three Little Voters

29 Monday Feb 2016

Posted by in Legal/Political Columns, Other Columns

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Once upon a time there lived three little voters. They were brothers. One fine day they all decided to set out and seek their fortunes in the wider world.

Their loving mother was happy for them but still sad to see them go. She kissed each of them goodbye. She warned them as they left her home, “Beware of the big bad politician, the wicked politician.”

At first the three little voters walked along together. They talked gaily in the sunshine. No big bad politician was going to bother them!

The youngest little voter talked about equality and free stuff and the horrors of global warming. “I’m a progressive!” He declared to his bored brothers.

The next little voter began to talk about pride in the military, lower taxes, and patriotism. “I am a conservative,” he said. His brothers trudged along.

The oldest brother was a little put out with the other two. He said nothing was free and there should be no taxes at all. “I’m not really a voter at all,” he mused, “government serves the big bad politician.” His younger brothers paid no heed.

After walking and talking together for some time the three little voters decided to go their separate ways.

The youngest little voter, who was a tad lazy, stopped right where he was. “Home at last,” he said. He made his home in an ideology of straw.

The next little voter walked on until he came to a nice little gentrified neighborhood. “Here is where I belong,” he said. He, being more industrious but more gullible than his younger brother, made his home in an ideology of twigs.

The oldest and wisest little (non) voter walked far and wide. He finally found a little corner where he come mind his own business in peace. “Peace and quiet,” he said, “now to work!” His home philosophy was as solid as brick.

Time past. An election drew near. One day the youngest, laziest, progressive little voter was lounging around smoking pot when along came the politician, the wicked politician.

wolf-at-the-door

Disney.

“Little voter, little voter, vote me in!,” said the old liar. “I will help the poor and guarantee you student loans and free healthcare,” he said with fingers crossed.

The dumb little voter, forgetting what his mother admonished him, agreed and voted for the politician. He lived a debt slave’s life of poverty thereafter.

Later than evening the second more gullible little voter was in his yard talking loudly about how tough he was when along came the big bad politician.

“Little voter, little voter, vote me in!,” said the filthy charleton. “I will fight off those no good foreigners who hate you for your freedom!,” he hissed.

The dumb little voter, forgetting what his mother admonished him, agreed and voted for the politician. He was soon drafted into the army and was killed by “friendly fire” in a bankers’ war in Neverheardofitistan. 

The oldest, wisest, most resilient little (non) voter (more a personal anarchist, really) was hard at work selling his wares at the market when the wicked old politician crept up on him.

“Little voter, little vot….,” the thief began.

“Go f@#k yourself!,” replied the wise little anarchist without even looking. The evil politician crept away aghast.

Later the little (non) voter was minding his own business when the dirty wolf of a politician approached him again.

“Excuse me good voter, may I offer…,” he solemnly inquired.

“How do you feel about brass knuckles in your teeth, Jack? Beat it!,” ordered the wise little anarchist. The politician slunk away, rodent style but angry.

The next morning the angry, arrogant, evil, lying, theiving, dirty, rotten, lowdown, no count, good for nothing politician aimed to corner the last little voter at home. He ignored the black flag on the pole and the “I shoot back” bumper sticker as he slithered up to the little (non) voter’s house.

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Google.

“Little voter, little voter! Vote me in!,” he commanded. “Or I’ll tax, and I’ll regulate, and I’ll make your will bend!,” he howled.

No one ever saw that dastardly old politician again. The bankers replaced him with another shill. As for the happy little anarchist, he’s still minding his own business, a trouble to none, friend to all of good will. He regularly visits his dear mother. He lived happily ever after.

12079587-lovers-sunset

Google.

The end.

The Old Man’s Guide to the Gym

28 Sunday Feb 2016

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This one is really for the over forty crowd though any may enjoy it (no promises). Remember when you were young, stupid, but healthy? Remember the gym? One rep then and you were ripped. Your diet consisted of whatever you felt like eating. Fun times, eh?

Now, remember that old man who hobbled around groaning? The dude with his shirt tucked in and yesterday’s sense of style. The man who probably used to be athletic. The dude with the hair growing out of his ears? Yeah, that old man.

That’s you now. Congratulations! You’re old or at least older than you used to be.

You’re in denial, I know. I’m not that guy either. I feel great! Except for when I wake up. And around noon. Afternoon. Evening too. Other than that it’s like twenty years ago.

In honor of us with a few gray hairs I’ve put together a little guide for the gym, a lexicon of sorts. Enjoy!

1044460-Royalty-Free-RF-Clip-Art-Illustration-Of-A-Cartoon-Fit-Senior-Man-Running

Google.

******

Cute college girl at the front desk: she says hello to everyone. It’s her job. Notice she says it, to you, without looking up.

Locker room: yes it seems like a farther walk than it used to. The place to keep your Member’s Only jacket, your keys, and the quart bottle of Bengay.

Scale: the dirtiest liar in the whole joint.

Bench press: the best possible place to stand around talking about how strong you used to be.

Squats: the fastest way to damage your back, your knees, and your pride all at the same time. As an extra, if you split your pants, you and the hospital staff will have something to joke about. HeHe……

Deadlift: the ultimate exercise for destroying everything at once.

Curls: this extra manly lift will tone the guns for an evening of going to bed early. They also provide musical entertainment via the clicks and grinding noises from your wrists and elbows.

Tricep press: the equal opposite of the curl. Really hits the elbows, rotator cuffs, and the vien on your forehead.

Lemme catch my breath…. Writing tired…

Shoulder press: once your best bet for that squared off look, now the easiest way to diagnose bursitis.

Chin up: where you hang in the air and curse.

Rows: need to throw your back out of whack? This is the one.

Shruggs: did your back somehow survive the rows? This’ll do it!

Leg press: like a squat but softer. A little easier on the joints. May require effort to sit down in. May require assistance to get out of.

Leg curl machine: lie down. Strain real hard. Wake up to oxygen in the ambulance.

Hack squats: medieval torture device. Avoid.

Crunches: who are we kidding here?

Stationary bike/treadmill/elliptical: your road to nowhere. Let the sweat pour like rain.

Heavy bag: the brainless, armless, legless opponent who still manages to kick your old ass.

Aerobics class: the candy store where you’re not welcome and you can’t afford it anyway.

The track: where the truly elderly plod around. Patience, young man, patience.

Meathead: he’s in better shape than you but still very nervous in your presence. Knows his day is coming too.

The whimpy kid: some things never change. He’s still younger though.

The hot gym bunny: she really likes talking to you! You remind her of her daddy…

Infernal gym “music”: thank God you’re going deaf.

Inversion table: your saving grace in the gym. Five minutes and you almost feel good. Ten minutes and your back in the ambulance again.

Water fountain: your stealthy nemesis. Always sends you to …

The urinal: home away from home. How’s the old prostate?

Chatty guy in the sauna/steam room: he ain’t your friend.

Ka-Bar hidden in a rolled towel: your friend in the sauna.

Pain: your best friend and constant companion.

Advil: you should have bought their stock.

Your car: where is it? What is it?

The liquor store: it is on the way home after all.

******

I’m here to pump you up! Cheers.