I just survived another long distance highway excursion. Here are just a few things I noticed out there and a few of my humble opinions. I keep seeing things every time I drive that make me wonder if the best motoring days of America are behind her. This particular trip was (thankfully) devoid of any major incidents or obstacles. Still, it gets worse year by year, trip by trip.

I conversed with some bikers at a Florida hotel yesterday. They agreed that people just can’t drive anymore. It’s hard enough inside 2 or 3 tons of steel protection. For these dudes it must be like playing Russian roulette with a pack of drunken baboons, each holding a near fully loaded revolver. Here’s what I’ve got:

I-95 is less of a roadway and more of a 1900 mile, variable speed parking lot.

From the way most folks drive, one wonders if their cars are equipped with steering wheels, gas and brake pedals.

The average idiot out there is far more likely to use his phone than his mirrors and turn signals.

Three lanes moving the same direction in Germany: right lane, slow lane; middle lane, fast lane; left lane, very fast, passing lane.

Same road in America: right lane, erratic driving/illegal passing; middle, slow lane; left, inexplicable speed up, slow down lane. Geesh.

It can take an American idiot up to 30 minutes and as many miles to pass a single 18-wheeler.

18-wheelers appearantly lack mirrors and turn signals these days.

The concept of merging with free flowing traffic is a forgotten art.

Instead of lurking behind bushes, preying on decent drivers, the cops should arrest and beat those who impeed traffic, especially left lane slow pokes.

Who knew a Prius could tow a gypsy caravan wagon?

Please make sure your boat trailer has both wheels before towing it.

97% of the time a handicapped tag indicates a terrible, terrible driver.

A South Carolina tag indicates a mentally handicapped driver.

Not that many people drink and drive anymore; drunks drive better than the new average.

Instead of drinking, drivers today: text, talk, sing, fiddle with stupid gadgets, fight, read (one would not expect the ability), nap, sew, make out, freeze solid, eat some more, adjust everything, look down at the floor, anything else but drive responsibly.

Truckers, minivans, cops, and old people make driving a challenge; throw in a few Canadians, bikers, and cripples and it becomes more dangerous than a Trump rally.

Where do the old coots find those antique pickups?

If they use the blinker, they use it perpetually.

Dogs should be inside with you, not walking around on the roof. Clark Griswold had more sense.

I would be happier driving an airplane…or an Abrams M1.

FDOT has been rebuilding I-95 in Jacksonville for 20 years. I could have made more progress with basic garden tools.

A road trip used to end with getting there, now it concludes with PTSD.

The zombie apocalypse has happened; check your nearest interstate for proof.

Got a baby onboard? Try letting her drive.

People who want to ban guns are happy to speed along at 85, in a 5000 pound battering ram, jumping lanes like NASCAR, while texting some other moron – probably about banning guns.

If he tried it today, the Bandit would call Big Enos 100 miles in and abandon the run.

Oil down $10, gas down $.25 in 3 months. Oil up $2, gas up $.25 in 3 days. Go figure.

A police car parked on the frontage road, on the other side of the highway, over two retaining walls and a fence does not equate to jamming on your brakes. Fools.

Car lag is real. I have it.

Not sure where you’re going? Stay home.

Not sure how the car works? Stay home.

Blind? Stay home.

Retarded? Home.

Homicidal? Home.

The more that stay off the roads altogether, the happier roads we shall have.

Happy motoring. Or, happy homing.

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Yep. Google.

 

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