This one is really for the over forty crowd though any may enjoy it (no promises). Remember when you were young, stupid, but healthy? Remember the gym? One rep then and you were ripped. Your diet consisted of whatever you felt like eating. Fun times, eh?
Now, remember that old man who hobbled around groaning? The dude with his shirt tucked in and yesterday’s sense of style. The man who probably used to be athletic. The dude with the hair growing out of his ears? Yeah, that old man.
That’s you now. Congratulations! You’re old or at least older than you used to be.
You’re in denial, I know. I’m not that guy either. I feel great! Except for when I wake up. And around noon. Afternoon. Evening too. Other than that it’s like twenty years ago.
In honor of us with a few gray hairs I’ve put together a little guide for the gym, a lexicon of sorts. Enjoy!
Cute college girl at the front desk: she says hello to everyone. It’s her job. Notice she says it, to you, without looking up.
Locker room: yes it seems like a farther walk than it used to. The place to keep your Member’s Only jacket, your keys, and the quart bottle of Bengay.
Scale: the dirtiest liar in the whole joint.
Bench press: the best possible place to stand around talking about how strong you used to be.
Squats: the fastest way to damage your back, your knees, and your pride all at the same time. As an extra, if you split your pants, you and the hospital staff will have something to joke about. HeHe……
Deadlift: the ultimate exercise for destroying everything at once.
Curls: this extra manly lift will tone the guns for an evening of going to bed early. They also provide musical entertainment via the clicks and grinding noises from your wrists and elbows.
Tricep press: the equal opposite of the curl. Really hits the elbows, rotator cuffs, and the vien on your forehead.
Lemme catch my breath…. Writing tired…
Shoulder press: once your best bet for that squared off look, now the easiest way to diagnose bursitis.
Chin up: where you hang in the air and curse.
Rows: need to throw your back out of whack? This is the one.
Shruggs: did your back somehow survive the rows? This’ll do it!
Leg press: like a squat but softer. A little easier on the joints. May require effort to sit down in. May require assistance to get out of.
Leg curl machine: lie down. Strain real hard. Wake up to oxygen in the ambulance.
Hack squats: medieval torture device. Avoid.
Crunches: who are we kidding here?
Stationary bike/treadmill/elliptical: your road to nowhere. Let the sweat pour like rain.
Heavy bag: the brainless, armless, legless opponent who still manages to kick your old ass.
Aerobics class: the candy store where you’re not welcome and you can’t afford it anyway.
The track: where the truly elderly plod around. Patience, young man, patience.
Meathead: he’s in better shape than you but still very nervous in your presence. Knows his day is coming too.
The whimpy kid: some things never change. He’s still younger though.
The hot gym bunny: she really likes talking to you! You remind her of her daddy…
Infernal gym “music”: thank God you’re going deaf.
Inversion table: your saving grace in the gym. Five minutes and you almost feel good. Ten minutes and your back in the ambulance again.
Water fountain: your stealthy nemesis. Always sends you to …
The urinal: home away from home. How’s the old prostate?
Chatty guy in the sauna/steam room: he ain’t your friend.
Ka-Bar hidden in a rolled towel: your friend in the sauna.
Pain: your best friend and constant companion.
Advil: you should have bought their stock.
Your car: where is it? What is it?
The liquor store: it is on the way home after all.
I’m here to pump you up! Cheers.