I think this kind actually works.
Pastis, PBS, 3/16/2018.
Oh, boy. TGIF.
Did you make it? I assume that, if you’re reading this, you survived the horrid, Earth-shattering, 6-freaking-hour government shutdown.
I know, I know, my world was shaken too.
I found it hard to breath. The sun was a little off schedule this morning. Few birds chirped. I felt disconnected from the gentle, reassuring hand of omnipotent and benevolent governance.
God government that is over!
It’s all Rand Paul’s fault:
“When the Democrats are in power, Republicans appear to be the conservative party. But when Republicans are in power, it seems there is no conservative party. The hypocrisy hangs in the air and chokes anyone with a sense of decency or intellectual honesty.”
-Rand Paul, Senate Floor, February 8, 2018.
The man is crazy, out of control. If only some kind neighbor would step in and sucker punch the doctor for the sake of the people. Another doctor maybe.
Anyway, life will now go on as
God government intended. All praise and glory be to the government, from wince all freedom, happiness, prosperity, gravity, energy, and matter flows. I suggest you immediately fall to your knees and send up a prayer (type “Amen!”) to God government for the gifts and glory of government. Repent of your selfish, wicked ways. If not for the government, you wouldn’t even exist.
Next time we might not be so lucky. Next time life could be suspended for … what? … seven hours?! The thought crushes the very (government provided) soul and tortures the (government enriched) mind.
* I occurred to me, as I wrestled with the technology related to a forth-coming video this morning, that I might make another on this subject: something about the Gospel of Government Prosperity. Eh? It could be like an inspirational sermon/documentary wherever the state is worshipped. For the other 3%, it could be a standup routine.
NBC15, Madison, WI.
Vox asked for reader reviews of Castalia’s new release, The LawDog Files, by LawDog. I volunteered and My God! I’m glad I did. My Amazon review:
LawDog leads the reader on a fantastic and hilarious journey through human psychology, the realities of rural Texas, and the ups and downs of LEO life.
Going into the book I was uncertain what to expect. I don’t think I’d every heard of the author before (my shame). He’s much more than a Sheriff’s Deputy – a humorist of great eloquence and adroitness. Think of stories by Jerry Clower, Ray Stephens, Andy Griffith, maybe Fred Reed; then, think about small town policing. That’s the nature of The Files.
I’ve been in Texas a few times but never trekked into Bugscuffle. It’s the kind of sleepy little town where the darndest things happen, only to be publicly forgotten and thereafter only retold by old men (in boring fashion). Except that, here, LawDog captures the essence of the area, its people, and the demands of law enforcement, melding them out of keen memory and superb wit.
You’ll love this book if: you have ever worked in or around law enforcement; you’re from Texas, the South, or anywhere rural; you fondly remember the “good old days” from a past America, or; if you just like to laugh. Thrill to: an amorous armadillo, a murderous animatronic Santa Claus, a Dick Cheney-style pheasant (quail??) hunt, and perps appropriately referred to as “critters.”
The layout was easy-going (for an ebook) – a straight flow from one funny tale to the next – as well designed as written. I found one drawback, due entirely to the subject matter and exposition. My reading slowed as I “lived out” the files in my head. And that’s as fun a literary problem as one can have.
I loved it! Do yourself a favor and buy The LawDog Files today. Many thanks to LawDog for serving on the thin blue line and then, again, with the fine lines of his pen.
You’ll love it!
Please note that the following is not a how-to guide. For most it is a humorous account of oddity; for a select few it serves as a warning. All of the following examples come from my long experience hanging out in better cigar lounges. There, in those, better (not best) behavior is required. Usually it comes with the territory, good fellows smoking good sticks. Sometimes things go awry.
I’ve recounted the great benefits of smoking a healthy cigar. And I’ve described the process of selecting the right cigar shop. Once you’ve found the right place, enjoy it. Just don’t commit the following sins of the cigar:
Imagine a man with more money than sense – and virtually no manners or couth. He’s used to getting his way merely because he can generally buy his way out of most situation.s Years of experience have also left him with the ability to talk his way out of trouble. In general, he’s very uninterested in others and rather uninteresting himself. He loud, rude, and crude.
He enters the sacred cigar environment. He doesn’t fit in so he actually tries to buy some friends. Cigars for everyone! He’s got some decent tastes in sticks, if in nothing else. People tolerate his odd ways – for a time. After a while it becomes obvious he’s merely trying to carry on his own agenda of … whatever it is. No one likes him or wants him around. And those are the regular customers.
He treats the staff (owner aside) like trash. These service workers, he thinks, are below him. Being of low self-worth, he takes out his aggressions on the those he perceives as second-rate. These happen to be trusted advisers and friends of the regulars.
Eventually this maltreatment, coupled with his usually abrasive demeanor, lead to his expulsion. His money only goes so far. Now, as an aside, this type is used to being ultimately dismissed. And he’s ready for it. Against all odds, he admits his faults and (for once) comports himself like a gentleman. He excuses himself and is never seen again.
There’s a usually “type” that frequents the better establishments. Old, young, black, white, blue or white-collar, rich or poor – there’s an appearance, a demeanor. The above character didn’t have it – too high-strung. On the opposite end of the scale we find a creature of zero drive, couth, and character.
He doesn’t necessarily have to be on drugs but he probably is. He wanders in one day dressed for the opposite season. He perches on the nearest piece of soft furniture and stays there for hours or days, a listless, dozing personality.
For a short time he keeps his welcome by purchasing the cheapest product offered. He often partakes of any free water or coffee offered. (The pills don’t pop themselves…). He, while harmless, is of little value. No valuable communications nor camaraderie.
After a short time his coffee pilfering weirdness is too much. Accordingly, he is dismissed. And he drifts away in search of quaaludes. No one misses him.
The Self-Banning Self-Righteous
The guy who is missed, by some and for a short time, is a most interesting study.
He’s a good guy. Middle class, hard-working, appropriately talkative – he’s got it all. And his taste in smokes is pretty good too. He seems to fit right in. And he does … until that day.
On the wrong day at the wrong time something will set this character off. He’ll get his usual smoke. Something will go wrong – bad burn, cracking, etc. It happens to even the best sticks. This deformity he brings to the attention of the shop-keep. Now the fun starts.
While going to retrieve a replacement, the clerk or manager will, per the business, crack a sarcastic comment. “Something’s wrong with the user!” Something like that. It’s just ribbing and it’s meant to build on the relationship. And, if the fellow waits a second, will result in another cigar – free of charge.
He doesn’t see it that way. All he hears is the comment. And he’s gone. Forever. Later attempts to track him down and reel him back will fail. He’s too indignant. “I shall not spend my money where I’m not wanted!’
He has effectively banned himself over nothing. For a while his lose is mourned by others. He was a good guy. Or, so it seemed. Then, one by one they all realize what a thin-skinned crybaby they had been dealing with. In actuality, he did not fit in. In the end, he was destined to go.
These personality disorders are more prevalent than most care to admit. The tendencies may be masked for a long time but, ultimately, they emerge. When they do, these types can get dangerous fast.
Usually they are associated with someone and not a general customer themselves. It could be a friend, a neighbor, or a spouse.
Inevitably something always happens that frees the crazy up to be herself. If the spouse, a good, ordinary customer dies, then the freak will begin to terrorize the shop. The assault starts with hanging around and making a nuisance. After this activity is quashed, she moves on to more aggressive, if clandestine, activity. Nightly visits and vandalism commence. The police are involved.
After what seems like an eternity, the horrors cease. Jail, injury, or something else breaks the pattern. Thank God.
The Mumbling Annoyance
This one is a little pitiful. But pity only goes so far.
This little character may take the form of an older man, short, lonely, and … slow. He seems to genuinely want decent company. Life has been hard and friends make things a little better.
The problem is his approach and lack of any social filter. His talk is non-stop, incoherent, and revolves around a subject no one can keep track of. His ceaseless conversation is impossible to understand to or to understand. It sounds like mumbling, like an air-conditioner humming in and out of key.
It gets to be too much. Most are too polite to outright shun his presence. The staff is concerned but slow to act. Finally something gives. It’s usually a mutual agreement. The disagreeable drifter finally accepts he isn’t needed or wanted. What results is more of an truce rather than a ban. Sometimes he’ll pop back in.
Most don’t notice. Or, they pretend not too. It’s a sad situation but not something any cigar can cure.
Another disorder that can’t be cured by retail measures is thievery. No one likes a thief. They don’t like freaks either. Sometimes these come in the same, strange package.
Picture, if you will, a young hipster. He has little to say. He dresses in pajamas – literally. He knows he has nothing in common with the regular crowd so he doesn’t hang out. Except in the humidor. There he stays for half an hour at a time. Yet he always emerges with the same small grouping of mid-priced sticks. He leaves.
This seems odd but harmless. His visits provide a little comedy relief. That is until the shrinkage becomes noticeable. A few sticks here, a box there – the losses begin to mount. After some sleuthing it becomes obvious the pajama boy is a master thief. His prolonged shopping excursions are primarily of the five-fingered variety.
Unless he’s caught in the act it is nearly impossible to press charges. And it’s best not to wait. It’s better to cut the loses and ban this fool before he does more damage. At least there’s something to laugh about after the fact.
The Drooling Harasser
Some cigar joints include a bar with alcohol. The two go together pretty well. Some fewer establishments manage a general, night-time clientage. If the vibe is right, then attractive young ladies may stop by. This is a general benefit to be appreciated.
A few don’t get the value. And they do what they can to disrupt everyone else’s enjoyment.
Pick the worst traits of the foregoing monstrosities and roll them into one staggering, drunken loser. He (always a “he”) serves too purposes. First, he will stumble about sexually harassing all of the young lovelies. They leave. People get annoyed. Second, he engages everyone else in pointless conversation. He further annoys the crowd. And he spits on them too – not out of malice, but from a lack of oral control.
The sooner he’s shown the door the better. This one is a potential shop-killer.
The Hard-luck Loser
There’s one other type that can fault commercial success like few others. It’s a loser of unusual proportions and unusual traits. This one is usually a woman.
She’s down and out. Aging. Disabled. Unhappily married. Mentally ill or drugged out of her mind – or both. She has nothing to do all day. And she craves attention.
Then she discovers a place where kindly, better-off men congregate. She sees this as a happy hunting ground. In she comes, quietly at first, explosive in the end.
Her visits progressively become more bizarre. She spends little money but much time. The time is spent talking pure craziness and seeking sexual favors from the regulars. These men are 100% red-blooded heterosexuals. Still, all but the most desperate or inexperienced rebuff the advances. Most recoil in sheer terror. Some depart.
Things come to a head after some over-the-top event. She will pull some calamitous caper. This event will clear the shop and leave everyone scratching their heads. They’ll all be glad when it’s over. But it’s not…
She’ll come back with a false claim that someone did something to her. She’ll make threats. She’ll expect a payoff or something. The best payment is a straight banning. A problem is bad enough. A problem that potentially creates more and worse problems is intolerable. She can take it all somewhere else.
I’m aware of a few more select stories. However, I think the foregoing get the point across. Some people just don’t belong in better company and society. Others just can’t last.
Cigars are meant to be enjoyed – by everyone. Whatever you do, don’t emulate the above examples of misbehavior. The last thing you want to hear is: “We don’t need your business. Get out.”
Yesterday’s article on freedom in education garnered quite a bit of commentary. Here are a few thoughts from select readers that I culled from my email, texts, blog comments, etc. I tried to respond to each. I usually shy away from this back and forth but I felt compelled by coffee and allergy medicine this morning.
‘The quality of public education directly impacts shareholders concerned with the school to prison pipeline. I have dedicated my professional career to ensuring the terminal end of the process remains lucrative. Dumb adolescents equal profits.’ – P. Warden, President, Private Prisons, Inc., Atlanta, GA.
Perrin: Remember, Warden, the millstone is better than what’s coming.
‘I was misenharted when Laura readed me you’re story. The children required victory for successes. We did!’ – G.W. Bush, Crawford, TX.
‘Consideration of various socio-economic indicators provides conclusive evidence and tacit reinforcement for generalized appropriation towards sustainable feasibility. More importantly, gender, racial, and ableist inequality derives from comprehensive malfeasance within the structural construct of disenfranchised and technonic economy, which, being a product of the patriarchy, is inherently insecure for ambulatory … [This went on for 666 more words…].’
– Chava Finkelstein, Cambridge, MA.
Perrin: You, “lady”, you….millstone…
‘Help! I want to read!’ – Johnny, age 8, Toledo, OH.
Perrin: Drop out now, Johnny.
‘Off topic: Mr. Lovett, your continual comparison of YOUR elected, idiot scum to MY people is a gross and abominable insult! Please discontinue this disgraceful political maligning.’ – M. Mouse, President, American Association of Rodents, Washington, DC.
Perrin: My sincere apologies.
‘Don’t need no school, won’t be no school. Them Cathilicks aughta study from what lord King James wrote. USA! USA!’ – Bubba, Anniston, AL.
Perrin: Bubba, I wrote my article out of concern for you and yourn.
‘I am so very glad that I invented education.’ – A. Gore, Outer Space.
‘you ain fo shit. sckool fo fool.’ – A. Sharpton, NY, NY.
Perrin: I also wrote being concerned for you, Sir.
‘Like I always tell Patrick, when you’re frowning, imagine a happy rainbow.’ – S. Squarepants, Bikini Bottom, Ocean.
‘Your caring, your intellect, and your rugged good looks make me want you so bad.’ – S. Johansson, Hollywood, CA.
Perrin: Call me. Right now.
‘We give them what they need; they give us what we want. Like shooting money in a barrel. Heckle, heckle, you can’t stop the shekel.’ – M. Rothschild, London, UK.
Perrin: Funny you mention shooting.
‘My union rep says we have to right to coffee and donuts in the lounge. My planning time is my Overstock time. Johnny smells and needs a placement plan and Ritalin.’ – Suzy Q., Teacher, San Diego, CA.
‘Why learn when you’re hot? I have money. Jeally?’ – P. Hilton, Beverly Hills, CA.
Perrin: Yeah… Aaaand, no.
‘Socrates, Aquinas and I want to know what the hell happened! Water the tree, for God’s sake!’ – T. Jefferson, Heaven.
Perrin: Working on it, Mr. President.
I’ve written two books now. I have so many many more to come. Books are awesome! This blog post is like a little bitty book. I’ll bet you’re glad you’re reading it. I am!
Here are a few books none shall ever read:
This Christian Loves America, Hussein Obama.
Austrian Economics in Action, Bernie Sanders.
Common Sense, Geo. W. Bush.
I Cannot Tell a Lie, Hillary Clinton with forward by Bill Clinton.
Slim, My Healthy Life, Chris Christy.
Straight Up: America First! Marco “Foam-io” Rubio.
It’s Not About Me, Donald J. Trump.
Small Arms Supply as a Component of the Drug War and International Terrorism, Eric “Fast and Furious” Holder.
Why I Love Government, Perrin Lovett.
Windows XX Really Works, Bill Gates.
Jesus was Right About the Day and Hour Thingy, the Rapture is Over-hyped, John Hagee.
Misunderestimated: A Study of Sauron as the Victim of Political Smear and Patriarchal Construct, J.R.R. Tolkien.
Hard Day’s Work, Al Sharpton.
Constitutional Limits on the Growth and Power of the Federal Government, John Roberts with assistance of Stephen Breyer and Elena Kagan.
The White Lady: my Mother, my Hero, Barry Soetoro.
Thank God for Guns, Charles Schumer and Diane Feinstein.
Capalism not Cronyism, Michael Bloomberg.
Oops! The Devastating Consequences of Central Economic Planning, Monetary Interference and Price Rigging, Janet Yellen.
Ladies’ Wrestling Turns Me On, Denny Hastert.
I’ll Just Shut Up Now, John McCain.
American as Apple Pie, Nancy Pelosi.
Ivory – Poems for my Caucasian Friends, Louis Farrakhan.
Love, Tolerance, Understanding: my Experience with Peaceful, Honest Human Interaction, Lindsey Graham.
Okay, Okay, I Ruined Rock Fore! Dough, Darius Rucker.
A Conservative’s Guide to Responsible Legislation, Paul Ryan.
No More Tears, John Boehner.
Well, It’s Better Than KG3: Critical Reflection on 21st Century America, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams.
Obama Scares Me, V. Putin.
Blood on my Hands, Egg on my Face, Henry Kissinger.
Keep What You Earn!, John Kerry.
Non-White Hate Groups of North America, Morris Dees.
I Love Children and Churches, Janet Reno.
My Guilty Conscious, Lon Horiuchi.
Inside the Inside Job, Dick Cheney.
We Come In Peace, Collected Biographies, various Syrian refugees, Introduction by ISIS executive for cross-cultural outreach.
What Should Be, Shall Be, George Soros.
Filthy, Trashy, Talentless Movies are the Best, Walt Disney.
My Mistake, Big Government Does Work, Dr. Ron Paul.
Think for Yourself, Sean Hannity.
Trust Me, Hon. Barack Obama.