Columns concerning any and everything. Enjoy!

Doctor Who On Taxes

04 Sunday Aug 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Legal/Political Columns, Other Columns

Tags

1977, anarchy, BBC, Doctor Who, false god, freedom, government, revolution, taxes, The People

Recently, for reasons which will remain classified, my mind wandered back to my childhood and late night viewings of Doctor Who on the BBC (via PBS). Through the magic of the internet one thing lead to another and I stumbled upon the following gem of cheap sci-fi anarchy. Enjoy.

In 1977 (Nov 26, 1977 to be exact) there was a Doctor Who episode called “The Sun Makers.” Tom Baker played the Doctor back then. Polls I found on-line say he is by far the most popular Doctor of all time as well as the longest tenured. He’s certainly the version I recall. I found a few video segments of the Sun Makers as well as the entire episode transcript. I vaguely remember the show – mostly as semi-decent entertainment. Now, having read the transcript, I am blown away by the trenchant social commentary

You can read the transcript here: http://www.chakoteya.net/doctorwho/15-4.htm.

The Doctor and his companion, Leela (more on her in a moment), arrive on Pluto in the distant future. It seems that sometime between now and then the Earth becomes worn out and uninhabitable. In humanity’s darkest hour an alien race of inter-galactic Shylocks come along and move humans to a rehabilitated Mars – for a price. A high price. Soon Mars is worn out and the show moves to Pluto which, thanks to the malevolent aliens, has artificial suns (hence the name).

When the Doctor arrives humans work in mines and live is large, futuristic cities where they are literally taxed to death by “The Company,” an outfit run by a greedy little alien named “The Collector” (of taxes…). The Collector employs “The Gatherer” as a sidekick henchman.

Everything is taxed on future Pluto: incomes, medicine, other taxes, even death. It almost sounds as bad as the USSA. In fact, the people’s interactions with The Gatherer seem just like current relations with the IRS. At the beginning of the show some poor sap is pleading with The Gatherer about a tax debt. The Gatherer insists the man work double shifts and do without sleep until the debt is paid. Poor sap: “It will kill me!” Gatherer: “You complain too much.”

On future Pluto “The Company” is synonymous with “government.” The Company serves as employer, lender, and civil authority for all. Pluto is a giant “company town” from which there is no escape. The Plutonians have come to literally worship the Company like a god. The dialogue is thoroughly peppered with constant statements of adoration towards the great alien “benefactor” – “praise the company,” God save the company,” and so on. It reminds me of the way modern Amerikans veritably worship the federal government as a god.

The Doctor arrives just in time to stop the afore-mentioned sap from committing suicide by jumping off a high roof. The distressed man explains the terrible situation to the Doctor.

(You’re taxing my Tardis?! What the…. BBC.)

The Doctor explains the man’s plight to Leela: “He can’t make ends meet. Probably too many economists in the government.” By the way, Leela was a beautiful and intelligent “savage” the Doctor picked up on one of his adventures. She came along between Sarah Jane Smith and the two Ramonas. She was like a Xena prototype.

(Go on. You were extolling the “benefits” of government… BBC.)

Leela immediately catches on the semi-divine perception of The Company: “These taxes, they are like sacrifices to tribal gods?” The Doctor responds, accurately: “Well, roughly speaking, but paying tax is more painful.”

Leela then issues one of the most succinct and wonderful solutions ever stated with regards to the universal problem of taxation: “Then the people should rise up and slaughter their oppressors!”

(Yeeeeeah. Before there was Xena, there was Leela. BBC.)

At the time of the Doctor’s arrival a rebellion is already forming in the Plutonian underworld. With a little help from the old sonic screwdriver the movement is a smash success. The good people of Pluto take Leela’s advice literally. Immediately below is a picture of The Gatherer seconds before he is thrown off the roof of a skyscraper by several of his former victims. Look at the face on than arrogant tax-o-mite.

(The taxman falleth … off the roof… BBC.)

On future Pluto, just like current Earth, the only certainties in life are death and taxes. Watch the following clip of The Gatherer’s last ride as one begets the other: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5cC__bBM1A. I’m still laughing. This is reminiscent of our fore-fathers tarring and feathering the taxman and running him out on a rail. At least, modern Amerikans would do well to so reminisce.

In the next video, the Doctor confronts the “blood-sucking leech” in charge (The Collector): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9emqnRpYoU. Upon learning his little empire has crumbled, The Collector reverts back to his natural state – a little piece of green slime. He promptly and simply imprisoned in a box. This strategy would likely work well with members of Congress.

Saved by the cunning of the Doctor and by their own courage, the people of Pluto set out to re-colonize Earth, which has apparently healed itself in the intervening years. One has to hope they choose, this time, to forgo the trappings of government in favor of a little freedom. Perhaps we can someday do the same. Thanks, Doctor Who!

Cigars on Deck

03 Saturday Aug 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Augusta, cigars, green space chickens, Perdomo, Top Shelf Cigar Shoppe

Summer is in full swing and it’s time for a cigar! Okay, this summer it seems it’s either crazy hot or raining buckets. What is the discerning outdoor cigar smoker to do? Sit in the garage? The wife will still nag about smoke magically seeping through the walls. Light up in the car? That’s not very comfortable. Puff away under an umbrella? You get the idea. On a hot and humid day or a really wet day it’s extremely difficult to enjoy a fine cigar in the great outdoors. Or it was…

Today you can smoke a stogie outside, rain or shine, in complete comfort! My good friend, Russell Wilder, has raised the bar even higher by adding a beautiful and spacious covered outdoor deck over at Top Shelf Cigars!

Check out this beauty!

Here’s the view from inside:

Take another look; cool and comfortable!

The deck, just like everything else Russell does, is top-notch. The whole area is furnished with comfortable chairs and plenty of tables for all your needs. You’ll find ashtrays, cutters, and lighters ready to go. Unlike at some other tobacco “shops,” on-site cigar enjoyment is actively encouraged here. Stop by and try something new like a Perdomo Champagne Sun Grown or a tried and true favorite like an Ashton VSG. Whatever you want, you’ll find it in the area’s largest and most luxurious humidor.

When fall ushers in cooler days, the deck will be the perfect place to enjoy a smoke and a spiced beer. Should winter deliver a rare snow, the fun can go on in style. Top Shelf is now the home of the ultimate outdoor cigar venue!

Of course, to experience the Ultimate Ultimate experience, all one has to do is step inside – into the classiest smoke shop this side of Park Avenue. For an outline of what you can expect, check out my older Top Shelf story. But, again, don’t take my word for it. Stop in and see for yourself! Pay Gerald, Sarah, Tom, Matt, Jake, and Russell “Cigar Man” Wilder a visit. You’ll be glad you did.

(Top Shelf Cigars: Augusta’s ONLY name in cigars!)

Unwanted Site Emails: Canned Ham!

27 Monday May 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

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Facebook took a suspicious view of the titles of my prior postings regarding unwanted solicitations. However, they’re still funny, so here is the latest roundup. Enjoy!

From anti cellulite treatment: “It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d most certainly donate to this superb blog! I suppose for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to fresh updates and will talk about this blog with my Facebook group. Chat soon!”

My Response: Wow! Even the spammers miss the “Help Old Perrin Out” link!!! It’s okay though. I no longer need cellulite. That must be one hell of a Facebook group… Delete.

From samsung smartphone: “What is the very best web site to start a blog that I eventually want to create revenue with?”

My Response: Obviously not this one. Even the spammers miss the “Help Old….” Oh. Delete…

From Visit This Link: “Hey I just wanted to let you know, I really like the writing on your website. But I am utilising Chromium on a machine running version 8.x of Ubuntu and the look and feel aren’t quite kosh er. Not a big deal, I can still essentially read the articles and look for for information, but just wanted to inform you about that. The navigation bar is kind of hard to use with the config I’m running. Keep up the good work!”

My Response: Yeah, I can’t afford the little “K” like the pickle companies and all. I’m glad they have chrome in Ubuntu. Is that where Obama is from? Delete.

From sky habitat: “Violent crime in Lisbon is a problem and the self called LWG (Lobster Watchers Gang) is the worst of them. Recently LWG and the CSG (Cigarette Smokers Gang) clashed in some bad territory disputes.”

My Response: I heard the SLG (Smoking Lobster Gang) was the worst of all. I won’t be in Lisbon anytime soon, at least not until the Vatican intervenes. Do they still have cat juggling? Shivers. Delete.

From mulberry outlet online: “A formidable share, I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing a bit evaluation on this. And he in truth bought me breakfast as a result of I discovered it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the treat! However yeah Thnkx for spending the time to discuss this, I really feel strongly about it and love studying more on this topic. If potential, as you change into experience, would you mind updating your blog with extra particulars? It is highly useful for me. Big thumb up for this weblog submit!”

My Response: Yes, I am responsible for more free breakfasts than any other internet ranter out there – then Drudge! I’m sure extra particulars will be worth some pancakes or something. Stay tuned. Delete.

From 2CKW1TSUUJESaI: “42811 168898Spot lets start function on this write-up, I in fact believe this remarkable internet site requirements additional consideration. I�ll far more likely be once once again you just read additional, thank you that data. 37571”

My Response: It seems my R2 unit is having its memory erased at the present. Could you re-number er send a little later456123. Delete123.

From blue man: “The Absent Game Among me and my husband we have owned extra MP3 gamers over time than I can count, including Sansas, iRivers, iPods (classic & touch), the Ibiza Rhapsody, etc. But, the last few years I’ve settled down to one line of players.”

My Response: Is this what I think it is, “blue man?” Not that kind of blog, buddy… Delete.

From teen mom mtv: “It’s an remarkable piece of writing in favor of all the online users; they will take advantage from it I am sure.”

My Response: Before you, teen mom, were born, MTV played music. It’s what the “M” stands (stood) for. You and your kind have ruined television and my Republic. Thanks. Delete and permanent ban….

From Same Day Payday Loans: “An intriguing discussion is definitely worth comment. I think that you ought to write more about this subject, it may not be a taboo subject but typically people do not discuss these topics. To the next! All the best!!”

My Response: Just you wait until you read my Payday Loan column, Loan Shark. Delete.

From playstation 3 emulator pc: “Hey there! Where did you get theme of this blog? It’s pretty amazing “

My Response: Hey there! I’m crazy! And amazing. Winky, winky. Delete.

This will be the last of the s@#m articles for a while. They tire me out. Cheers!

More Spam Than You Can Shake A Filter At

24 Wednesday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

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My cyber-stalkers are at it again. Let us exploit their offerings for our amusement!

From champagne shoes dsw: “Hi! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers? My last blog (wordpress)
was hacked and I ended up losing many months of hard work due to no backup. Do you have any solutions to protect against hackers?”

My Response: Just you people. My solution is a 12-guage shotgun loaded with buckshot. And, I snap punching bags off their chains. Any more question? Delete.

From Glady Tecklenburg: “haciendo un poco de programación aquí y allá para aprender, tratando de reforzar mis conocimientos en todo realmente, pero ya veremos cómo va.”

My Response: Glady you stopped in! I think you want Senor Marco Rubio. No habla illegaleze. You may have noticed everything here is in English. Delete.

From Small Biz Lady: “We are a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community. Your website offered us with valuable information to work on. You’ve done an impressive job and our whole community will be grateful to you.”

My Response: You’re a schemer aren’t you. Are you also a politician? Thanks for the “impressive” comment but the only schemes here are the ones I concoct. I mean my brilliant ideas. The plan. Organization…. Heck, delete.

From Small Biz Babette (not to be confused with the Small Biz Lady, she’s a lady, after all): “I appreciate, cause I found just what I was looking for. You have ended my four day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye”

My Response: There are a lot of four-day hunts that end here… You in on the scheme?? Bye, bye.

From Miniclip.com: “I would never have thought to create something pretty out of bread tags (or milk tags if you get bagged milk). I could imagine how colourful a whole jar would be filled with them or how one could create a mosaic piece of framed art!”

My Response: I get all my milk in bags. “Milk’s in the bag!” I oft exclaim as I stagger in the kitchen door! Instead of using a jar (so 20th Century), try filling a milk bag with bread tags, then snag a drag with the toothless hag. Just my gag. If you lag with the rag, you ain’t got no slag, frag! But, I brag. Seriously, we are always trying to come up with decorative bread tags designs here. It’s why I started the blog! dddeeeeelete!

From Online Background Checks 2013: “I’m just writing to let you be aware of what a wonderful experience my friend’s child undergone reading your blog. She came to find some details, most notably what it is like to possess a great coaching nature to have others with no trouble completely grasp selected advanced subject areas. You undoubtedly did more than visitors’ desires. Many thanks for showing those great, safe, explanatory and unique tips about your topic to Sandra.”

My Response: Background checks and you let a child come to this site!?!?! I’m calling DFCS before I delete.

From how to talk to Girls: “This piece of writing will help the internet people for creating new weblog or even a
weblog from start to end.”

My Response: Ahhh, the internet people – as mournful a group as the cat jugglers. Girls have cooties. Delete.

From Desing your baby girl nursery: “magnificent points altogether, you simply received a logo reader. What may you suggest about your put up that you just made a few days ago? Any positive?”

My Response: I recall singing to my little girl in the nursery. Her very first words were: “Daddy! DE-sing! You stink!” I usually find it better to give than to receive but, when it comes to logo readers, receiving’s where it’s at! The put up was a put on, honestly. Positive, negative, ground – it’s all good. Delete.

From Barack “Potus U Gon Notice” Obama: “Help, oh great blogging genius! I ordered a bombing in Boston last week and my official line is already falling apart! What would you recommend I do to divert attention from the CIA and Seals??? My cat plays well accordion. Happy falls tonight ;). All Bush’s fault…”

My Response: Leave the cat in charge, round everyone up, and all ya’ll head to the Hague for prosecution. ***I might have made this one up…***

(Iz Biden (get it???) my time. Iz Presidentz, no? Google I.)

From alcohol rehab treatment in Canada: “You actually make it seem so easy along with your presentation but I in finding this topic to be really something that I believe I might by no means understand. It sort of feels too complex and extremely extensive for me. I’m having a look ahead on your subsequent submit, I will attempt to get the hold of it!”

My Response: Hey, what part of discrete don’t you understand! I picked rehab in Canada so as not to raise eyebrows south o the border, hommie… Let’s get hold of the subsequent complex submit in one of the “group therapy” sessions we spoke of on the phone. Jeeeezzz…

Misguided Education

20 Saturday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

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Tags

Athens, BBA, college, education, foolish, get out!, girls, mistakes, UGA, useless, waste of time

A while back I wrote a piece about my journey through undergraduate school at the University of Georgia (“UGA”). I recently dredged up my transcripts from that experience and thought I would share the same with you – with commentary! Here follows a hilarious, self-deprecating look at the mistakes I made in Athens.

(UGA.)

As I related before, I majored in the wrong things and failed to realize my mistakes until it was too late. My grades reflected accordingly – I graduated with a “C” average. Considering how I felt about studying and how little I did, that “C” seems like a miracle. Also, I unofficially majored in girls, beer, and trail running/weight lifting; I worked full-time the last two years as well.

UGA is a great school, one of only 21 schools in America which received an “A” based on their required core curriculum. I think the requirements were a little different when I was there – last century – but I still had the opportunity for a first class education. My point here to two-fold: first, I want to entertain you by making fun of my foibles in college; second, and more importantly, I hope some of my younger readers may benefit from my mistakes so as to prevent a few of their own.

Fall Quarter, Year 1

I got a “B” in English 101 (composition). I write a lot and read well so this was no surprise. I recall the professor was a hot ex-business executive who decided she wanted to teach English. I got a C in Sociology. I hated this class and was terribly bored throughout. I gave it no effort – which, if I recall, was all it warranted. I made my only F, ever, in College Algebra. I can’t remember why I had to take this class in the first place. I did fairly well in math in high school. I think it was a weed-out class and it almost got me. I understood most of the crap in the classes but the tests were all administered by a computer with an incomprehensible software system. I suppose it was designed that way. Anyway, I learned a valuable lesso … actually, I learned nothing.

Winter Qtr, Year 1

I made a C in Eng 102 – the teacher was nearly as hot as the one from 101. Surprisingly, I made a C in American Government. Actually, I was not surprised. The professor was a nearly brain-dead liberal who “taught” straight from the New York Times, to which we were required to subscribe. I bet this is how the Times stays in business. I think my grade would have been higher had I made my term paper more politically correct. I wrote about American intervention in Bosnia – from my unique perspective. I wrote the whole affair off as illegal and unnecessary. Turns out, in hindsight, I was right. Still got a C. I got another B in a Geology class of all things. It was actually fairly interesting … I think.

Spring Qtr, Year 1

The transcripts say I took another Geology class. Or was it Geography??? I flopped through Microeconomics without much impressive success. I also took Anthropology 10whatever. The whole class was devoted to the study of a bunch of primitives in Africa. It might have featured Barry Sotoro, not sure.

Summer Qtr, Year 1

I met a super hot girl in the Obama class whom I started dating. She was entirely too good for me and later we broke up. Okay, she broke up with me. I deserved it. Anyway, she was a year ahead of me and I decided to take summer classes in order to try to graduate with her. I took Western Civilization (to 1500 AD), a class I really liked. The professor was a righteous dude! I retook the evil algebra class had no problems this time. They implemented a new software, just for me! I started an Intro to Cinema class thinking it would be easy and fun. It was not. They expected me to watch movies (that I did) and then analyse all sorts of weird entertainment theories and such. I dropped it.

Fall Qtr, Year 2

I studied Macroeconomics with the same success as Micro. Blah. I took Business Law, which I really enjoyed. I took a business major-related Pre-Calculus class (trigonometry?) and did much better than in the weed-out crap class. There was no computer involved. At the time, I absolutely hated computers, regarding them as evil, silicon-based lifeforms sent to make us miserable.

Winter Qtr, Year 2

Having quit the movies, I took a Theater class. I recall none of it but the transcripts say I got a B. I also got a B in MIS (Management Information Solutions??). We learned there was some sort of new thing on the horizon called the “internet.” Ever heard of it? Other than that, all I can recall is the professor stuttering his RRRRRRrrrrrrssssss… I almost got an A in Calculus! I should have got the A but I was quite happy with my B(+?). I was not sure why I didn’t get an A, seems I had a theory at the time. My secret to success was actually learning the material! I had to because the professor spoke not one word of English. I became intimately acquainted with the book. Everyone was required to take a PE class, pass or fail only. I took “Walking” because all of the cool classes like scuba and jousting were full. Turns out “walking” meant speed walking. I was the only man in the class and was always dead last behind the ladies. I had a theory. Anyway, passed it … barely.

Spring Qtr, Year 2

I started and withdrew from a Business Statistics class, which was the most dreaded class in the Terry School of Business. It was another computer-driven weeder. I took Accounting 1 and hated it. Hated it. Trying out one of my elective credits, I took Philosophy 101. I am philosophy! I loved it and made my very first A! I discovered there, that when you love something, it does not feel like work and seems to require no effort. I wish I had woken up and that point and made better use of my time. Onward…

Fall Qtr, Year 3

I did not take any summer classes – hottie and I had gone our separate ways. Anyhow, as the leaves turned I endured another useless Accounting class. I also muddled through another econ class – Money and Banking. I liked it (you know I write about monetary issues often) but I did only average, academically. For another elective I took a Classics class – Roman Culture. I absolutely loved it! As with Calc, I narrowly missed an A – I think I overslept for the final exam and only finished part of it. Anyway, this should have been another wake up moment. It wasn’t. However, given my constant recitation of Cicero and Sallust, by the power vested in me, by me, I hereby elevate my grade to an A! Haha!

Winter Qtr, Year 3

This was a miserable waste of a quarter. I found myself in a Marketing class. The high point was discovering the Professor was an avid hiker as was I. I forced my way through that Statistics class. Did you know that 60% of all statistics are wrong? True fact, that. At some point I walked into the Professor’s office and just asked for a D. A D and there would be no trouble from ol Perrin. She, perceiving my blight and perhaps my wrath, consented. “D” stands for DONE! My dad was a psychologist. I am not. I started a Psychology class and dropped it after being unnerved by the lab experiment – whatever the hell it was…

Spring Qtr, Year 3

The transcripts say I took “Prin of Prod.” I do not recall what that was. I didn’t do well, whatever it was. It matters not at all. This quarter I took my first major class, Real Estate something. I only got a B. that should have told me something. I’m sure it did but, at the time, I wasn’t listening.

Fall Qtr, Year 4

By only studying the manual which accompanied my fancy calculator the night before the final, I breezed through Finance! I still have the calculator! I also did well in some sort of Organizational Behavior (?????) class? I do not remember it at all. Unless, it was the one where I interviewed a local business owner (a “Republican” type) only to discover she was a government-loving zombie… My calculator trick did not work quite as well in my Real Estate Finance class but I made it through. Another flag ignored.

Winter Qtr, Year 4

I wasted away in another Management class and two Real Estate classes. I was upset about my grade in RE Development – the only time I ever cared. Professor C.F. Floyd, a local legend, gave me a B. I had an A all through the Quarter and had the highest grade on the class project (complete with glowing reviews). However, Floyd graded my final exam rather low – even though it was a completely subjective essay matter. Afterwards, when I protested, he said he just didn’t like my subject matter. I really respected the man but I went to the Dean with an appeal. The Dean, whose name I do not recall, told me Floyd was the senior-most teacher in all of UGA and I was out of luck. Sorry, Jack. I am not. I hereby elevate my grade to an A! +! I now have the power and you can just kiss my shrinking ass, buddy.

Spring Qtr, Year 4

This quarter I got my only A in my major (not counting the above post-fact elevation). It was in Corporate Real Estate. At the time, I liked the class and thought I had done a great thing. I since revised my opinion. Out in the real world, I discovered the class actually did me a grave dis-service. Based on what we studied, we all seemed to think we would immediately start out in Donald Trump’s shoes. None of us did. We were introduced to the “entry-level” world. Seems I took yet another unremarkable management class and something called “Interviewing” – who knew.

Summer Qtr, Year 4

Most of my friends took 5 or 6 years to graduate. With the help of one more summer session, I did it in the traditional four. Apparently, I took something called ADM Practices. Does anyone have the slightest idea what that is???? I also took two more Classics electives – Greek Culture and Mythology. Only at this last hour did I realize my business major mistake. For an hour or two I contemplated switching majors (or double majoring, maybe) to (in) something more classical – a real education. I regret not doing so to this day. Foolishly, I determined I had done all I could and accepted by BBA as was. Foolish.

I would like to say I have benefitted from that degree but I have not. It was completely useless. A friend of mine remarked the other day an undergraduate degree is a certificate which indicates you can sit still and concentrate on something for four years. It is nothing more – at least a BBA isn’t. It did not help me get a good job. It didn’t matter in law school. It doesn’t matter at all.

(A real BBA. Google.)

Should you find yourself in a similar situation, get out now! Either change what you’re doing or just drop out. You’ll be glad you did. You won’t have to sit and stare at your transcripts some day wondering what the hell “ADM” means…

Spam: Got a Heap and Selling it Cheap!

16 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

filter, green space chickens, Jessical Biel, kinky dirt, soul/sole paradox, spam, tooth development

To lighten up the mood a bit after yesterday’s horrors I present more funny tales from the spam filter. Once more, here follows real spam messages I withstood in blogville and my hypothetical responses thereto:

(Mmmm mmmm. Google, good.)

From Aurelio Hurtgen: “Dude.. I am not much into reading, but somehow I got to read lots of articles on your blog. Its amazing how interesting it is for me to visit you very often. -”

My Response: Dude! It’s like totally awesome! Reading is for nerds, dude. You are interesting for visits and reading of article blogs. Delete!

From keercalibralo: “By a whisker focused means that you are writing there something specific. Do not pick a topic on which you could gather column a book. As a substitute for of abortion, a postcard on every side a unambiguous county abortion clinic and its bearing on the neighborhood. In preference to of the coppers harassment, write about the behavior of the supervise on your impediment or in your reflex neighborhood. Focusing your field beginning and frequently want conserve you straightaway at near better directing your research. A focused point also leads to a focused paper. The only obsession worse than discovering that you spent four hours at the library decision superfluous bodily is putting that facts into your paper impartial because you inaugurate it.”

My Response: Uuummm. Okay. Let’s see…. An unambiguous postcard abortion of the book whisker… How do I supervise that impediment? I don’t know what “inaugurate” means here, but I will do my best to hereafter conserve on the straightaways. Promise. Delete.

From general: “I enjoy what you guys are usually up too. This sort of clever work and coverage!
Keep up the excellent works guys I’ve included you guys to blogroll.”

My Response: Sir! I appreciate email from high-ranging officials, SIR! I regret that there is only one …”guy” here. No guys. I’m sure you’ll be pleased to be an excellent work yourself, in this post, Sir! Delete, on the double!

From Lon Mericle: “Music began playing when I opened this web page, so annoying!”

My Response: The music is a deterrent feature just for people from snoreaid.org. Only you can hear it! It’s in you head, man. I have strange powers. And, thanks to being physically fit, I do not snore. Delete.

From yaz lawsuits: “As the admin of this web site is working, no uncertainty very soon it will be famous,
due to its quality contents.”

My Response: Soon it will be famous? Soon? I’ll have you know I get 3 or 4 hits per month! I’m famous today! I’m the hardest working admin in cyberspace! Sorry about the lawsuits. I guess that’s what comes from trying to kill little babies. Delete.

From Ahmad Barresi: “I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I don’t know who you are but certainly you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already Cheers!”

My Response: I see you’re from snoreaid also. Enjoy the music??? See the response. Going to be famous. Ha! You kill me! And now, I delete you…winky…

From YhgKFIdHjH: [I didn’t paste the text due to over linkiness.] They offer 50 mg of yahoo..

My Response: GhyeFgethYu. Google 100 mg. Twice. Daily. With food. Alcohol may intensify effect. Delete.

From how to get pregnant fast: “You actually make it seem so easy along with your presentation but I to find this matter to be actually something that I think I’d by no means understand. It kind of feels too complex and extremely wide for me. I am looking forward on your subsequent put up, I will try to get the grasp of it!”

My Response: Are you talking about the blog or how to get pregnant? I appreciate the kinky innuendos but I’ll have to delete. Delete.

From best Penis Enlargement: “I’m still learning from you, time I’m rising myself. I absolutely liked city everything that is holographic on your parcel.Cook the tips coming. I favourite it”

My Response: Hell yeah! I always bring my readers the best – posts or penis enlargements… We’re all learning here. It’s like a low rent city college next to a massage parlor. You keep rising and I’ll keep the holograph coming (with a “u”??). Yuck….. Delete.

From Adult Webcams: “Wonderful article! That is the type of information that are supposed to be shared across the net.
Disgrace on Google for not positioning this put up upper!

Come on over and consult with my site . Thank you
=)”

My Response: You should get together with the last spammer. Google can up upper my no-so-fat-anymore butt! I charge $100,000 per hour to consult with spammers and virus peddlers. Send gold first as payment. Til I have the gold, delete.

From Uncover The Truth About Someone: “I would like to show my thanks to the writer just for rescuing me from this difficulty. Because of surfing throughout the the web and getting recommendations that were not powerful, I figured my life was over. Being alive minus the answers to the problems you’ve sorted out by way of your article content is a crucial case, as well as those that could have badly damaged my career if I had not discovered your blog. Your main training and kindness in maneuvering the whole lot was useful. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had not discovered such a subject like this. I’m able to at this point relish my future. Thanks for your time very much for your skilled and effective help. I won’t hesitate to refer your blog post to anybody who requires support about this subject.”

My Response: I enjoy uncovering the truth about spammers and then paying them a visit in the dead of the night. Bwwwhhahahahaha! Seriously, I’m glad I saved your life and career. Can I use this as a testimonial? Relish that future, baby, like a hotdog at the ball park. Put some mustard on there and get a beer! Delete.

From Tamar Jennings: “I severely delight in your posts. Thank you Tamar…”

My Response: I work extra hard to ensure severe delight in all my victim…readers… I have a severe pain in my wrist. I was punching the bag and … oh, you probably already read about it. Severely. Delete.

From NahElaphy: “Children’s tooth development begins while the baby is in the womb. Teething usually occurs between the ages of six and nine months. Children usually have their full set of 20 primary teeth (milk teeth, baby teeth or deciduous teeth) by the age of three years. At about the age of six years, the first permanent teeth erupt (push through the gum).”

My Response: Gee thanks, Nah! I write three or four times a week about the children and their tooth development. Would you care to do a quest column? Just send 200 pounds of gold along with you 5,000,000 word essay (none of which will be returned) and I’ll consider it. Are some trees deciduous? Delete.

From valarieuc1: “Porn Every heyday [web link] jessica biel … [many many dirty words…]

My Response: Vals, in our heyday, a bar of soap was applied to the mouth to rid the vocabulary of such filth. Delete. PS: Jessica Biel is hot!

Okay! That’s all I can take for now. Don’t you feel better? Laughter is good for the soul. The sole of a size 12 boot deletes the spam.

Keep calm and spam on!

Band (Banned) In The USA, 2015 Edition

15 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Legal/Political Columns, Other Columns

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Casto, cigars, Cuba, embargo, JFK, law, Obama, United States

Here follows an article I wrote some seven years ago for the now defunct News From The Vegas Room, Vol. II, Issue I. This is the former unofficial publication of my local cigar shop, Top Shelf Cigars. I re-posted it here with implied permission. It’s a column (page 2, mind you) about cigars and the Cuban Embargo! Just click on the following link to read (page 2):

Vegas Rm Art 2008

Bolivar Belicosos Fino (Google Images, fair useage, etc…)

The information contained in the old article may be out of date – I cite some laws which may have changed. Then again, though the Cuban embargo still stands, President Obama has recently expressed his desire to end this stupid policy. I spoke with my tobacconist today about the cigar ramifications and I re-read the article – still pretty spot on and accurate. Enjoy!

It also features an old, poor-quality picture of yours truly, when I was much larger. hehehe…

Tales From The Gym

14 Sunday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ Comments Off on Tales From The Gym

Tags

cardio, EFC, gym, injury, lessons, punching bag, Rule 33-7

While the rest of the world debated the application of Rule 33-7, I dragged myself to the gym today. Over the past week I have beaten myself to a pulp. Today was supposed to be an off day but somehow I found myself at EFC.

Everything is going great. My weight has been a constant 187 for a few weeks now. My last two pair of pants are in danger of falling off. I would feel great except for several gym-related injuries. Last week I overdid the weights and, as a result, I have a sharp pain in both my shoulders and in my forearms at the elbow. My knuckles are sore and my wrist is sprained thanks to the punching bag. Actually, the sprain came from poor form on the punching bag. But, when a 100-pound bag of sand has you in a corner, you swing away with abandon.

Master Starks and old buddy Derek will certainly appreciate the lesson learned here – a bad form injury leads to better form in the future. It all works out for the good. The other injuries are good too; they are proof I’m doing something right, if a bit too much too fast.

Back to the bag: I see others gingerly tapping away sometimes. They throw cute, fast flurries of “punches” insufficient to budge the sandman. Not me. When I hit, I hit to harm. When I kick, it can be fatal – at least to bags. The afore-mentioned ass-kickers will recall long ago when I sheared the half-inch steel bolt holding up a bag clean off. The bag slammed into an i-beam and fell dead on the floor. That required a lot of power. Cute and power don’t usually reside near each other. Anyway, I ramble…

(I felt sluggish… Google.)

Today when I arrived at the gym I had pre-decided against any martial arts. As my upper body felt like diseased jello I figured a leg routine was in order. It wasn’t. It seems I have another bad form injury from a sidekick which has left one leg in a drastically weakened state. Also, no matter what I did everything else hurt too. After flopping around helplessly for half an hour and watching some 20ish year-old girl demonstrate convincingly the benefits of “kick-backs,” I headed up stairs.

There I discovered that even crunches hurt places they ordinarily would not. That left me with one option – cardio. So, I limped over to an elliptical machine and, after great effort, placed myself thereon. Then, for some unknown reason, energy kicked in. I ellipted away for a whole hour and over 700 calories. It may have been an all-time best for me (especially given my status).

When I finished I had enough power to crawl to the inverter and teetered there for about ten blissful minutes. A long steam and a shower later and I felt a whole lot better. It’s two hours after the fact (and after lunch) and I still feel good! That, friends, is the power of fitness!

Maybe tomorrow morning I’ll go for my usual early workout. Maybe I’ll be back in tip-top condition. Maybe I’ll just sleep in and load up on Advil. I know for certain there will be coffee.

I Get Spam

12 Friday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ Comments Off on I Get Spam

Much as David Letterman gets letters, I get spam. This does not include comments from any of you, dear readers. These are wacky emails from people selling crap or trying to con me into (or out of) something or attempting to hack my computer. I check all of these missives for the few real comments which get inappropriately grouped in with the other crap. The rest I usually delete. I decided to share of few of the most recent fishing hooks with you, along with my hypothetical responses. Without any further ado, here are the … Tales from the spam filter…

From Uncover the Truth About Someone: “Wonderful work! This is the type of info that should be shared around the internet. Shame on Google for not positioning this post higher! Come on over and visit my website . Thanks =)”

My Response: Well gee, it’s getting to when I google some generic items, I get my own articles on the subject – high on the list of sites. My site pops right up when searched for. As for your site, I think I’ll pass. Thanks. Delete!

From Your Confidential Background Check Bobbii: “Thanks for all of your efforts on this site. My mother takes pleasure in conducting research and it is obvious why. Many of us learn all of the lively medium you produce both useful and interesting tricks by means of this web site and as well as recommend contribution from website visitors about this theme and our favorite child is studying a whole lot. Take advantage of the remaining portion of the year. You’re performing a very good job.”

My Response: Bobbii?? I’m happy your mother likes research. My mother enjoys gardening. I am also relieved you find my tricks interesting. I turn em for free, after all! Your favorite child has a recommended medium? Lost me there. Delete!

From htc Themes: “I appreciate, cause I found exactly what I used to be taking a look for. You’ve ended my 4 day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye”

My Response: Four days!? Dammit, son! Glad I could help. Is “htc” the same as “thc?” Delete!

From Elmira Throne (a course facilitator…): “This was a actually very excellent publish. In theory I’d prefer to write like this also – getting time and actual effort to make a wonderful piece of writing… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and by no means seem to obtain a thing done.”

My Response: I theoretically excellent publish very. The things done I obtain are – what can I say – excellent publish. Delete!

From Penis Enlargement: “Hunt fore to city solon. Large blog article.More thanks again. Major.”

My Response: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha… Delete! As if…

From Georgiann: “You need targeted traffic to your website so why not try some for free? There is a VERY POWERFUL and POPULAR company out there who now lets you try their traffic for 7 days free of charge. I am so glad they opened their traffic system back up to the public! Sign up before it is too late: [uncited website].”

My Response: And, after 7 days, they bill me a $1000 and use my server to conduct European corporate espionage? I’m too UNPOPULAR. Sorry. Delete!

From Tennille Polizio: “The problem is how many people can relate. Since I am “out of touch” I have yet to figure out which posts will get a lot of comments and which won’t. In fact, usually when I write what I think is a great post”

My Response: I can relate! Being out of touch I … the Polizios of East BFE??? Well, write great post! Delete!

From money choice: “Hello very nice blog!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Wonderful . . I’ll bookmark your site and take the feeds additionally? I’m satisfied to search out a lot of helpful information here in the submit, we need work out extra strategies on this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .”

My Response: . . . . . . . . . . Guy? Do you know the origins of “Guy?” You calling me a “Guy” like I’m beneath you, MF’er??? I’m satisfied after several cups of coffee early in the morning, know what I mean? You keep the strategies. Delete!

From Suereuhfeem: “Привет!У меня есть хорошая новость Тогда читайте новость – [cite?] – Бесплатная доска объявлений sumy.ua , [cite?] – Бесплатная доска объявлений г.Сумы, bazar.sumy.ua , [cite?] – доска объявлений г.Сумы и [cite?] [cite?] – доска bazar.sumy.ua или [cite?] – Добавить объявление Бесплатная доска г.Сумы … Удачи Всем!”

My Response: Uhhhhhh? Delete.

From Penis Enlargement (a multi-spamer!!): “Thanks for other large accumulation. Where added could anyone get that write of substance in much an nonsuch way of work? I possess a presentment succeeding period, and I am on the see for specified info.”

My Response: I think I know where this “large accumulation” and “substance” stuff is going. I possess a proclamation descending exclamation, we may over the tree for generic generality. Delete!

I tolerate all of this abuse and more in order to bring to you, the beloved reading public, the best ravings any madman ever ranted. Honestly, I foresee funny much over for writing substances Gobblededy gooppey looopey loofus. Agreed and we will share commencement for all future interactive proclivity? Hee, hee…..

Random Notes

08 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in News and Notes, Other Columns

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Happy 101st post! Happy Masters’ Week and welcome to Augusta, world. Don’t buy from scalpers who are not smoking or drinking – likely undercovers…

Billy Payne announced today that next year, on the Sunday before the tournament, the National will host a youth golf tournament of sorts. There will be year-round qualifications across the country, culminating with a visit to the finest course on earth. If you have a young golfer, get them involved. If you own a hotel on Washington Road, you get to jack up the rates a day or so early. Win-win.

The world mourns the loss of Baroness Margaret Thatcher today. The Iron lady was 87. She was one of the four people probably most responsible for the end of the Soviet Union; she is pre-deceased by Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul, II, only Mikhail Gorbachev remains from that club.

This weekend I hit the gym extra hard, I’m paying for it right now. Saturday I worked the fire out of my arms. I broke a personal record! Yesterday it was back and chest. I was already feeling sore when I reported back to the crazy room this morning for more torture. You guessed it, arms and back. Ha, ha, ha… After that I stepped up to the punching bag for 15 or so minutes (even brought my own gloves). Fortunately, when I was finished I discovered a massage therapist was working compliments of EFC (another reason to love the place). Saturday they had complimentary pineapple chicken. The chicken was excellent but I prefer the massage.

While I was in the funny massage chair the girl remarked that I had a lot of muscle mass to get through. I like remarks like that. I also dropped another pound, landing at 187. My body mass index has fallen from the low-end of the “obese” category to the low-end of “overweight.” However, I have cut my body fat to about 13% (Lord knows what it was – I estimate 30% or so) – that’s in the “athletic” range. Accordingly, I do not mind being a little “overweight” since it’s all muscle. I’m just getting started.

If I can successfully incorporate boxing/martial arts into the program, I may call it The Batman Workout, unless that would infringe a copyright or something.

More to come soon.