Headlines From The Future

Meet “Sarcasto,” The Galactic Herald, Page A1, April 10, 7020 AD

On a cool autumn afternoon in 6995, two ditch-diggers happened upon what they thought was a large rock. The rock turned out to be a massive door composed of steel, tungsten, and ceramic materials. When, with moderate difficulty, explorers opened the door, they made the archeological discovery of the millennia. Inside a bunker-like cave, hunched over a primitive word processing machine, were the semi-frozen remains of the shabbily-attired man who lived and died at the beginning of the last ice age. Today, after two decades of study, he has a name: Sarcasto.

Sarcasto lived in the disputed area of Eastern Georgiflorilina, a slave province of the ancient Obese States of Israel. He stood 7.754 telemaros high and weighed nearly 4,000 mixidepils. It appears he lived on an exclusive diet of coffee and tobacco. Despite being found alone, signs of premature aging suggest he was at some point married. Sarcasto’s body is the best-preserved cadaver of the Lostfaithicene Period. His manifest higher intelligence, normal BMI, and lack of tattoos suggest he was probably an outcast. He was likely a dissident hermit, a failed novelist who subsisted by foraging for twigs. 

The numerous cigars found all around Sarcasto had caused a major stir, demonstrating conclusively that mankind possessed advanced leaf technology and rolling skills thousands of years earlier than previously thought. Doctor Cubano Esteli said, ‘It’s the equivalent of opening the casket of an old man and discovering therein a cigar!’ Most exciting of all, researchers have at last decoded the cryptic etching Sarcasto left on an aluminum plate. The Galactic Herald herein produces Sarcasto’s final words, verbatim (with one explanatory annotation):

*****

To Whomever In The Distant Future Finds This Plate:

Greetings! I am Perrin Lovett [What Sarcasto meant by “Perrin Lovett” is unclear. These words, possibly an imprimatur, have never been successfully deciphered though they appear at the beginning of all recorded accounts of the great leader, Thomas Ironsides, a blessing be upon him. It is possible that Sarcasto was a follower of the Prophet or even a relative. We may never understand this mystery.] and I may be the last survivor of the Coronavirus Hoax of 2020. It wasn’t the flu bug that did us in.

Every winter season, millions of people, in my dead nation and around the world, were afflicted by numerous bacterial and viral infections. Tens of thousands died every year. This was nothing new. The COVID-19 was merely a cold virus with a slight ACE2 gene expresser suppression or latching mutation. It was easily defeated by Vitamins C and D, UV radiation from sunlight, Chloroquine, and Albuterol – that is, if any medical care was required at all. Some ninety percent of “victims” were asymptomatic and never even knew that they had the disease. The great majority for those who did show symptoms readily recovered at home without issue. Aside from initial greater-than-average affliction among East Asian males, global fatalities were only common in three predominant groups: 1) those elderly persons in poor health; 2) fat people with pre-existing disorders, and: 3) coprophagic sodomites with naturally compromised immune systems. While the late-stage United States Empire swarmed with all three demographic cohorts, the death rate was still relatively low.

In early April of 2020, there were approximately 300,000 diagnosed cases of (or with…) COVID-19; around 7,500 of these cases resulted in death (95-97% of the deaths within the three primary demographics, particularly among the old and infirm). At the same time, there were some 330,000,000 people within the porous borders of the Empire. The math:

Death rate among the known infected: 7,500 / 300,000 = 0.025 or 2.5%.

Death rate among the greater general population: 7,500 / 330,000,000 = 0.000227 or .00227%.

The people had elected as their leader a lesser evil known as Orange Man. Orange Man’s unconfirmed Twitter scare-tactic death rate among the greater population: 240,000 / 330,000,000 = 0.00073 of .073%.

Orange Man’s henchmen’s utterly idiotic worse-case scenario death rate among the greater population: 2,200,000 / 330,000,000 = 0.0067 or .67%.

For further reference and scale: every year during the early 21st Century, around 600,000 Americans died from preventable obesity-related illnesses. This was thought (if we can call it that) to be the low price of fast food and cheap sodas. Anyone attempting to raise an alarm about this phenomenon was labeled a body-shamer. Every year, during the preceding four and a half decades, around 1,000,000 tiny children were brutally murdered in America for reasons purely selfish and satanic. Those who objected to this genocide were deemed Nazis, woman-haters, or opponents of moloch.

Back to the Corona hoax pandemic, the rate of death, mostly among people who were already dying or who would soon die of something else was 2.5%. The “sum of all fears” potential death rate, which never materialized, was less than 1%. However, math and critical thinking being lost arts among the wicked, 93-IQ, television-loving populace, the concurrent hysteria was large and terminal.

From the very outset, I declared the pandemic a hoax. When all of modern life became an endless series of pitiful hoaxes, they were each in their order rather easy to identify. It was also a cover for the pre-existing collapse of the monetary and financial economies. Worse, the government used the hoax as an excuse to virtually imprison the newly unemployed, if uninfected, masses within their own homes. All domestic life immediately and inexplicably ground to a halt. And the people loved it. This collapse in civilized morals and intelligence caused me to retreat into my doomsday shelter. 

Before sealing myself in, on April 3, 2020, I made one final venture among the people. At a place called Walmart (originally a discount retailer, then having become a holding pen for retarded, gelatinous five-hundred-pound women who waddled about while screaming into electronic communications devices), I learned that many of these doomed creatures were reduced to eating toilet paper and that, driven by feminists, Walmart had ceased selling ammunition. 

Worst of all was the gleeful way in which putative Christians quickly abandoned the churches and the way the churches sealed their doors to the Christians. At once, Marx’s abolition of “illusory happiness” was accomplished. If they could be bothered, the people, even the allegedly faithful, cheered. Yet, they found not nor demanded their “real happiness.” Rather, they lived and starved in perpetual fear behind silly masks, closed doors, and unemployment checks. Orange Man spoke on television for six hours each day.

I had long closed myself off from the insane world before the heavy bombing started. Well, I assume there was war; there always is. The rumbling I heard above might have come from a passing Walmart herd, but I doubt it. In the end, the majority who were not blasted by high explosives must have succumbed to malnutrition and real pandemics. You know this outcome better than I.

In parting, I can only advise you of a few things. Keep the faith in God, not in men and their institutions. Take care of the young. Maybe consider cutting back on the technology as it has a way of dehumanizing us. Do not under any circumstances avail yourself of usury. Dispense with the evil of warfare. Democracy is the worst tyranny. Stop the hoaxes.

Your ancient friend,

-P

PS: Please do not assume me to be a crackpot hermit. I once wrote for the most highly-respected online newspaper in the Georgia Piedmont region!

*****

Editor’s final note: the preceding were the thoughts of an ancient crackpot and hermit. The primitive mind was given to obvious mental hallucinations.

In This Morning’s Herald:

CULTURE: Pastor Says Babies Inconvenient (See: D8)

FINANCE: Cohen-Goldsteinberg Says ‘Borrow Now!’ (B1)

WAR: Bomb Mars … Again! (C2)

POLITICS: Robots Vote In Record Numbers, Edge Transvestites (A4)

WEATHER: No Global Warming, But It’s Just A Matter Of Time

ALSO AT TPC!