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That Princeton-Georgetown education is really paying off, let me tell you. Fed Chair Jay Powell says we’re going to hell in a handbasket.

Federal Reserve Chair Jerome H. Powell said Thursday the U.S. economy is in an emergency and is deteriorating “with alarming speed.” His remarks came shortly after the central bank unveiled over $2 trillion in new loans to keep the economy afloat as much of the nation goes into a lockdown to fight the spread of the deadly coronavirus.

In totally unrelated news, the long-lost bridge recordings from the SS Edmund Fitzgerald have finally surfaced. On the final log, Captain McSorley is heard saying, “It appears we are taking on water. Therefore, I have directed that the bilge pumps be reversed. The added ballast should surely solve our local emergency.”