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The following came to my dumbphone this afternoon. I temporarily took the anti-Zuckerberg shields off my laptop so as to take these pictures of the phone screen (yes, I flipped off the NSA, etc. on-screen; also, yes, got a haircut).

Screenshot 2020-04-07 at 7.01.21 PM

EXTREME Alert (not any ordinary alert)…

Screenshot 2020-04-07 at 7.01.48 PM

What kind of alert, again? EXTREME!!!


Is this really all that urgent? TAKE EMERGENCY ACTION NOW!

How should I respond? IT’S THE END! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!!

A fitting song, now:

Red alert is the color of panic
Elevated to the point of static
Beating into the hearts of the fanatics
And the neighborhood’s a loaded gun
Idle thought leads to full-throttle screaming
And the welfare’s asphyxiating
Mass confusion is all the new rage
and it’s creating a feeding ground for the bottom feeders of

Hysteria, mass hysteria!
Mass hysteria!
Mass hysteria!