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PERRIN LOVETT

~ Deo Vindice

PERRIN LOVETT

Tag Archives: comedy

The (Ukrainian) Gun Show Loophole

03 Friday Jun 2022

Posted by perrinlovett in News and Notes

≈ Comments Off on The (Ukrainian) Gun Show Loophole

Tags

arms sale, comedy, consequences, Javelin, Ukraine

It was a brilliant idea! Stoke the potential embers of WW3 by attacking the most heavily armed nation on earth. Follow-up by sending weapons to the most corrupt nation on earth. What could go wrong? This, as predicted.

While US and European citizens pay for the war in Ukraine, and Washington announces multibillion-dollar aid packages to the Kiev regime one after another, Ukrainians do not miss their chance and gain money from foreign military supplies.

Ukrainian “defenders” are selling the famous Javelins on the darknet. Today, anyone willing to help Ukrainians can buy a Javelin online for 30 000 USD in Kiev.

“Get the Ole 148! Boy, does it work great!***”

They even have the 0.0 rating right.

Do keep in mind that this insanity was made possible by the exact same shitheads who want to take away your pistols and rifles. Perfect sense. Simply brilliant. Here’s hoping that at least a few of these rather weak rockets do find good homes and uses somewhere.

According to sources, $30K is a steal. Also, according to Tom Ironsides, it was cheaper still to just intercept the things in transit.

***Not effective against Gen. 2(.5)+ main battle tanks. I doubt the Ukies give refunds…

Brandon Lays Down THE LAW!

22 Tuesday Feb 2022

Posted by perrinlovett in Legal/Political Columns

≈ Comments Off on Brandon Lays Down THE LAW!

Tags

Brandon, comedy, lies, Russia, sanctions

I just watched Brandon’s stand-up routine and boy, lemme tell ya! They’ve really straightened out his medicine and/or shock therapy. His solution to the neo-satanic Trotskyites’ bitter, ancient hatred of Russia is, as I understand it, calling Putin bad names and cancelling Russia’s international debt. THAT WILL SHOW THEM!

I also learned today that Russia has invaded the territory of a sovereign nation in defiance of something called “international law”. Have you ever heard of such a thing?!

I am so proud that my great and enlightened people elected Brandon as our validly elected president in the most fair and honest and uncontested election in history. Our great national idea and proposition itself has never engaged in aggression against anyone nor invaded the territory of any other country. We have never invaded, attacked, or otherwise engaged in any hostility against anyone. Certainly not against the British Empire. Nor parts of Canada. Nor against Mexico. Nor the Indian Tribes. Nor the CSA. Nor Spain. Nor Cuba. Nor the Philippines. Nor Japan. Nor China. Nor Germany. Nor Italy. Nor coal miners. Nor Korea. Nor Russia. Nor some of these again. And again. Nor Vietnam. Nor Iran. Nor Lebanon. Nor Grenada. Nor Nicaragua. Nor Panama. Haiti. Liberia. Venezuela. Iraq. Kosovo. Afghanistan. Libya. Syria. Yemen. Ukraine. Kazakhstan. Probably some I’ve forgotten. Probably some I don’t know about. COVID. The World. J6 protesters. Maybe some aliens. Etc, etc, etc.

The problem is clear. It’s terrorists white supremacy climate change COVIADS you me Russia! Thanks, Brandon!

The Austin and Milley Show!

18 Wednesday Aug 2021

Posted by perrinlovett in Legal/Political Columns

≈ Comments Off on The Austin and Milley Show!

Tags

Afghanistan, comedy, dead empire

World-class, ‘Muricans!

A summary of today’s HI-larious press conference:

“No, we really have no idea what happened there. In Afghanistan. Well, we can’t do anything about it because we LACK THE ABILITY to do so. What’s that? Yes. Yes, they stole some of our planes. We’re working on… We working hard to… We’re doing stuff. Trust us.”

Meanwhile, the Taliban ride the bumper cars at the fair. 2,500 years from now, historians will laugh about the Bumper Car Expedition that ended the US Empire.

UPDATE: Some weird old man called “Biden” (??) is babbling away about the hoax. Best comedy show I’ve seen in years!

DC Comedy Show at 4

24 Tuesday Sep 2019

Posted by perrinlovett in Legal/Political Columns

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

comedy, DC, Democrats, farces, impeachment, Trump

So it’s clear: the Democrats now accuse Trump of doing kind of the same thing to Biden that Obama did to Trump. Except that if Trump did it, his “violation” was not domestic and was legal. Trump says he didn’t do it anyway. Still, the show will go on! But, we must consider that “Ukraine, Ukraine, Ukraine!” doesn’t have the Russia ring to it.

Whatever else he is, if Trump was one-tenth as bad as the Dems say he is, then there wouldn’t be any enemy combatants left in DC to hold the show hearings.

Like Carlin, minus the logic.

PS: I sincerely hope this is the sum total of my impeachment-related commentary…

UPDATE: Nancy Pelosi isn’t a stupid woman. She’s just lost control of her party. She also assumes that people can’t remember a mere decade’s worth of BS. Yesterday, she cried for “the Constitution!” In 2009, she thought the Parchment was a joke. Sad. Read the Presidential call transcript (NBC copy…). In essence, it says Trump was just reelected.

 

The DNC Crystal Ball Comedy Tour

31 Wednesday Jul 2019

Posted by perrinlovett in Legal/Political Columns

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Tags

2020, comedy, Democrats, Marianne Williamson, politics

Cue the Styx song…

She’s a little off base, but not wrong about the dark forces though.

From TPC: TION 101: Regulation, Taxation, and Inflation

19 Friday Oct 2018

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

comedy, economics, fiction, Piedmont Chronicles, TPC

This week’s column follows, in full. I wrote it fast and dry and, one quick edit aside, I didn’t even read it. An apology for the ho-hum-ness passed to TPC. But … MB ran it with praise today. I read it and … he might be right. A blending of one of my pet issues with a little nuanced fiction, comedy even. It captures a glimpse into my recent foray into cultural anthropology, a little hidden German truth, and even some nature photography. Enjoy:

[Perrin Lovett] – TION 101: Regulation, Taxation, and Inflation

Somewhere, a professor concludes a lecture on political economy and economic politics.
———-
‘So, class, to wrap things up, the government and its allies – the other enemies of the free people – always engage in three insidious activities. All three loot actual productive value from the highest and best uses of capital, shifting it into various schemes, all of them nefarious. All three eat away at the economy. All three amount to forcible theft. Slavery, we could even rightly call it.
‘The stolen money, the stolen value is used to buy votes via illegal programs. It beats down innovation and competition from start-ups. It enriches and empowers the few at the expense of the many. Evil. To. The. Core.
‘And, again, I call these the three “tions.” That’s spelled “t-i-o-n-s,” pronounced “shuns, s-h-u-n-s.” And, shun these mechanisms of cultural destruction we should.
‘Again, they are: regulation, taxation, and inflation.
‘Taxation is the most obvious of the evil trio. Pay them what you’re told or else men with guns will literally come and take it by force – up to and including deadly force – if necessary. And for all they tax, they still spend more.
‘Think about this: King George demanded the aggregate equivalent of a one to two percent income tax, and that only affecting certain industries and persons. What do we pay Washington these days? Ten, twenty, thirty percent? Was as high as ninety at one time.
‘Regulation affects everything. This category is a bill of goods, sold to the enstupidated masses under the guise of “protection.” We know the only people protected are the government agents whose jobs depend on enforcement – more men with guns – and the wealthy businesses who write the laws and regulations.
‘Remember that the next time you’re tempted to vote. You’ve been sold out. They simply do not care about you. After the election dust settles and the pleasant lies subside, it’s back to business as usual. Government of, by, and for the corporations.
‘For an age and a half, politicians – especially “conservatives” – have railed and ranted about cutting the size and scope of the theft. They haven’t. Anymore, they don’t even try to retard the rate of growth. Sellouts, all.
‘All except one, maybe. The oddest thing has happened. For once we have, in power, a man willing to at least try what he boasts. And, most incredible of all, he’s seemingly getting results. Donald John Trump said he would cut taxes and regulations. And then … he cut taxes and regulations.
‘The tax cuts – decried as radical – were, to me, most modest. Still, modest beats nothing. But the regs. Those he’s been feeding into the wood chipper.
‘And the economy has answered. BOOM! (For now…)
‘The Congress, well not so much. Those fools keep spending and there’s never enough. With all the cuts, the economy is predictably growing. That means higher tax revenues – with and from lower tax rates. But the idiots spend even more. More debt. More debt. And then, some more debt. And the debt is a problem. Someone once wrote something about that… That was a truth and a joke…. Ah, well. (*Sigh*)
‘The debt goes hand in hand, hand on hammer, with the third “tion,” inflation. But, maybe, just maybe, Trump is about to address that too.
‘Up until now, he’s tolerated both the machinations of the Fed and the spendthrift stupidity of the legislative branch. Here’s to hoping that that’s about to change.
‘The other day, in typical Trump-Twitter fashion, the President accurately described the Fed criminals as “loco.” That’s el-Spanish for “crazy.”
‘And it is crazy. Central banking, as we’ve already noted, is always, always, always an insane suicide pact. Cheap, easy money today, misery tomorrow and for years to come. Theft and slavery, writ large. Cut taxes to Constitutional levels – to zero – and pare down the regulators to levels acceptable in 1787 and, if you keep up the funny money and debt, you still come to utter ruin. Eventually.
‘So. Really wrapping it up here. Let’s hope Trump smashes the locos! Amirite?
As the good and learned professor looked upon the gathered young faces, an uncertain hand rose from the throng.
‘Yes, young Sir,’ cued the professor.
A small voice answered, ‘My. My. My shoe is untied.’
‘Teddy called Tommy a bad word!’ called out another tiny voice unsolicited.
‘Um,’ stammered the old academic, ‘Well. Let’s just. Okay! Class is dismissed! Your teacher will now help you out to the buses … and … so forth. Down with the “tions!”’
Slightly dismayed by the blank stares in Ms. Hiccup’s third-grade classroom, Professor Wahrheit collected his things and departed the Immanuel Kant Comprehensive Elementary School for the Arts and STEM Inclusion Learning.
A foursome of deer, ambling about on business of their own, encountered Wahrheit midway along his long walk home. ‘The man seems troubled,’ thought the lead doe. But the “tions” simply were not her concern. With a sniff and a bound she was gone. Three smaller females followed. Warheit, still walking, didn’t even notice.
Who, really, notices what?
Picture by Perrin.

THE TPC ORIGINAL, HERE

What is it like to run a Chainsaw? It’s terrifying, cry-inducing and smells horrible

17 Friday Jun 2016

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

chainsaw, comedy, parody, satire

It felt to me like an AR-15 — and sounded like a circular saw.

One week after 287 trees were felled in a Oregon topping operation, I traveled to West Virginia to better comprehend the cutting power of military-style chain saws and, hopefully, explain their draw to private loggers.

When it comes to the hard work of felling trees and cutting them into firewood, there's just no substitute for the chain saw. This machine is loud, oily and smelly—attributes you'll quickly forget after you drop a tree in under a minute. A couple of hours with one is enough to prepare a pickup-full of firewood or to whittle down a big pile of brush created by a windstorm that just swept through.
These saws have been around for nearly 90 years and have improved steadily all along. Today's machines are easy-starting, well-mannered and have a high power-to-weight ratio. Most important, they cut with a vengeance. In fact, they're so good, it's hard to find a bad one. Still, clear differences emerge between homeowner and pro ­models. To find out what those are, we spent three days pruning an ancient orchard, felling trees and crosscutting them into logs. The ­seven saws we tested had engines in the 35 to 38 cc range with bars 16 to 18 in. long. Here's what we found, after the smoke cleared and the sawdust settled.

The Horror!

But mostly, I was just petrified.

Several big-box stores and tool shops turned down my request to run and discuss the Husqvarna 240e, a style of powerful chainsaw popular with mass cutters such as Amazon Jungle logger Fernando Alverez and similar in appearance to the Echo CS-370 saw used by the Oregon loggers.

Loggers in mass cuttings used Chain Saws, thanks to Home Depot.

But Franz Dudulsnorf of Triple Cut Tools and Logging School invited my team of busybodies to come on out, way out into the woods for our story. Dudulsnorf is not like many saw lovers. He loves logging, true, but has difficulty explaining why law-abiding citizens need a saw that can turn a 40-inch chain in a few milliseconds. He also detests the idea that normal people get “a holt to” a saw like this and use it to cut logs without trouble.

“There should laws! Checks extending into your grandmother’s neighbors, your dog, and your elementary school librarian,” he said. “And there should be a doctor’s note. In Antarctica, if you want to buy a chainsaw, you have to see a psychiatrist (note: even a New Yorker knows there are no trees at the South Pole).”

Dudulsnorf, who opened his shop nine years ago on land adversely possessed, also said he never sells a saw to someone who “looks like a big bunny,” and he boasts he had stopped several saws from getting into private hands because the would-be tree-killer  “asked crazed questions” like, “Where do I add oil to this thing?”

Almost no other saw shop owners do anything close to Dudulsnorf’s scratch and sniff test — and he acknowledged how easy it is to find another tool store willing to make a dollar through an honest sale. (More on that in a minute…)

Obtaining a saw is all too easy. In fact, as Lancaster Daily Planet columnist Hubert Widdlesworth showed yesterday, you can get a military-styled saw in seven seconds in this country — sometimes much faster.

Dudulsnorf doesn’t think it should so easy. “Really only the government should have chainsaws. The little people can get by with an axe or old-fashioned, two-man hand saw. The wrong people are cutting trees,” Dudulsnorf, scratching and sniffing oddly, added. “We can’t blame the saws.”

Saw Safety Counsel’s Shelby Goldenstein: Australian insanity: Assault saws for all

He loves the chainsaw for forest rangers, soldiers, park service workers and big-tree industry cutters. He was also the only shop owner willing to let me run a saw without buying it first – capitalist jerks! After so many micro-aggressions I was happy to find Franz.

My hands hurt! I’ve used a hacksaw before, but never something as powerful as a chainsaw. Trigger the trigger even very gently and the resulting ROAR of power is humiliating and deafening (even with Gucci ear muffs).

The rattling shook my arms, which can happen if you’re very weak. The saw-dust and chips of wood disoriented me as they flew past my pain-drawn face. The smell of burning oil and fresh, green wood made me nauseous. The Roar — loud like a Warring blender — gave me a temporary form of PMS. For at least a day after running the saw just 15 seconds, I was upset and tearful. I write this from my safe place under the stairs.

Even in idle mode, it is very simple to cut down six trees before you even know what has happened. If revved up to full power, it doesn’t take any lucidity to see scores of trunks falling before your safety bar.

All it takes is the will to cut. And money. Most saw shops want money.

Two hundred, eighty-seven trees can be down in 30 seconds – give or take an hour.

ALERT: A few people have objected to my use of the term “PMS” in the above story. The use of this term was in no way meant to inflate my very wimpy terror with the actual condition experienced by many of our women (and a few cross-dressers, I suppose) in skirt. I regret the un-manly use of the term to describe my horrible impression of the chainsaw’s raw power. I apologize for it. In fact, this mistake on my part has caused me such frustration I feel another case of PMS coming on. Darn! Did it again. I will also soon post a follow up piece: Grain Dryers are Big and Loud and Scary Too.

EDITOR’S NOTE (from Perrin): This odd story landed in my in-box this afternoon. The sender was anonymous but I suspect it may be from the poor fellow who published the AR-15 tale of terror and PTSD. I have placed it here for comedic purposes.

Perrin Lovett

From Green Altar Books, an imprint of Shotwell Publishing

From Green Altar Books, an imprint of Shotwell Publishing

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