Courtesy of Jimmy Fallon of all people. Fallon, whom I can’t bring myself to express an opinion about, hosted a threesome of evil droids on whatever his show for the lower-IQ masses is called. For full disclosure, I watched but did not listen to the following. I find the audio beyond annoying.

Please watch the bot demos (reading my assessment below):

Jimmy Fallon/YouTube.

As most of you know, my only interest in these damned devices is how to destroy them. Keep that in mind.

1. Little Dog (< 2:10ish)

These models and their larger cousins are one of the greatest outright martial threats to us – right now. These were developed by or through DARPA and are intended to act as hunter-killers, the real Mechanical Hounds. They are quiet, faster, and extremely agile. Unfortunately, these are currently ready for deployment. Here’s how to beat them:

Shoot center mass, where, in these models, all vitals are housed – battery, motors, “brains.” For this little guy, a single round of buckshot should suffice. Sidearm wise, I’d hit it twice on each side of the bifurcated body. And, you’d better be quick. For these very small units, if one can catch it while it’s still and on the ground (as opposed to on your neck already), a hard stomp should cripple it – allowing for more and heavier stomps. Stomp until it stops moving and/or starts smoking. I DO NOT recommend stabbing these. Yes, most fixed blades should easily penetrate the shrouding. However, one cannot guess, without schematic consultation, where or how powerful the batteries are. Avoid the shock. For the Big Dogs, it’s multiple rounds of buckshot and/or slugs or rifles. Hit it until it ceases functioning (hope it can’t or doesn’t shoot back). Engage the Biggies, if at all possible, from a distance.

2.  WTF Apple (Tomato??) Ballgag Bot (2:30 – 4:30ish)

Okay, I didn’t listen to the audio and I really have no idea what’s going on with this one – overtly. As far as I could visually gather, the sole purpose of this model is to affix a ballgag in the mouth of the host/victim. There is probably a degree of mind and motor control as well. All of this probably has something to do with silencing dissent or with some demented ritual act(s). No matter; again, for my consideration it’s all about dispatching the evil ASAP.

All locomotion seems to be provided by the human slave on which this mid-sized mechanical beast is perched. Thus, per the ancient adage, it’s one in the head, two in the chest. Collateral damage or mercy killing, whichever have you. In this demonstrative case, the host gentleman is some sort of mentally defective oddball. I realize the shooting will be harder (or easier) when it’s your sister-in-law.

Once the host in on the ground, proceed to go center mass on the droid. I suspect the apple (tomato) head is mostly empty. Again, fire or strike until it’s “dead.” I would avoid any manual strike with feet, fists, or elbows in this case – there’s the possibility of this thing attempting to grapple its way up an extended limb. Use a club or other truncheon, or a firearm.

3. Sophia, proto-terminator T-300 (4:40 – )

Here, we glimpse the greatest danger – possibly surpassing that of the ED-209-like variants. This “lady” is smaller, less convincing, and much less advanced than other models already available. The goal with this line is the deployment of a series of infiltrators, indistinguishable from ordinary humans. They’re closer than one might expect.

The take-down: Sophia is wheel based. I do not think she has the ability to right herself once toppled. Thus, a swift kick or shove should ground her. From there (or, even while she’s standing) it’s gun work. Center mass is important but not complete. There’s something vital in her “chest” housing. However, I sense motorization is below the belt – between her waist and the loco wheels. Hit both areas repeatedly until she stops moving and/or catches fire.

I think a heavy melee weapon (un-bladed or pointed as to avoid electrical shock) would work. On Sophia, heavy kicks, stomps, or other manual blows might work. Do be careful with more elaborate humanoid models. If it can walk, it’s probably stronger than all but the strongest man; don’t get close enough to find out.

*****

In general, a localized EMP or a liquid flame-thrower will also work wonders, particularly the pyro route. Word of warning: let Hellywood and Elon keep the propane flames; you and I need sticky, continuous burning.

In general, do not watch the products of television or Hellywood – let them keep all the insanity with the insane. Leave recon to people like me.

As always, keep your eyes open and keep spreading the word. These things hate us and are determined to snuff us out. We must all do our parts to defeat the robot menace. Fight!

A PSA from perrinlovett.me.