Tag Archives: Robert Mugabe

Flags to Half Staff: Robert Mugabe, RIP

06 Friday Sep 2019

Posted by in Legal/Political Columns, News and Notes

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The greatest leader in modern history is dead.

Despite (baseless) allegations of ineffective management, cultural collapse, starvation, brutality, and even cannibalism, Exulted General Mugabe made his mark as the revolutionary bulwark of modern Africa – indeed, of the free and civilized world. Consider just a very few of his many accomplishments: Changed the name of Rhodesia to Wakanda Zimbabwe. Made all Zimbabweans billionaires. Cut throats unemployment to effectively zero percent. Cured cancer. Perfected cold fusion. His work with the space program speaks for itself; the pyramids would have never again been fully operational without his involvement. Turned Ian Smith into a rockstar. Reformed agriculture, ensuring a food supply capable of feeding all of his continent and most of the world. The internet. Hop-hip. Etc.

We have lost a titan.

I hustle for my muscle and you look weak son, yeah!

I’m goin’ for all that I can get. 

Kickin at the top cause I’m too legit to quit… sing!

Too legit… Too legit to quit…

RIP

 

Just Sayin, Just Askin: Robert Mugabe Special Edition

21 Wednesday Mar 2018

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I mentioned this one and then left it simmer. Maybe a little dated now but here it is: I needed something to robo-post… funny, I think:

Robert Mugabe, the Warlord in Chief of Zimbabwe Post-Rhodesia, had an American woman jailed for telling the truth about him. I haven’t done a quick fire in a while so I thought I dedicate this one to the old thug. Well, most of it. But, first:

Donald Trump does Japan. Word has it thousands of terrified locals ran about screaming, “Orangezilla! Orangezilla!” Could have been a coincidence…

The ATF and FBI, on-scene at the Texas church today, issued a joint statement about the crime: “Koresh set the fires! We’re here to save the children or what’s left of them. Reno said the tanks were legal… Oh… it’s… it’s 2017. Wheeeeeew. Not terrorism.”

To my statist liberal and cuckservative friends: The FBI alleged MLK was a complete degenerate. Is it time to admit maybe “your” government is always infallible? Or, is it now time to tear down those monuments. Y’all lemme know. I’m good either way.

A wayward (and soon to be SJW’d) Starbucks employee saved America from Antifa yesterday. For each of the “protest” localities he ran the following message: “Out of soy latte.” Good on ya, bub.

Donna Brazile said HRC and Co. treated her like “Patsy the slave” during the 2016 election. Hillary was rumored to have been talking with Robert Byrd’s ghost on the Ouija Board around the same time.

Some call for banning guns. Others say ban terrorists. No one says ban trucks. Why not just call it all even and make murder illegal???

Arthur Blank has confessed to innocence on the part of his kneeling birdies. He understandably claims they didn’t know it was a protest or solidarity move; they just figured kneeling down was what losers do.

Robert Mueller has a case of constipation no indictment will cure.

AND NOW … Mugabe.

No word on why the young NYU grad was in Rhodesia Zimbabwe Hell. Her business, that. She maybe should have read Mencken on people hating the truth, powerful people in especial. She said Mugabe was a “sick man.” Okay, they hate half truths. The “sick” part is spot on – in so many ways. Sick “man” though? Come on, sweetie. We’re dealing a little to the left on the evolution chart here.

Ugly: adjective, unpleasant or repulsive, especially in appearance. See this:

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Is is “Mugabe”? or “Mugaboo”? Mug – A – Boo. He mugs a lot of boos. All of them in fact.

Mugabe’s picture adorns Zimbabwe’s $100 Upmty-trillion Bill, currently sufficient to buy half a slice of bread.

UPDATE: Thanks to Mugabe’s stellar agricultural management, there is currently no bread in Zimbabwe. Save your money!

If not for periodic catheterization and his weekly prostate massage, Mugabe would have no social life at all.

If Obama had a really haggard, crusty old grandpa, who wrecked a formerly prosperous nation and looks like he lives in the back of a garbage truck, he’d look a lot like Mugabe.

How long is an eternity? Right now, it’s looking like 93 years.

NEWSFLASH!!!! Mugabe hit on Kevin Spacey last Friday night. Spacey is now straight as a board. And still vomiting.

If Hitler had been black he would have looked a lot like Mugabe – minus the flies.

A mislead yokel happily reported to Mugabe that the last white farmer had been run out on a rail. The young man then stammered that food was now a little low. He asked the dictator innocently, “what shall we eat?” Mugabe replied with a hungry grin, “you.”

Mugabe not so secretly hates his subjects. He recently denigrated one for having the audacity to die of starvation on the hood of Mugabe’s Rolls.

Mugabe is the one man reason for every single African refugee in the world. Can you blame them?

Mosquitoes are bad for Zika. Zika is bad for babies. Mugabe is bad for all three. Balance?

In 1994 Queen Elizabeth made the monumental mistake of knighting Mugabe. He stole the sword…

Late at night in the ghettos, now everywhere that isn’t Mugabe’s palace, hopeless Zimbabweans pray for deliverance – to the ghost of Ian Smith. (Not making that one up.)

Scorpions and asps tell Mugabe fables to keep their crawling and slithering children in line.

The only thing more wonderful than calling Mugabe a sick man would be to honestly call him a dead man.

Mugabe’s economic “reforms” hit the GDP so hard, they felt it back in old Rhodesia. Trans-quantum theft and corruption. Got to be a first!

An Ogre-faced Spider (Deinopidea Scariness-ia), largest and meanest in Zimbabwe, screamed like a little girl one day. It saw Mugabe in its shoe.

A team of time-traveling archeologists from the future wanted to study the meteor strike killed the dinosaurs and devastated the planet. They landed in Mugabe’s Zimbabwe by mistake. “Close enough,” their leader said.

And that’s close enough for us now…

* Got a few score drafts hanging around. I also owe some book reviews. Time to catch up?

 

Mugabe at the End (Thank God)

21 Tuesday Nov 2017

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Still working on that comedy sketch about the old Mugabster. In the meantime, here’s a good analysis from Taki’s Mag and Hannes Wessels:

After 37 years of murderous and destructive rule, it looks like the curtain is finally coming down on the Mugabe regime. Military coups are seldom welcome, but few of Zimbabwe’s beleaguered citizenry are unhappy with this dramatic turn of events. After decades of misery, the prospect of life under “Gucci Grace,” the ghastly First Lady, provided a frightening future scenario that propelled the military into a direct and decisive confrontation. Almost universally this man is now reviled, and few will lament his political demise. But it was not always like that, and be mindful; he did not get to where he did without international help, and he could not have ruled for 37 years without the enthusiastic assistance of a liberal-socialist political and media machine that revered him no matter what he did.

British foreign secretary Boris Johnson spoke emotionally about “this beautiful country” that has suffered a “brutal litany of events” under the despotic rule of a man who has rigged elections and stands responsible for the “murder and torture of his opponents.” He said that “all Britain has ever wanted for Zimbabwe…is for Zimbabweans to be able to decide their own future in free and fair elections.” Prime Minister Theresa May expressed sincere concern for the safety of “British nationals” in the benighted country. These pronouncements resonate with the mood but invite some scrutiny.

Interesting to note that Her Majesty’s leader of the government is now concerned about Britons in the wake of a coup, but through the course of almost fifteen years of civil war, when Rhodesia fought to stave off the odious challenge posed by Mugabe and his forces, and thousands of “British nationals” faced the gravest of threats, the British government of the day resolutely backed the other side. And Boris Johnson’s recollection of history and Britain’s long-term commitment to “free and fair elections” is also rubbish. The fact is, the Mugabe accession to power was carefully choreographed through the ’70s by the wily mandarins of the Foreign Office, culminating in the Lancaster House Conference.

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Taki’s Mag.

Things have been a little slow, here, I’ll admit. I’ll also admit things here are still free…

 

Politicians in Peril: Send Money

16 Thursday Nov 2017

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Al Franken: He’s gropey enough, he’s grabbey enough, and doggone it, you’d better wear body armor if you fall sleep around him.

No doubt Mitch McConnell, Ivanka, the WSJ, and The Jeb will immediately call for his resignation. ……. Hahahahaha! No.

Anyway, Al probably needs money. Send money.

Roy Moore: I met Roy Moore (briefly) one time after he gave a speech. He did nothing untoward. I also had dinner one night with his former colleague, Hon. Harold See. I didn’t know who Moore was at the time and we did not discuss him or any alleged … proclivities. The man certainly failed to confide in me any rumors of strange mall walkings.

Anyway, Roy probably needs money. Send money.

Robert Mugabe: I’ve never met the man although I did once catch an ugly, cross-eyed flounder that kind of looked like him. His atrocities I have read about, maybe more extensively than the average. I still detest the filth. I am happy to learn he is under house arrest and “negotiating” his retirement.

HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) — In the first round of negotiations over how President Robert Mugabe will leave power, the Zimbabwean leader met Thursday with the army commander who put him under house arrest and mediators, including South African Cabinet ministers and a Catholic priest.

Meanwhile, an emergency summit of heads of state of regional countries was called by the 16-nation Southern African Development Community and is expected to formalize the terms of Mugabe’s exit.

It takes a village to fire an idiot.

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Almost as good as “Mugabe Under House.” AP.

A short preview of my forthcoming, Mugabe-centered piece (which will require necessary post-arrest revision):

Is is “Mugabe”? or “Mugaboo”? Mug – A – Boo. He mugs a lot of boos. All of them in fact.

Mugabe’s picture adorns Zimbabwe’s $100 Upmty-trillion Bill, currently sufficient to buy half a slice of bread.

UPDATE: Thanks to Mugabe’s stellar agricultural management, there is currently no bread in Zimbabwe. Save your money!

If not for periodic catheterization and his weekly prostate massage, Mugabe would have no social life at all. (Firehat, RIP!)

If Obama had a really haggard, crusty old grandpa, who wrecked a formerly prosperous nation and looks like he lives in the back of a garbage truck, he’d look a lot like Mugabe – but still not as bad.

Anyway, Robert probably needs money. Send rope.

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Grab ’em by the flak jacket! And why have I never heard of Leeann Tweeden before?! Purdy!! KABC.

Robert Mugabe “Safe,” Say Coup Leaders

15 Wednesday Nov 2017

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Well, thank God for that. Hopefully he’s safely on his way to the gallows as I type.

In what may or may not be a coup (hmmm…) the army has seized control of Harare and Mugabe.

HARARE, Zimbabwe — Zimbabwe’s military said early Wednesday that it had taken custody of President Robert Mugabe, the world’s oldest head of state and one of Africa’s longest-serving leaders, in what increasingly appeared to be a military takeover in the southern African nation.

After apparently seizing the state broadcaster, ZBC, two uniformed officers said in a short predawn announcement that “the situation in our country has moved to another level.” While denying that the military had seized power, they said that Mr. Mugabe and his family “are safe and sound, and their security is guaranteed.”

“We are only targeting criminals around him who are committing crimes that are causing social and economic suffering in the country in order to bring them to justice,” said the main speaker, who was identified as Maj. Gen. S. B. Moyo, the army’s chief of staff.

The criminals around him!!! Mugabe is like a gas giant planet, a big, ugly, ancient, decrepit, smelly gas giant; he, being the main criminal, has scores of smaller hoods orbiting around like moons and rings. Happy hunting there, generals!

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“Woof! Woof! Woof!” Mugabe and associate thugs celebrate 1,000,000% inflation at prior communist tent revival. EPA/NYT.

Coup in Zimbabwe?

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

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Interesting. Couldn’t happen to a finer country nor a thuggier thug.

HARARE (Reuters) – Zimbabwe’s ruling party accused the head of the armed forces of treason on Tuesday as troops took up positions around the capital in an escalation of a dispute with 93-year-old President Robert Mugabe over political succession.

Just 24 hours after military chief General Constantino Chiwenga threatened to intervene to end a purge in the ruling party, a Reuters reporter saw six armored personnel carriers on major thoroughfares on the outskirts of the capital.

Aggressive soldiers directing traffic told passing cars to keep moving through the darkness.

“Don’t try anything funny. Just go,” one soldier said on Harare Drive.

The presence of troops, including the movement of at least six armored personnel carriers from a barracks northwest of Harare, sparked rumors of coup against Mugabe, although there was no evidence to suggest Zimbabwe’s leader of the last 37 years had been toppled.

The lead item on the ZBC state broadcaster’s evening news bulletin was an anti-military rally by the youth wing of Mugabe’s ZANU-PF party.

The Southern African nation has been on edge since Monday when Chiwenga, Commander of Zimbabwe Defence Forces, said he was prepared to “step in” to end a purge of supporters of a sacked vice president.

The unprecedented statement represents an escalation of a rumbling political struggle over who will succeed Mugabe, who has been in power since the country gained independence from Britain in 1980.

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Those things run on diesel. Who knew they had any left? REUTERS/Philimon Bulawayo.

I know some (mostly idiot coastal academics) hold modern Rhodesia Zimbabwe and Mugabe in high esteem for Mugabe’s agricultural “reforms,” tolerant, open, and honest governance, and economic stabilization. I simply detest the senile bastard and weep for what the people lost (or gave away … took … whatever).

A week or so back I had drafted a comedy piece of sorts about Mugabe, based on his recent handling of a certain American college student (whose professors probably adore the warlord in chief). It needs a little tweaking but it’s pretty good. Coming soon! Yes, and if this rumor turns out true, I could perhaps append a very happy ending – maybe with a picture of Mugabe on a pike or the gallows or something.

Hope springs eternal.