The Fall of Gondolin

24 Tuesday Apr 2018

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books, J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fall of Gondolin

You can’t keep a good author down. Even if he’s been dead for nearly half a century. Later this year we can look forward to another new masterpiece by J.R.R. Tolkien: The Fall of Gondolin:

HarperCollins has announced that it will, for the very first time, publish The Fall of Gondolin on 30 August this year.

Edited by Christopher Tolkien and illustrated by Alan Lee, The Fall of Gondolin will follow the same format as Beren and Lúthien published last year, separating out the story so that it stands alone while showing how the narrative evolved over the years. This is the first time the tale of the Fall of Gondolin will be published as a standalone edition, collecting all versions of the story together.

Responding to the news, Tolkien Society chair, Shaun Gunner, said:

We never dared to dream that we would see this published. The Fall of Gondolin is, to many in the Tolkien community, the Holy Grail of Tolkien texts as one of Tolkien’s three Great Tales alongside The Children of Húrin and Beren and Lúthien. This beautiful story captures the rise and fall of a great Elven kingdom, taking place millennia before the events of The Lord of the Rings. This book brings all the existing work together in one place to present the story in full.

Let’s hope it’s more like The Children of Hurin (a full story) and maybe less like Beren and Luthien (a full telling of how a story developed). The potential is epic.

For the Hobbit and LOTR readers, this is the ancient, crown jewel Noldorin civilization mentioned briefly in those works (and also in TCOH). For Peter Jackson movie fans, say five Hail Marys and go read those books. All: get a preview from The Silmarillion and Unfinished Tales.

The short story Of Tuor and His Coming to Gondolin (UT) set the stage but was, sadly, never finished. Let’s hope this book does it.

The-Fall-of-Gondolin-290x437

Tolkien/Lee.

Back to the First Age Again

09 Friday Jun 2017

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

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Tags

books, J.R.R. Tolkien, Kindle

Just got my first edition print of Beren and Luthien by J.R.R. Tolkien. Well, it’s a first edition for Kindle – my first Tolkien on an electronic format. It seems the pitiful ~~toy and coffee~~ bookstore I went to, their whole chain, and the publisher are out of hardcover prints already (released June 1st). How many decades of Tolkien bestseller experience does Houghton have??? Anyway, I could have consulted Amazon and express shipped one (if available) but I wanted it immediately – thus, Kindle:

nimbus-image-1497055597269

Houghton Mifflin / Tolkien Estate / Christopher Tolkien / Alan Lee.

As I mentioned at the beginning of the year:

Beren and Luthien is the great love story of the legendarium. It tells the tale of Beren, a mortal Man, and Luthien, an Elvish princess – one of only three such “mixed” marriages in Middle Earth. They undertake the most daring quest in the long history of that world.

Some of you have read perhaps the short version of the story in the Silmarillion. From that work also came The Children of Hurin, which was released ten years prior to B&L. Christopher Tolkien’s editing and narration skills have increased dramatically since 1977 (and I never shared the contemporary criticism of his work, then). This book will be excellent.

And it would also make for one of the best Tolkien movies imaginable. That is, if Peter “Ruin Everything Possible” Jackson is kept as far away as possible. A movie with something for everyone – date movie, chick flick, fantasy, action. Come to think of it, TCOH, Tolkien’s tragedy, would make a fine movie. No Jackson.

The B&L legend soundly defeats one of the major (unjust) claims of Tolkien detractors – that of a lack of romance. In that regard, the legend was so important to Tolkien that he had “Beren” and “Luthien” inscribed as nicknames on his and his wife’s tombstone. This is a romantic epic of the highest order, riddled through with adventure. Sauron even makes an appearance, in person and in voice.

I highly recommend this work when available. If you must buy just one novel this year, this should be the one. It will probably be mine.

Now, I sincerely hope Christopher is already at work completing the tales of Tuor and Idril.

It seems, from the Preface, that Christopher is hanging it up with this book. He points out he is 93. Perhaps the third and/or fourth generations will attack the other legends.

For now I’m looking forward to the release of a deluxe, boxed, collector’s edition to go with my collection. You can and should obtain yours: here and now:

Beren and Luthien (2017)

Please excuse me; wheels up for Beleriand.

*Review to follow, here and at Amazon, in time …

Beren and Luthien: May, 2017

18 Wednesday Jan 2017

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

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Tags

books, fiction, J.R.R. Tolkien

Literary fans, take note. A new Tolkien book cometh this year, 44 years after the author’s death. And the story itself is one of Tolkien’s oldest. At around 100 years in the making it predates both The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. All of this makes me feel especially good about my slowness in cranking out new books.

beren-luthien

Alan Lee / Harper Collins.

Beren and Luthien is the great love story of the legendarium. It tells the tale of Beren, a mortal Man, and Luthien, an Elvish princess – one of only three such “mixed” marriages in Middle Earth. They undertake the most daring quest in the long history of that world.

Some of you have read perhaps the short version of the story in the Silmarillion. From that work also came The Children of Hurin, which was released ten years prior to B&L. Christopher Tolkien’s editing and narration skills have increased dramatically since 1977 (and I never shared the contemporary criticism of his work, then). This book will be excellent.

I highly recommend this work when available. If you must buy just one novel this year, this should be the one. It will probably be mine.

Now, I sincerely hope Christopher is already at work completing the tales of Tuor and Idril.

Anarchy Is Better Than No Government At All

30 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by perrinlovett in Legal/Political Columns

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Alan Watson, anarchy, attorneys, chaos, crime, education, evil, freedom, Golden Rule, government, J.R.R. Tolkien, law, legal theory, libertarians, life, Natural Law, Natural Rights, Perrin Lovett, philosophy, political science, politics, UGA

Some years ago I landed in what for me was probably the perfect legal position of employment. I took a job out of law school as a law clerk with a Georgia court. Law clerks review case file, do research and make recommendations to their judges.

My tenure went far beyond the norm. I was afforded the opportunity to wear many hats – each of which fitted me perfectly. I was able to indulge in a great breadth and depth of research with some publication to boot. I was granted the more prestigious title of Staff Attorney. I was also a registered lobbyist, working occasionally in pursuit of projects concerning the judiciary. I even filled in a few times on the bench.

Gravitating naturally towards research and writing and having almost total freedom with my time I began to explore additional opportunities of academic nature. My great interest is in freedom in and out of legal and political systems. I am a theorist. I learned towards some hybrid between legal theory and political philosophy.

The American Bar Association views a J.D. as the equivalent of a PhD for teaching purposes. Most non-law schools hold a different view. I realized I might benefit from another, specialized graduate degree. My choices as I saw them were either a Master of Law or LLM (in law a Master’s degree comes after the doctorate – yes, backwards) or a PhD in poly sci.

My school of choice, based on both reputation and logistics, was the University of Georgia. I had my own strict criteria concerning any entry into these programs.

The only LLM program in the world which interested me was at UGA. It was a directed study of comparative legal theories under the esteemed base master of such philosophy, Dr. Alan Watson. The only PhD I would consider was in political theory or philosophy and, with a concentration in natural law and libertarian/anarchist views.

I demanded, or would have, freedom to explore my own paths. I also included teaching experience as a must have.

My quest never got very far. In short order life dictated I abandon my beloved job and move to a less than desirable locale, practicing less than desirable law. Thus began my professional “downfall.” I ended up, for a brief time, a miserable prosecutor. When I could no longer stand that I entered private practice. Several were my shinning moments but I never regained even a shadow of my former fit and happiness.

Everything happens for a reason. Today, through my writing, I am finally able to pick up where I left off nearly a decade ago. This time, it’s my way on my own by necessity. One, I doubt there is any organized poly sci department in America which would or could house me. That’s fine – times have changed. Today we have YouTube and Udemy. Two, Alan Watson retired and took with him the last vestige of true legal study in the country. Again, I’m on my own. Autodidact or die …

I visited Watson’s office a few times back the. It was my intention to interview him and to be interviewed myself to check compatibility. Per my usual laziness I always showed up unannounced. He was never in. I have never met the man. Perhaps that all was a sign. My little daughter did accompany me on one visit – we had a great time – as such the trip was anything but a waste.

The political science department did receive me for an arranged visit. I toured the facility and we had a good discussion. There was a real chance things might have worked out. Nearly all the faculty members were “liberals” but they seemed to tolerate my extremism rather well. They were open to my ideas of a very loosely structured curriculum and my desire to teach while I worked. They also deemed an attorney in the department a plus. But, as I said, life intervened.

On my afore-mentioned tour I passed many faculty office doors. Many were closed. One was covered in signs and stickers. One of the stickers read: “Anarchy is better than no government at all.” That stuck in my jumbled mind. I think I used it as a title once …

“Anarchy” has various meanings to different people. Of late the term has been used to describe somewhat disruptive protestors of modern socio-economic life. These, to me, appear more like pro-communist or anti-capitalist activists than anything else. Communism is in my mind the polar opposite of anarchy. Then again, I don’t have a monopoly on the word. I suppose this crowd is descended from the mad bomb throwers of yesteryear.

Tolkien, a hero of mine, described his own political philosophy as anarchism. The specifically rejected the bomber disposition; rather, he merely wanted to leave others alone in exchange for equal treatment. This position is as close to my own as any.

Anarchy and “no government” as the door sticker alluded are often used synonymously. However, I don’t think they are one and the same.

Many consider anarchy the equivalent of chaos. To them it is the complete absence of any controls, political or societal, and could only lead to pandemonium. Their views are understandable. For 10,000 years we have been trained to accept some degree of authority outside of ourselves and over us. As society has evolved (or fallen) government and society have also become synonymous. They are not.

One can speak of the American or French or Japanese cultures and traits without the slightest regard for their respective governments. Government did not create the beauty of the natural world. Nor does it bring happiness to small family gatherings. Though they might claim otherwise, politicians had nothing to do with the development of symphony, football, pizza or the quiet enjoyment of an evening cigar.

Anarchy does represent a form of governance. It is one that stems from the natural freedom of association between civilized people. Heavy-handed policies, tactics, and laws are most unnatural. Too many repeat the phrase “government is a necessary evil.” At least they acknowledge the evil but the institution is just that – evil but unnecessary.

Think of anarchy as “Golden Rule” government. Each affords the other respect and vows not to violate the other’s rights and freedoms. Anarchy is freedom. Freedom is happiness.

Yes, not all people are civilized. Criminality is a continuing cost of original sin. Somewhere in time someone postulated the state’s main purpose was to protect the good people from the bad. History shows this premise is a total failure. Governments are typically the worst violators of freedom and dignity. They also have the nasty habits of coercing decent people into supporting and paying for their depravity and of criminalizing private attempts to disrupt real criminal activity.

In the absence of such retarded controls the free would be able to – individually or in concert – using their strength and conscious – shame, disrupt, or terminate undesirable elements.

Other things government is supposed to do, but which it can’t do well and did not invent, are better left to private cooperation. Roads, schools and defense are all possible without state intervention. And they all predate government.

Many a good, libertarian man I know have said to me (almost in desperation) “you have to have some government!” No, I do not. I have reached a point where I am content to manage my own affairs and relations. Perhaps they real mean “they have to have government.” They don’t. It’s the conditioning of 10,000 years at work which convinces them otherwise.

Anarchy isn’t better than no government. It is the best government.

Google.

Note: I realized upon finishing this one that it’s as much about me as my pet philosophy. The two seem intertwined. Funny. I don’t care much for structure and tend to live out a life of personal anarchy. I have to admit that for all the foibles it works out pretty well.

Tolkien on Mass Migration and Terrorism

20 Friday Nov 2015

Posted by perrinlovett in Legal/Political Columns

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America, civilization, communism, crime, Europe, evil, freedom, government, immigration, J.R.R. Tolkien, justice, Middle Earth, Paris, peace, society, terrorism, The Lord of the Rings, The People, The West, War

The Lord of the Rings is, in addition to a great quest epic, the chronicles of the great war of the third age of Middle Earth. As with any such conflict, real or fictional, a large number of people attempted to flee the violence and turmoil, seeking peace in new lands. The story is familiar to those of the 21st Century or any time of tumult.

All of Tolkien’s legendarium is a story of migrations. At the direction of Eru (God) the Valar first moved into Arda, for its shaping and management. The races of Middle Earth- Elves, Men, Dwarves, and Hobbits – continually drifted about in search of territory, happiness and purpose. The Men of Numenor migrated out of Middle Earth in triumph only to migrate back on the wings of the storm. Later the Elves took leave of mortal lands permanently.

During the War various folks were on the move, seeking to distance themselves from the imminent threat of Sauron. In the middle western lands droves of disorganized people headed north from the areas around Rohan and to such peaceful and open places as Bree and the Shire.

Many were residents of Dunland, more a place than a nation. Their plight was similar to the picture painted of those leaving modern Libya and Syria – in or on the borders of war.

As with our mass of refugees Tolkien described these disaffected people as mostly decent, seeking only better lives. Any disruption they caused may have been frowned upon but their situation was most sympathetic.

However, among the refugees were a large number of “ruffians” – men who desired to take what they wanted by force or theft. These would equate to the welfare-seekers and common criminal elements associated with the current third world migrations into Europe and America.

Worse still were the enemy agents who accompanied the refugees. More than mere ruffians their aim was conquest of the new lands – by any means necessary. Being relatively few in number, disorganized, and poorly armed they relied on guile and subversion, taking advantage of the native sympathies and naivety, and on acts of violent terror. They, for the most part, worked for Saruman. They were the ISIS fighters of Tolkien’s world.

*For those only acquainted with Peter Jackson’s movies, most of this history is unknown. Please consult the book.

This still may represent the totality of Jackson’s representation. Google.

Saruman initially sent them north for two purposes. The first was to establish a supply line to feed his military efforts. The second reason was a backup plan, to establish a new petty realm in the event (as actually happened) the wizard’s war effort failed.

These projects were underway even at the beginning of the events of the first book. Frodo and company encountered one or more of these invaders and their corrupted local allies during their turbulent journey through Bree. Back in the Shire the plan had already been unfolding for some time though it was largely unnoticed by the native populace.

Early on the happy little lands of the north were silently guarded by the Rangers, descendants of Numenor. At that time the invaders had to maintain secrecy or be crushed and driven back south. The open invasion commenced as soon as the guardians went away to war. The invasion was made easier by the long secret efforts – incrementalism in societal change. Like the proverbial frog in the slowly heated pot the native Hobbits and men did not notice the changes until it was almost too late. Parisian concert goers might appreciate this concept.

In Bree once the changes did manifest there was trouble. Mr. Butternut described the scene as a real “set to” – a battle. Fortunately, the Bree-landers were victorious and repelled the assault. They then essentially found themselves besieged. “Fortress Bree.” They were also, being a little closer to the war, beset by far worse enemies though they were generally spared harm except for fright.

In the Shire, no sooner had Frodo departed did fundamental reorganization begin. Saruman took advantage of the local greed of some. Not understanding his pawn-like nature Lotho Baggins began to acquire real estate, industries and power. All of this would soon serve the “refugees” purpose.

Step by step the newcomers transformed the land to their liking. By the time the Ring-bearers returned a year later the transformation was complete. A nearly utopian society had become a fascist dictatorship. Terror was the new law.

Any Hobbits who resisted were either murdered, disappeared, or imprisoned. The rest lived under a nightmarish regime of force and theft. Like good communist leaders the invaders devised a system of “gathering” and “sharing.” This simply meant they stole for themselves what the decent people produced. In a flash generosity became captive to larceny.

Once the changes were in place (and the greater war lost) Saruman moved in to rule his new caliphate. His servants lived fat and happy and lazily while the Hobbits suffered miserably. Such was the scene to which the four travelers returned.

Fresh from the war and having witnessed the triumph of good over evil they would not tolerate savagery at home. They immediately – even at the border gate – began an insurrection. In very short order and in a remarkably short period of time they raised the Shire and reversed the calamity. The Scouring of the Shire was the final battle in the War. The population was full of pent-up frustration and only required a spark to spring into action.

The ruffian terrorists were given two choices: leave or die. The Hobbits of the quest, Frodo in particular, had seen how the Men of Rohan and Gondor handled similar interlopers. In Rohan they had been the same breed as those which now plagued the Shire. Down south defensive force was justified and utilized to sort out the terrorists from the refugees. Those who surrendered and pledged good conduct were left alone (though not allowed to live off the host nations). Those who fought for evil were defeated.

So it was that Frodo organized the resistance. He wished to avoid any killing, even of the worst invaders, if at all possible. In the end the terrorists forced conflict. Merry and Pippin lead the brief military campaign and the violent savages were confronted, hunted down and destroyed. Those who finally surrendered were disarmed and booted out of the country with warnings not to return.

Saruman worked his own demise, politically and, in the end, personally. The Shire freed itself through resolute action.

Ours is a situation of similar circumstances if vastly different origins of those of the mythical Shire. Theirs was a simple libertarian society. We are plagued with omnipresent imperial governments given to meddling ruin. Many participate in or support the government’s schemes. I suppose this article will primarily resonate with the modern Hobbits – with libertarians and panarchists. We have a decision to make …

For those of us in the real and modern world the time for resolution has come. Either we must act swiftly and totally or else face a rapid decline into barbarism. News comes hourly of perpetual invasion by the enemies of the West and their plans for unending Paris style destruction. It is now admitted there is next to no way to vet terrorist elements from the regular refugees.

As such, a line must be drawn in order to preserve free Civilization. Until vetting is possible (if ever), those mistreated souls deserve our sympathy but not our homes and blood. The violent must be defeated. Period.

The people are ready for action and restoration. They need only a spark.

Let’s Be Frank

20 Wednesday May 2015

Posted by perrinlovett in Legal/Political Columns, News and Notes, Other Columns

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America, Arda, founding fathers, Frank the Frog, J.R.R. Tolkien, Middle Earth, Numenor, political theory

When last you read I promised a big story by hook or by crook. Well, it has to be by crook. Or, maybe by hook. Not sure. Anyway, all you get for now is a short preview. I’m busy revising, editing and discussing movie rights. Seriously, it is a comparative political piece about Tolkien’s Numenor and America. Here goes:

This essay concerns the rising peace and glory and downfall of Tolkien’s Numenor as compared to the rise and fall of republican America…

…the author is aware the details and history of Numenor are both idyllic and fictional. There are, however, many similarities between that mythical tale and the, albeit romantic, history of the great republic of the United States of America. Much of what we remember of America’s founding and glory is largely fictionalized as well. Thus, this short work is philosophical and perhaps even religious in nature.

…the story of the downfall of Numenor, the ancient island home of the “Men of the West” of Tolkien’s Arda, the Edain/Dunedain, is included at the end of the Silmarillion book but are separate from and independent of the story of the Silmarillion – so says Christopher Tolkien, Silmarillion, Forward…

First I will set up the historical and physical commonalities of the two subject Nations. My good readers are, no doubt, steeped in the history and geography of America. Many are familiar with Tolkien and Middle Earth (at least and insofar as The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings are concerned, thank you, Peter Jackson). Numenor and the allegedly murky (a slanderous allegation) Silmarillion might require additional explanation…

That’s all for now. The real thing is coming soon.

One more thing! Frank the Frog, in anticipation of his possible election bid, will shortly hereafter release his autobiography, Frankly Speaking. Frank will share his insight on foreign policy, dispel rumors about his alleged firefly addiction, discuss growing up tough surrounded by hawks and snakes (perfect prep for politics), and much much more. Get over to Amazon and reserve your first edition copy now.

(It’s as if a little green founding father hoped out of the history book to grace us modern Americans with his wisdom.)

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Travesty

13 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Uncategorized

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Tags

Arda, Fraggle Rock, Gandalf, J.R.R. Tolkien, Middle Earth, Natural Law, Peter Jackson, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings

My parents started reading to me from The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien when I was very young, three or four years old maybe. Daddy was a huge Tolkien fan and possessed most, if not all – and multiple copies of, the then published books. He was able to recall the stories from memory anytime I wanted to know something about Middle Earth. Thus began my lifelong fascination with all things Tolkien. My autodidactic studies have led me back through The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, the rest of the Legendarium of Arda, and the associated works of Professor Tolkien many, many times. As you may know, I have under development my own book about law (and Natural Law) and politics in the Middle Earth. My father was a true genius and renaissance man; in this area alone I may have surpassed his knowledge and skill. Of course, I want to pass along the family tradition.

(If you have never read The Hobbit, go pick up or Kindle a version like this. Source: Google images, fair use call.)

Last fall I was delighted to discover my daughter’s interest in the subject and, so, we (to both our delights) read the story of Bilbo’s great adventure. We are currently muddling slowly through The Fellowship of the Ring. Our slow progress is due to my daughter’s innate questioning and unusually foresight-inspired comments. It seems genius skips a generation…

With great anticipation we awaited the arrival of Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit movie, part one of three. I admit I was somewhat suspicious of why three movies were needed to convey a book less than a third the length of The Lord of the Rings(LOTR). I told myself Jackson obviously was going to entertain great detail and perhaps show behind the scenes activity (the White Council, the assault on Dul Guldur, etc.). Then came some early bad reviews, even from sources I actually respect – authoritative sources such as Vox Day, http://voxday.blogspot.com/. I wrote them off, intent on making my own judgments.

Jackson’s interpretation of LOTR was spectacular if somewhat deviated from the book. I am a Tolkien purist and would have happily sat through three or more twelve-hour movies which depicted the story word for word and scene by scene, exactly as written. I understand and accept this would have likely decreased the profitability of the venture so as to make it unlikely any movie would have ever come forth. Nonetheless, I was happy with Jackson’s production. Changes he made I understood though I was more disappointed with some more than others (no TOM BOMDADIL!, Gandalf’s confrontation with the Witch King high up in Minas Tirith, etc.). Certain I was that The Hobbit would receive similar treatment. I passed my assurances of excellence along to my daughter; we eagerly waited for December 12, 2012.

Much like the Elves of Eregion, we were betrayed. Let us refer to Jackson as Annatar, the giver of goofs. Had this been a new, independent story it would have been entertaining if somewhat hard to follow with characters, scenes, and history coming and going like waves at the beach. The controversial speed of filming did not bother me in the least and I did not notice anyone else in the theater having seizures. It was the brutal butchering of the story that made me sick. But for my daughter’s interest and satisfaction, I would have departed after the first hour or so. Initially, I was pleased with most of the pre-staging. As time wore on I kept telling myself Anna…Jackson would hit his grove any minute. Hours later the lights came on, the credits rolled, and I broke out in a cold sweat and vomited in my empty popcorn bag.

Mercifully, I only had to see the movie once. Let us see what I remember.

The opening. The long, long opening. Okay, I liked the historical education for the most part. Smaug (what we saw of him) along with Dale and the Kingdom Under the Mountain looked pretty cool. But, wasn’t this story related to Bilbo by Thorin and not by Bilbo to Frodo? I understand the need for a link in with the three prior blockbuster$. Anyway, the opening to the opening took forever. Then Bilbo finally daydreamed about his journey. I thought we were alright at that point. They even got the Belladonna Took/buttons-at-door quote right. It seemed all (slowly, painfully) downhill from there.

(Honestly, this Bilbo was just as convincing and much more faithful to the book. Source: Google images, fair use call.)

The arrival of Thorin and Co. just didn’t sit well with me. Thorin was supposed to be an aging Dwarf wearing a blue hood with a tassel. The dwarf at the door (and throughout the whole movie) was more like the second coming of Aragorn. Tolkien allotted heroes by degree and purpose. That was one of the central, underlying themes of the Hobbit and the LOTR. Small, dull hobbits were chosen over mighty elves and men to undertake the greatest quest of the third age; their seeming unimportance was their great strength. I digress.

This Thorin was entirely to young and macho for his personage. Sure, Tolkien’s dwarves are a stout people but they never liked to take such command roles as displayed in the film. And, these dwarves didn’t look like the dwarves from the LOTR movies. Gimli looked like a dwarf, this crowd looked like short, crude men who wanted some semblance of elegance. I think Bombur was the most convincing of the troupe.

I was also bothered by the mis-introduction of Tranduil at the beginning. He never had time to mount a rescue when Smaug came and, even if he did, who could fault him for calling it off when the day was already lost. Of course, we could ask what Thorin was doing inside the mountain during the attack. We could also ask for our ticket money back. As Sec. Clinton recently scoffed, “What difference does it make?”

The opening dragged on and on. I was fearful Bilbo would actually read that contract from end to end and even, perhaps, consult someone at Grubb, Grubb, and Burrowes for advice. The little circus finally departed the Shire and entered lands that bore an odd resemblance to Rohan. Then, apparently having overcome his death at the hands of Dain Ironfoot, came Azog the orc looking for vengeance.

As if that wasn’t enough of a shock we soon got to meet Rastagast, the ridiculous Brown hippy, darting hither and yon on his rabbit-drawn sleigh. For someone who was only mentioned by name very briefly in the book, old bird-poop, nest head got a lot of air time in this telling. Funny, he was in the original LOTR, but like Bombadil, got the shaft during the movies. More importantly, he did not discover the identity of the Necromancer; that was Gandalf’s business! And, contrary to this movie, it had been discovered for some time.

That leads us into the hidden valley of Rivendell, reached it seems by falling through a sinkhole. All was well again when the great swords of Gondolin were named and Thorin’s map read by Elrond. The conference of the White Council was appropriate too, or so I thought. If you’re going to devote so much time to so short a story, why not show some speculative behind-the-scenes action which inevitably had to happen somewhere at sometime anyway. But, like almost everything else in this film, this imaginary scene was stood on its head. At this point in the story the WC would have been putting the finishing touches on their plan of attack, not debating what was already known and decided years before. Did Galadriel have a crush on Gandalf?? He was her favorite Istari, I know, but she was a happily married Elvish Queen and he a great though veiled power. Alliance yes, flirting – who knows…

The passage up into the Misty Mountains was good, as far as it goes. I thought the Stone Giants were a bit over the top. They were a dire threat it seems, but not an amusement park ride. Also, I distinctly remember the crack opening in the back wall of the cave, not the floor. Small potatoes, sure.

What occurred inside the mountains, though, was a giant, rotten, slimy potato of a fiasco. First of all, Goblinland was supposed to be all tunnels and caverns. Instead, these bubblegum-imp looking critters lived on a vast complex of rope bridges and bamboo platforms any child from the East Farthing could have constructed. True to his given inconsistency, Jackson’s goblins here bore no resemblance whatsoever to their cousins a few doors down in Moria. The LOTR Moria goblins looked right – fierce and evil. The “Great” Goblin’s brood looked like rejects from Fraggle Rock. They were as comical as they were unconvincing. The Great Goblin!! He was supposed to be the fiercest and most menacing of all. Instead he looked like one of those 500 pound slobs on a medicare scooter one might encounter at a Wal-Mart in south Alabama. I’m extra glad Gandalf killed him.

At least Bilbo managed to find the ring. His detour into Gollum’s lair was out of sequence but it worked well enough. By this time i would have accepted the Tooth Fairy appearing to gift him the ring. Moving on…

Once outside the company was immediately set upon anew by zombie Azog and his host of wargs. These wargs looked more like wolves than the latter-day Jackson wargs from LOTR (I thought those were giant hyenas). But wait, in the book it wasn’t wargs at all, it was supposed to be actual wolves. And, where were the angry Fraggles to sing “Fifteen Birds in Five Fir Trees?” It really didn’t matter as Jackson cut the number of trees down to three and then like dominos cut them down to one – over a cliff. Clear glades don’t have cliffs. Arrrgh!!! I was happy to see the eagles save the day. It could just as easily have been Radagast in a make-shift, squirrel-powered helicopter.

Wargs, Goblins, and Azog. Oh, my! Each of these mistakes demonstrate yet another disappointment with this sad affair. There was too much reliance on computer-generated animation or CG. CG should be reserved for big things like Smaug or the Witch King’s flying steed. And then, it should be as realistic as possible. Jackson’s Hobbit, like the last Star Wars episode looked like a cartoon to me. Rankin/Bass Productions already made a cartoon Hobbit in the 70’s – see the above picture of cartoon Bilbo.

After the amazing success of the LOTR films I was devastated by this interpretation. A great childhood book has been reduced to a pile of rubb… Wait! We still have two more movies to go. Maybe Jackson will take some criticism to heart and salvage what’s left of the story. Then again, maybe we should look forward to seeing the U.S.S. Enterprise swoop down from space and kill Smaug with a photon torpedo. Why not?

I give this show Two Rings of Power (out of a possible nine – hey, I’m a mortal man). Yes, I will view the next two installments if for no other reason than morbid curiosity. I look forward to the day when some director decides to make a real live-action movie version of The Hobbit. That may take some time. Old Toby, anyone?