An Ode to the Most Holy, Revered, August, and Eternal


of The United States Empire


***That which immediately follows is sung to the tune of “Old 100th / Praise God”***

Praise Constitution to which all taxes flow.

Praise It all ye serfs down below.

Praise It as ye lose the most.

Praise Fiat Usury and Lincoln’s Ghost!


*Deepest, most sincere apologies to Louis Bourgeois and Ken Thomas for gross doxological, melodious appropriation. 

It did not come from God Almighty, the US Constitution, that is. Old 100th certainly did. But, much has been made of the Constitution, here and lately. Our esteemed editor, MB, ran a post with the text of the original version with the Bill of Rights attached. Yes, his dedicated page does contain the whole thing, complete with the other seventeen Amendments. Regardless of which version one goes with, there are some rather inconvenient facts, a few of which I will address shortly.

For this is my take on the Old Parchment. Heck, my TPC byline says I’m “into … the Constitution.” And, I am. In keeping therewith, let’s examine that document about which so much fuss is made, generally at times convenient and generally without much understanding or reflection. First, as you may have gathered, I mockingly refer to it by such nicknames as “The Cornsternation” and “The Old Parchment.” “Cornsternation,” of course, naturally proceeds from the combining of “corn” and “consternation.” The former part is nonsensical; the latter is self-explanatory. And, it is old and it’s written on some form of parchment. Second, at least I’ve seen the thing, the original straight from Madison’s quill! It resides in a museum in Washington, DC. Here it is:


Oops. Sorry, that’s a different dinosaur from across the Mall at the Smithsonian. Here it is:


Reposed in its armored sarcophagus in the rotunda of the National Archives; it’s the faded yellow thing that the wizard is pointing at while he’s lying.