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About the Schools and Who Ruined Them

01 Friday May 2020

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Mission to Destroy Western Civilization Rebrands Under COVID-19:

Understanding the Satanic Schooling Movement

 

Well, well, another week and more national affairs. Hang up the spacesuit, adjust your Halloween mask, grab a refreshing glass of Clorox, and let’s once again discuss the state of the schools. 

Last week we examined the ongoing collapse and gave thought to the future. This week is much the same, except we begin with a word or three from the loyal opposition. My title today is a rewording of Mission to Destroy Public Education Rebrands Under COVID-19: Understanding the Christian Homeschooling Movement, by one Chrissy Stroop. “Chrissy” looks a whole lot like “she” may have started out as a Christopher and is, uh, transitioning. It has a Ph.D. in Russian history – lemme guess, a big fan of Trotsky?? – and doesn’t seem to think well of Christians or Christ or anyone slightly to the right of old Leon. My guess is that it hates God because it blames God for its illness. So, it has resorted to “logic and science,” except, of course, for the logical science of sexual biology, transcranial magnetic therapy, or lithium bio-chemistry. 

However, this hateful, projecting, and deeply mentally-ill man did give me an idea. Its repetitive and derisive language about the “Christian Right” – and that is what my side is, thanks – made me realize what the other side is. Meet the Satanic Left. That’s really all there is to Xir Stroop’s article. I can’t criticize him, uh her, or … whatever, directly. But, in general, that faction’s biggest gripe about the current shutdown is the lack of direct access to the kiddies, whom they view by-and-large as targets and snacks. Sadly, they’ve had to resort to sneaking around the public parks (where opened) for their thrills. Yeah…

You were warned about the “Satanic Left,” in the schools, before:

Towards the end of class, a boy asked Tom a simple and direct question: ‘Why are our schools so bad?’ …

He looked the boy in the eye and without hesitation said, ‘Because they’re run by feminists, queers, and communists.’ … Later, he almost kicked himself: ‘“Feminists, queers, and globalists” would have been more accurate. Or, just “satanists…”’ He let it go.

–THE SUBSTITUTE, Ch. 11

Homeschoolers and Christians did not ruin the government’s (that’s who runs them, Xir Stroop) schools. The government and the Satanists did. And, holy hell, they did a fine job of it. They’ve destroyed themselves, Stroopy. Just in time for this article, I have new (and NOT improved) statistics!!! The “Nation’s Report Card” for Civics, Geography, and History is now out, courtesy of the National Center for Education Statistics 2018 NEAP Report. 

First, the good news: these people are consistent if nothing else. The national scores in the various social studies mirror those results in reading, math, and science. And there is nothing else – except total and complete failure. Thanks to the efforts of the Satanic Left, only 15% of Eighth-graders are proficient in history – with similarly dismal results in the other subjects. And, that’s based on their weak standards and even weaker instruction. 

Embedded deep somewhere in those findings, one will come across graphs showing the “progress” from 1994 until 2018. This is the modern period of all the fads like No Child, Common Core, STEM, STEAM, and the Rainbow Delusion. Trillions of dollars spent and millions of souls crushed and what’s the result? Nothing. Fifteen percent proficiency. Failure. 

They take the big measurements in the Fourth, Eighth, and Twelfth grades. I’ve noted before that, in most subjects, there is a drop in proficiency as the child advances towards graduation – as if the schooling itself increases ignorance. That’s most subjects; in the other subjects, there is virtually no change over an entire generational period. Fifteen percent understanding with a ninety percent graduation rate. God can’t do any better?

Again, it’s not the money. Two years ago, I compared Mexican school literacy rates (94%) to those in the Detroit government schools (7%) (SEVEN % !!!) (and that beat Detroit’s math rate of 5%…). I ran the math on spending Detroit’s way to success:

Working, toying with the myth that increased funding raises test scores (and, presumably, learning retention), to get Detroit up to Mexican levels of literacy, they would need to spend about $189,000 per student per year. Over 13 years, K – 12, that’s $2,457,000 – without compounding any interest. It might be, if it was affordable, better to just set that sum aside for each “student” in an idiot trust.

They can’t read, write, add, or think. It’s no surprise that the poor victim children know little of history. They’re never taught nor encouraged to learn on their own. Here’s publik skool herstory in a nutshell: The Big Bang gave us the miracle of Evolution, leading fish to walk on land and the Egyptians to build the Pyramids, which may or may not have flown. After the Holocaust, everybody died because of AIDS, uh climate change … no, because of Corona. God is dead. Long live the rainbow!

That won’t cut it. Of the NEAP failure, US Secretary of Education (not in your beloved Constitution), Betsy DeVos, said, “We cannot continue to excuse this problem away. Instead, we need to fundamentally rethink education in America.” People, including DeVos, who cannot think, cannot “rethink.” NEAP’s own Peggy Carr said something very stupid about “democracy.” I think Mr. Ironsides was on to a few things…

Back to the here and now, read THIS STORY. As things are, many parents around the nation-shaped kind of place are having a rough go of homeschooling. If only they had more faith in Trotsky and less in God… Said a frustrated mother, Alexandra Nicholson of Massachusetts: “We tried to make it work the first week. We put together a schedule, and what we found is that forcing a child who is that young into a fake teaching situation is really, really hard.” Yes! Yes, that’s the problem, babydoll! Forcing a child into a fake teaching situation is more than just hard, it’s sinful. And, it’s what the “schools” normally do every day of the year. And, Mrs. Nicholson, it would be much better to just let your son play outside. This predicament is possibly the result of poorly educated Gen-X and Millennial parents forced into attempting that which they were never prepared for – the blind leading…

Seventy-two percent of parents say they are concerned that their children will fall behind – because of what the virus did… How can you fall behind 15% or 7% proficiency?! Again, this is a great chance and hope for change. That’s what has the Stroops of the world so frightened. We can obviously do better. Much better. But, it will take a little work on the part of the parents and the children (and, again, with any of the good teachers who will help). It will require us to scrap forever those systems and “experts” who intentionally created this mess. It can be done. This may be the greatest contribution of the Corona Hoax.

Another benefit may be the departure from the modern college racket. Why only skip this fall’s semester or the 2020-21 year? Why ever go into the pound of flesh slavery for four to six years of drugs, weight gain, and incoherent Marxist social engineering and very little else? Today, in the current year, a college education is a severe waste – and worse – for all but a small handful of individuals, at a few select colleges, who major in a few select fields. For the majority, it’s only higher debt, without higher (or lower) education. It ain’t worth it! There are many better alternatives. 

One of them may be the brand new Harmel Academy, as recommended by a commentator at Vox Day’s superior blog. Harmel is a two-year trade school, on the campus of a Christian college (sorry, Xir Stroop) in Michigan. It incorporates a traditional humanities curriculum into a program that forges future electricians, welders, machinists, and computer techs. The price? $18,550 a year for everything – tuition and board. That’s the cost of a semester’s tuition alone at many of the indoctrination centers. A Harmel student should emerge better educated than most Big State or even (Poison) Ivy League victims. And, he’ll be ready to start working in fields which sometimes pay at or near six-figures in the entry levels. 

A plausible scenario: “Joe” goes to Harmel and becomes a well-rounded plumber around the time his peers are stumbling into the second or third year of Big Debt U. He starts making $80,000 a year doing a respectable job that is always in high demand. He can afford to marry “Suzie” and allow her to stay home and raise their children. More than 2.3 children. The 5 or 6 children of Joe and Suzie grow up happy, well-adjusted, debt-free, and steeped in classical Christian education. They move on and repeat the cycle. Something resembling an older America starts to take shape. Western Civilization lives! God wins! Satan, ever the loser, loses.

AS SUBMITTED TO THE PIEDMONT CHRONICLES

Harvard Down?

28 Tuesday Apr 2020

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What will they do???

Harvard University announced Monday that, given the uncertainty caused by the coronavirus pandemic, it is leaving the door open for a fall semester without students on campus.

“We cannot be certain that it will be safe to resume all usual activities” by autumn, university provost Alan Garber wrote in a note to the school Monday. “Consequently, we will need to prepare for a scenario in which much or all learning will be conducted remotely.”

The usual activities including giving the world SJWs, Napalm, the Bat Bomb, and Larry Summers. Perhaps it would be better to just close it down permanently.

More on this trend, this week, at TPC!

School Distancing – From TPC

22 Wednesday Apr 2020

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The Coronavirus Hysteria May Be The Best Thing That Ever Happened To The Schools

Hello, beloved readers! Kindly join me for an updated exploration of one of my favorite pet subjects, the terminal decline of America’s government schools. Before we get too deep, as the title suggests, I think the current and ongoing closure of the public schools because of the Chinese chest cold and ensuing mass hysteria may be one of if not the best thing that has happened to these institutions since their inception and near-instantaneous corruption. Mind you, this one is a little long and a little link-heavy. But, it’s one of my most important articles yet. If you value your children, your grandchildren, and the future of society, then the following is of great importance. Besides, under house arrest, you likely have all the time in the world.

We Have A Problem

Now, pick a measure – any measure. If it’s a positive, as in laudatory of excellence, then the US ranks far outside the international elite. If it’s negative – school shootings, wasted money, bullying, teen pregnancy, suicides, etc. – then the US is probably the number one country. Within the states, there is a wide variance between performance levels. Worldwide, there are myriad ranking systems. The US is far off the mark in all of the serious assessments. For my purposes, I picked one:

The Center On International Educational Benchmarking (CIEB) at the National Center On Education And The Economy has posted its Top Performing Countries list for 2018. The top countries are Canada, China, Estonia, Finland, Hong Kong, Japan, Poland, Singapore, South Korea, and Taiwan. Notice anyone missing? There are many good (or very bad) reasons for the absence. According to the CIEB, the US ranks just outside the leaders in reading, and just above the world average. The findings regarding science are similar. However, in mathematics, the US ranks well below the international average and ridiculously below the number one nation, China. This dismal performance comes in spite of the US’s massive expenditure per pupil, per year. For 2015, according to the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES), the US was second ($12,800) in spending only to Norway ($15,100). Norway also failed to make CIEB’s top ten. For reference: China spends approximately $2,400 per child per year (based on 2017 Chinese junior high expenditure and a 2020 Yuan to Dollar conversion). 

Contrary to what the idiot politicians and the make-work educrats say, it is not the money that holds back American children. It is the very (hellish) school system itself. It has been, for over a century, specifically designed to produce failure. Adding more money to the US school budget, in an attempt to boost performance, is akin to the old adage about extinguishing a fire with gasoline. All of this, I have written about extensively, before. My second CFF column was education-related. See, also: HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE. That’s in addition to over 250 articles and posts, 8% of the total volume, at my blog. I even set up an education resources page, which has only been viewed about a dozen times. And I also wrote a novel (which you should buy) about these matters. And, here we go yet again.

…

MORE AT TPC (2,424 more words)

It Was Bound To Happen Again – FromTPC

15 Wednesday Apr 2020

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FROM TPC:

It Was Bound To Happen (Again)

Hey! Did ya hear about the dead guy they pulled out of the harbor? He’d been shot twenty-seven times, hanged, burned, and dragged behind a car before being encased in concrete and tossed in the water. Dr. Fauci said it was the worst case of Corona he’s seen yet…

Ah! It was Sunday morning. Easter Sunday and Tournament Sunday! I woke up happy. Outside the window, the sun was shining and all the little birds and lizards were carrying on as if nothing was amiss. Therefore, I discounted as a bad dream what I thought had befallen me on Saturday. 

In my dream, wanting to do a little writing amidst a different setting, I had driven to the local Starbucks. But, it was closed. So, I went to the public library, only to find it also closed. Next, I ventured over to the old cigar shop. It too was closed. I tried the bar. Closed. The other bar. Closed. The gym. Closed. Bookstore. Closed. As I drove around, I noticed that just about every single business was shuttered. There were few souls about. Disheartened as I wondered how any of these essential businesses could possibly survive, I wanted some comfort food. The grocery store was open! But, at the front door, standing beside a roped-off queue, was a manager in a hazmat suit. When I approached, he yelled something about “one more!” into a walkie-talkie. Peering inside, I saw a host of sullen, frightened, mask-wearing zombies shuffling around like cattle while trying to follow arrows taped to the floor. The intercom screeched about “saaaaaaaafety.” I left.

But, it was all a dream, I thought. So, I ate breakfast and headed over to Saint Mary’s for Easter Mass. However, I found the front (and side) doors locked. Posted conspicuously was a sign which informed me that no services would be held “for the duration.” It instructed that none were permitted inside and that I was to “seek shelter immediately,” although I was free to drop a monetary offering through the mail slot. The sign also encouraged me to join, via the fake reality of television, “pope” Bergoglio for a fake mass complete with fake communion. 

Desiring something real, something orthodox, I drove down the street to Saint Ignatius Melkite Church. The real deal, I thought! Their door was unlocked, but when I tried to enter, I was met by a Deacon wearing a gas mask. He bore me backward with a Lexan police shield and ordered me off: “Join us on Facebook!” he invited – if one could call it that. I heard the door lock from inside as I staggered sideways toward the street.

Sensing that something was definitely wrong, I decided to try one of the churches in protest. Alas, each – Methodist, Baptist, Lutheran, Episcopal, even the rock ‘n roll warehouse joint – were closed down. A few allegedly offered something online. All, it seemed, were still willing to accept cash in-person – the cash, but not the person. I’d heard that in other states, they were arresting and hunting Christians (well, the few they could find anymore) so I assumed this absence was defensive if overly reactionary. But downtown, I finally found a working preacher, or what I mistook for one. It turned out he was just a crazy homeless character, ranting away on a corner. His “sermon” centered around little green men trying to take his bottle. He, too, was accepting of fiscal donation.

I took matters into my own hands and simply said a prayer. As if in answer, the notion came immediately to my brain that I could head to the National and get a better parking space. I knew that I couldn’t purchase a beer until after noontime, but I figured I could watch practice chips and wander through the gift shop while I waited. So, off I went, excitedly wondering if Tiger could pull it off again.

It was eerie. The only traffic I passed, coming off the Calhoun Expressway onto Washington Road, was a tumbleweed. I indeed found the very best parking space, the one immediately adjacent to the main patron gate. It was me and me alone in the vast, grassy parking lot under the pines. And, like the churches, the gate was closed and locked. I was reading a sign that said something about “try us in November, if any of us survive,” when a loud, tinny voice spoke from behind at a distance. It was a Sheriff’s deputy barking disjointedly into his car’s loudspeaker. He said something about “shelter in place” or, it might have been “save yourself,” and then he departed at a high rate of speed as if the virus itself was after him. 

Bewildered, I went home. After lunch, I decided to put out a few signs of my own. With colorful chalk, uh, donated by the kids next door, I set about leaving inspirational messages on the sidewalk for my fellows. I wrote, “It’s A Hoax!” I was in the process of scribbling out, “COVID is Chinese for Big Lie,” when it started raining. All my work was washed away.

Anthony Fauci is the Chicken Little of epidemiology though I think he actually believes some of his own hysteria. Well, really, he’s a chicken little with the guns of a police state behind him. But anyway, he does bring to mind Mencken’s warning: “The urge to save humanity is almost always only a false-face for the urge to rule it.” You’ve probably thought this through, already, and if so, you’re right. The odds that the government which hasn’t told the truth about anything in 150 years is finally telling the truth about a cold bug are somewhere between zero and absolute zero. They literally label homicide victims, terminal cancer cases, suicides, and heart attacks as Corona “related” deaths. And they still can’t get the numbers high enough. Meanwhile, the Monopoly money flows and the economy burns.

Yet and still, for whatever reason, the masses have fallen for the predictable lunacy once again. The elites aren’t just covering for the monetary mess they made; they’re angling for total control of the population. Two hundred years ago, the population would have, by now, strung them all from lampposts. Today, the people play along, even getting ahead of the “leaders” in a mad rush to impose solitary confinement on themselves and to sacrifice any remaining vestiges of liberty. 

Mencken, again: “The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.” The man said, “Boo!” so get to clamoring, cattle. As Jerome Adams might say, “do it fo yo pop-pop!” The alert is extreme

Patrick Henry said something about forgetting God and forging chains. Sam Adams hoped the chains would set lightly upon the would-be slaves. I’d just as soon see the chains used as whips to drive our “elites” far, far away. (I’ll likely sooner see the green man who stole Preacher’s bottle). So, this is what a late-stage Empire in terminal decline looks like during its very last days. Cool! I’ll have national affairs to write about forever, or until such time as I make like the yinshi. 

What’s next? Let’s see… I think I’m first going with the laughable closure of the failed government schools. There’s a lot going on, theoretically, though very little, educationally. There’s the new normal and all the fun it brings. And, will it be Venezuela, Iran, Russia, China, some other innocent target, or a combination thereof? Time will tell and you’ll read it here.

Economic Imitates Fiction

15 Wednesday Apr 2020

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Not that long ago, just as the Corona Hoax and concurrent Economic Collapse were getting underway, I ran a lengthy analysis of the same, at TPC, using fictional voices to make real points and predictions. It’s interesting, and alarming to see nearly all of Todd’s (and Tom’s) calls coming true. Just a few (more) that I saw today alone:

WE HAVE NO MONEY ANYMORE!

Universal Basic Income

The System Is Rigged

Not sure if I directly relayed the following, though I’ve mentioned it here and at FP for years: They Want To Steal Your Cash!

Another example(s) of reading it from me with humor, today, or get it weeks, months, or years later from the drab MSM. (Read it here!)

PS: A new TPC column should be along later today!

The Very Strangest Thing Happened … at TPC

12 Sunday Apr 2020

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Imagine this: you “create” a fictional character, writing about him sometimes. Then, the next thing you know, he’s writing on his own:

From TPC, Sunday, April 12, 2020:

12 April 2020

A Letter to the Editor by Tom Ironsides: Celebrate Life & Hug Your Children

Dear Mr. McCart:
Greetings. I do not think we have ever met, such are my strange interactions with the “real” world. I was asked to write something for you publication by our mutual friend, Perrin Lovett, whom I have cc’d if for no other reason than to stem his incessant pestering. It is my understanding that he is working on another of his usual columns for next week (and, for that, I am blameless). The attached submission (DOC and PDF) is not what I gather he was interested in. However, as noted in the letter, it kind of sprang into my heart more than my mind. While it is admittedly a little out of my character as some know it, I hope it is sufficiently interesting. If so, then I concluded it with a brief bio, lifted from my college faculty page (my apologies, but the picture would not transfer). The title, while provided by me, is ultimately your call. I ask only that my email address or other direct contact information NOT be included with the letter.
As an aside, Mrs. Tuggle’s weekly work is always interesting and delightful. Please pass that message along to her. The rest is certainly … something. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Tom Ironsides
PS: Go Cavs!

###

Celebrate Life And Hug Your Children

Dr. Thomas H. Ironsides, II

 

Dear Mr. McCart and Friends:

My acquaintance and your colleague, Mr. Lovett, asked or begged me to write something regarding late events, both biological and geo-political. Some of my experience and opinion I understand he has recently relayed, and more of which I believe he is currently imagining. Personally, I have just about had it with my house arrest, which to my great credit, I have been breaking on a regular basis. No apologies to Sheriff Hagaman. So, of that, I have little more to say or to think. Instead, as I was instructed to write “from the heart,” I will tell you a story. It’s a little late in coming back to my mind, however, it is perfectly fitting for this Easter Season.

On the afternoon of Friday, February the 14th, I was entertaining myself in the quaint downtown of my adopted Blowing Rock. Happening upon the wonderful Art and History Museum, and having never ventured therein, I decided to peruse the galleries. Immediately, I stumbled upon what I at first took for a community party. Soon, I realized it was a public wake for a local dignitary. Someone informed me that it was not, in fact, a funeral; rather, it was a celebration. And so, I would like to share some of that experience and brave spirit with you.

The woman of the hour, of the day, was a little girl. Her name was Bexley Svana Moffat and she was only a few months into the ripe young age of two years when she unexpectedly succumbed to leukemia. Please read her unusual and heartening obituary, as linked, courtesy of the Austin and Barnes Funeral Home: 

https://austinandbarnesfuneralhome.com/tribute/details/2230/Bexley-Moffatt/obituary.html#tribute-start

According to Saint Jude Children’s Research Hospital, approximately American 3,000 children are diagnosed with leukemia every year. Around ninety percent enter into remission and are effectively cured within ten years of the onset of aggressive treatment. Why is the minority taken by this accursed disease? Most can imagine the horror of losing a precious baby. Some of us, unfortunately, know the shock and lasting pain, first-hand. In dread times such as these, we do well to remember our temporal existence in and on the physical Earth. As hard as it is to fathom, sometimes the little ones are more needed elsewhere. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14. 

Well, from the very little I know, and as you may readily gather from that infectious photograph, it is a much brighter day in Heaven. That face and especially those big, blue eyes say, “Hello! I’m sweet though a bundle of fun trouble!” The parting message left for us first-person by Bexley, notes that among the things she loved the most were her mommy and daddy, her grandparents, and her puppies. You just know each was the world among the others. 

It’s fascinating, to me, that I write about this brief encounter, particularly as I consider its context in my life. Why am I still here? For decades, I walked hand-in-hand, as a partner, with death. My own demise could have easily found me a hundred times over and yet it did not. I surmise the Almighty must require bubbly sweethearts more urgently than gruff, stubborn jarheads. (Who could blame Him?) And I could have told you a similar story about Gloria, but after thirty years, my words still fail me. I trust Bexley understands both my ponderings and my discourse.

This adorable little stranger-friend whom I never knew has given me the strength and the joy to look upon otherwise unspeakable tragedy as the celebration of the eternal. For this Miracle, I might deem her Saint Bexley (though I think she is not one for formal pretense).

I leave you with the following thoughts: our days, currently, have about them a bleak disposition. Some of us are sick. Some are scared. Some are unemployed. We lack a certain direction or purpose. Yet, it is all but temporary tribulation. Just as the Mightiest Son rose for us, so the smallest daughter helps us to raise our darkened spirits. So, right now, go on and hug your children – of any age. Leave a social distance between you that you couldn’t slip a piece of paper through. 

Thank you and may God bless you,

Tom Ironsides

[dthi/fac.jpg] Dr. Thomas H. Ironsides, II (Ph.D., Harvard) is Professor of Classics at Saint Thomas of Aquino College. When not teaching Roman philosophy and culture, he is also President of the American Classical Education (ACE) Center. He previously retired as a Paramilitary Operations Officer and Acting Deputy Director of the Special Activities Division, National Clandestine Service, United States Central Intelligence Agency and as a Colonel with the United States Marine Corps. Given his experiences, he is adamantly opposed to gratuitous warfare and attendant international usury. Currently, with an aching back and sore thumbs, he attempts to build by hand a small cabin.

 

Fake News of the Future – from TPC

07 Tuesday Apr 2020

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Headlines From The Future

 

Meet “Sarcasto,” The Galactic Herald, Page A1, April 10, 7020 AD

On a cool autumn afternoon in 6995, two ditch-diggers happened upon what they thought was a large rock. The rock turned out to be a massive door composed of steel, tungsten, and ceramic materials. When, with moderate difficulty, explorers opened the door, they made the archeological discovery of the millennia. Inside a bunker-like cave, hunched over a primitive word processing machine, were the semi-frozen remains of the shabbily-attired man who lived and died at the beginning of the last ice age. Today, after two decades of study, he has a name: Sarcasto.

Sarcasto lived in the disputed area of Eastern Georgiflorilina, a slave province of the ancient Obese States of Israel. He stood 7.754 telemaros high and weighed nearly 4,000 mixidepils. It appears he lived on an exclusive diet of coffee and tobacco. Despite being found alone, signs of premature aging suggest he was at some point married. Sarcasto’s body is the best-preserved cadaver of the Lostfaithicene Period. His manifest higher intelligence, normal BMI, and lack of tattoos suggest he was probably an outcast. He was likely a dissident hermit, a failed novelist who subsisted by foraging for twigs. 

The numerous cigars found all around Sarcasto had caused a major stir, demonstrating conclusively that mankind possessed advanced leaf technology and rolling skills thousands of years earlier than previously thought. Doctor Cubano Esteli said, ‘It’s the equivalent of opening the casket of an old man and discovering therein a cigar!’ Most exciting of all, researchers have at last decoded the cryptic etching Sarcasto left on an aluminum plate. The Galactic Herald herein produces Sarcasto’s final words, verbatim (with one explanatory annotation):

*****

To Whomever In The Distant Future Finds This Plate:

Greetings! I am Perrin Lovett [What Sarcasto meant by “Perrin Lovett” is unclear. These words, possibly an imprimatur, have never been successfully deciphered though they appear at the beginning of all recorded accounts of the great leader, Thomas Ironsides, a blessing be upon him. It is possible that Sarcasto was a follower of the Prophet or even a relative. We may never understand this mystery.] and I may be the last survivor of the Coronavirus Hoax of 2020. It wasn’t the flu bug that did us in.

Every winter season, millions of people, in my dead nation and around the world, were afflicted by numerous bacterial and viral infections. Tens of thousands died every year. This was nothing new. The COVID-19 was merely a cold virus with a slight ACE2 gene expresser suppression or latching mutation. It was easily defeated by Vitamins C and D, UV radiation from sunlight, Chloroquine, and Albuterol – that is, if any medical care was required at all. Some ninety percent of “victims” were asymptomatic and never even knew that they had the disease. The great majority for those who did show symptoms readily recovered at home without issue. Aside from initial greater-than-average affliction among East Asian males, global fatalities were only common in three predominant groups: 1) those elderly persons in poor health; 2) fat people with pre-existing disorders, and: 3) coprophagic sodomites with naturally compromised immune systems. While the late-stage United States Empire swarmed with all three demographic cohorts, the death rate was still relatively low.

In early April of 2020, there were approximately 300,000 diagnosed cases of (or with…) COVID-19; around 7,500 of these cases resulted in death (95-97% of the deaths within the three primary demographics, particularly among the old and infirm). At the same time, there were some 330,000,000 people within the porous borders of the Empire. The math:

Death rate among the known infected: 7,500 / 300,000 = 0.025 or 2.5%.

Death rate among the greater general population: 7,500 / 330,000,000 = 0.000227 or .00227%.

The people had elected as their leader a lesser evil known as Orange Man. Orange Man’s unconfirmed Twitter scare-tactic death rate among the greater population: 240,000 / 330,000,000 = 0.00073 of .073%.

Orange Man’s henchmen’s utterly idiotic worse-case scenario death rate among the greater population: 2,200,000 / 330,000,000 = 0.0067 or .67%.

For further reference and scale: every year during the early 21st Century, around 600,000 Americans died from preventable obesity-related illnesses. This was thought (if we can call it that) to be the low price of fast food and cheap sodas. Anyone attempting to raise an alarm about this phenomenon was labeled a body-shamer. Every year, during the preceding four and a half decades, around 1,000,000 tiny children were brutally murdered in America for reasons purely selfish and satanic. Those who objected to this genocide were deemed Nazis, woman-haters, or opponents of moloch.

Back to the Corona hoax pandemic, the rate of death, mostly among people who were already dying or who would soon die of something else was 2.5%. The “sum of all fears” potential death rate, which never materialized, was less than 1%. However, math and critical thinking being lost arts among the wicked, 93-IQ, television-loving populace, the concurrent hysteria was large and terminal.

From the very outset, I declared the pandemic a hoax. When all of modern life became an endless series of pitiful hoaxes, they were each in their order rather easy to identify. It was also a cover for the pre-existing collapse of the monetary and financial economies. Worse, the government used the hoax as an excuse to virtually imprison the newly unemployed, if uninfected, masses within their own homes. All domestic life immediately and inexplicably ground to a halt. And the people loved it. This collapse in civilized morals and intelligence caused me to retreat into my doomsday shelter. 

Before sealing myself in, on April 3, 2020, I made one final venture among the people. At a place called Walmart (originally a discount retailer, then having become a holding pen for retarded, gelatinous five-hundred-pound women who waddled about while screaming into electronic communications devices), I learned that many of these doomed creatures were reduced to eating toilet paper and that, driven by feminists, Walmart had ceased selling ammunition. 

Worst of all was the gleeful way in which putative Christians quickly abandoned the churches and the way the churches sealed their doors to the Christians. At once, Marx’s abolition of “illusory happiness” was accomplished. If they could be bothered, the people, even the allegedly faithful, cheered. Yet, they found not nor demanded their “real happiness.” Rather, they lived and starved in perpetual fear behind silly masks, closed doors, and unemployment checks. Orange Man spoke on television for six hours each day.

I had long closed myself off from the insane world before the heavy bombing started. Well, I assume there was war; there always is. The rumbling I heard above might have come from a passing Walmart herd, but I doubt it. In the end, the majority who were not blasted by high explosives must have succumbed to malnutrition and real pandemics. You know this outcome better than I.

In parting, I can only advise you of a few things. Keep the faith in God, not in men and their institutions. Take care of the young. Maybe consider cutting back on the technology as it has a way of dehumanizing us. Do not under any circumstances avail yourself of usury. Dispense with the evil of warfare. Democracy is the worst tyranny. Stop the hoaxes.

Your ancient friend,

-P

PS: Please do not assume me to be a crackpot hermit. I once wrote for the most highly-respected online newspaper in the Georgia Piedmont region!

*****

Editor’s final note: the preceding were the thoughts of an ancient crackpot and hermit. The primitive mind was given to obvious mental hallucinations.

In This Morning’s Herald:

CULTURE: Pastor Says Babies Inconvenient (See: D8)

FINANCE: Cohen-Goldsteinberg Says ‘Borrow Now!’ (B1)

WAR: Bomb Mars … Again! (C2)

POLITICS: Robots Vote In Record Numbers, Edge Transvestites (A4)

WEATHER: No Global Warming, But It’s Just A Matter Of Time

 

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April Fool’s Special – TPC

01 Wednesday Apr 2020

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Clearing the Miasma

Happy April, fools! 

Listen now, I know all of this latter-day hysteria has us a little down in the dumps. We need not obsess over a teeny-tiny organism that we can’t even see. So, today we’re going to discuss something else entirely! Something fun! To the sports desk:

TPC’S EXCLUSIVE 2020 MASTERS TOURNAMENT COVERAGE

_[__________Ripoff Template 3: INSERT BS “STORY” HERE__________]_

Okay… um… the virus, then…

Greetings, dear friends. I trust you’re all at home, bored to tears. How are the kids? What? No “school” again this week? Get ‘em some of that STEM they keep talking about, which I think has something to do with botany. How was church Sunday? Got your $1,200 in government cheese yet? I jest, sorry. Anyway, one of the subjects the kiddos aren’t missing right now is literature. And part of that, fabled throughout our long history, is the art of poetry. Assonance, meter, carburetion, and other elements have always eluded my mastery. So, since you have nothing to do and I am just about out of my damn mind, let’s give it a stab. Yes, gather up your traveling papers, maintain that social distance, and let’s shelter in place while we bail ourselves out with a pandemic poem.

Safer at Gnome

By Perrin Lovett

A.D. COVID-XIX

There is a tree, in west Tennessee, outside of Jackson, they say.

There lives a Gnome, often happy at home, who can keep the virus at bay.

Just play him a tune, at a quarter past noon, on a fretted old dulcimer, true.

And, ask him politely, if he might do rightly, to stem the pandemic of dread.

But, mention not his neighbor; Leprechaun did him no favor when he gave their gold to the Fed.

Magic, you see, from a Gnome in a tree, is all that salvation requires.

Oh, what’s that you say? And, what, by the way, should we sing to our new little friend?

Just strum ye along, to this favorite song, and watch all our troubles upend:

…

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