A while back I wrote a piece about my journey through undergraduate school at the University of Georgia (“UGA”).  I recently dredged up my transcripts from that experience and thought I would share the same with you – with commentary!  Here follows a hilarious, self-deprecating look at the mistakes I made in Athens.

(UGA.)

As I related before, I majored in the wrong things and failed to realize my mistakes until it was too late.  My grades reflected accordingly – I graduated with a “C” average.  Considering how I felt about studying and how little I did, that “C” seems like a miracle.  Also, I unofficially majored in girls, beer, and trail running/weight lifting; I worked full-time the last two years as well.

UGA is a great school, one of only 21 schools in America which received an “A” based on their required core curriculum.  I think the requirements were a little different when I was there – last century – but I still had the opportunity for a first class education.  My point here to two-fold: first, I want to entertain you by making fun of my foibles in college; second, and more importantly, I hope some of my younger readers may benefit from my mistakes so as to prevent a few of their own.

Fall Quarter, Year 1

I got a “B” in English 101 (composition).  I write a lot and read well so this was no surprise.  I recall the professor was a hot ex-business executive who decided she wanted to teach English.  I got a C in Sociology.  I hated this class and was terribly bored throughout.  I gave it no effort – which, if I recall, was all it warranted.  I made my only F, ever, in College Algebra.  I can’t remember why I had to take this class in the first place.  I did fairly well in math in high school.  I think it was a weed-out class and it almost got me.  I understood most of the crap in the classes but the tests were all administered by a computer with an incomprehensible software system.  I suppose it was designed that way.  Anyway, I learned a valuable lesso … actually, I learned nothing.

Winter Qtr, Year 1

I made a C in Eng 102 – the teacher was nearly as hot as the one from 101.  Surprisingly, I made a C in American Government.  Actually, I was not surprised.  The professor was a nearly brain-dead liberal who “taught” straight from the New York Times, to which we were required to subscribe.  I bet this is how the Times stays in business.  I think my grade would have been higher had I made my term paper more politically correct.  I wrote about American intervention in Bosnia – from my unique perspective.  I wrote the whole affair off as illegal and unnecessary.  Turns out, in hindsight, I was right.  Still got a C.  I got another B in a Geology class of all things.  It was actually fairly interesting … I think.

Spring Qtr, Year 1

The transcripts say I took another Geology class.  Or was it Geography???  I flopped through Microeconomics without much impressive success.  I also took Anthropology 10whatever.  The whole class was devoted to the study of a bunch of primitives in Africa.  It might have featured Barry Sotoro, not sure.

Summer Qtr, Year 1

I met a super hot girl in the Obama class whom I started dating.  She was entirely too good for me and later we broke up.  Okay, she broke up with me.  I deserved it.  Anyway, she was a year ahead of me and I decided to take summer classes in order to try to graduate with her.  I took Western Civilization (to 1500 AD), a class I really liked.  The professor was a righteous dude!  I retook the evil algebra class had no problems this time.  They implemented a new software, just for me!  I started an Intro to Cinema class thinking it would be easy and fun.  It was not.  They expected me to watch movies (that I did) and then analyse all sorts of weird entertainment theories and such.  I dropped it.

Fall Qtr, Year 2

I studied Macroeconomics with the same success as Micro.  Blah.  I took Business Law, which I really enjoyed.  I took a business major-related Pre-Calculus class (trigonometry?) and did much better than in the weed-out crap class.  There was no computer involved.  At the time, I absolutely hated computers, regarding them as evil, silicon-based lifeforms sent to make us miserable.

Winter Qtr, Year 2

Having quit the movies, I took a Theater class.  I recall none of it but the transcripts say I got a B.  I also got a B in MIS (Management Information Solutions??).  We learned there was some sort of new thing on the horizon called the “internet.”  Ever heard of it?  Other than that, all I can recall is the professor stuttering his RRRRRRrrrrrrssssss…  I almost got an A in Calculus!  I should have got the A but I was quite happy with my B(+?).  I was not sure why I didn’t get an A, seems I had a theory at the time.  My secret to success was actually learning the material!  I had to because the professor spoke not one word of English.  I became intimately acquainted with the book.  Everyone was required to take a PE class, pass or fail only.  I took “Walking” because all of the cool classes like scuba and jousting were full.  Turns out “walking” meant speed walking.  I was the only man in the class and was always dead last behind the ladies.  I had a theory.  Anyway, passed it … barely.

Spring Qtr, Year 2

I started and withdrew from a Business Statistics  class, which was the most dreaded class in the Terry School of Business.  It was another computer-driven weeder.  I took Accounting 1 and hated it.  Hated it.  Trying out one of my elective credits, I took  Philosophy 101.  I am philosophy!  I loved it and made my very first A!  I discovered there, that when you love something, it does not feel like work and seems to require no effort.  I wish I had woken up and that point and made better use of my time.  Onward…

Fall Qtr, Year 3

I did not take any summer classes – hottie and I had gone our separate ways.  Anyhow, as the leaves turned I endured another useless Accounting class.  I also muddled through another econ class – Money and Banking.  I liked it (you know I write about monetary issues often) but I did only average, academically.  For another elective I took a Classics class – Roman Culture.  I absolutely loved it!  As with Calc, I narrowly missed an A – I think I overslept for the final exam and only finished part of it.  Anyway, this should have been another wake up moment.  It wasn’t.  However, given my constant recitation of Cicero and Sallust, by the power vested in me, by me, I hereby elevate my grade to an A!  Haha!

Winter Qtr, Year 3

This was a miserable waste of a quarter.  I found myself in a Marketing class.  The high point was discovering the Professor was an avid hiker as was I.  I forced my way through that Statistics class.  Did you know that 60% of all statistics are wrong?  True fact, that.  At some point I walked into the Professor’s office and just asked for a D.  A D and there would be no trouble from ol Perrin.  She, perceiving my blight and perhaps my wrath, consented.  “D” stands for DONE!  My dad was a psychologist.  I am not.  I started a Psychology class and dropped it after being unnerved by the lab experiment – whatever the hell it was…

Spring Qtr, Year 3

The transcripts say I took “Prin of Prod.”  I do not recall what that was.  I didn’t do well, whatever it was.  It matters not at all.  This quarter I took my first major class, Real Estate something.  I only got a B.  that should have told me something.  I’m sure it did but, at the time, I wasn’t listening.

Fall Qtr, Year 4

By only studying the manual which accompanied my fancy calculator the night before the final, I breezed through Finance!  I still have the calculator!  I also did well in some sort of Organizational Behavior (?????) class?  I do not remember it at all.  Unless, it was the one where I interviewed a local business owner (a “Republican” type) only to discover she was a government-loving zombie…  My calculator trick did not work quite as well in my Real Estate Finance class but I made it through.  Another flag ignored.

Winter Qtr, Year 4

I wasted away in another Management class and two Real Estate classes.  I was upset about my grade in RE Development – the only time I ever cared.  Professor C.F. Floyd, a local legend, gave me a B.  I had an A all through the Quarter and had the highest grade on the class project (complete with glowing reviews).  However, Floyd graded my final exam rather low – even though it was a completely subjective essay matter.  Afterwards, when I protested, he said he just didn’t like my subject matter.  I really respected the man but I went to the Dean with an appeal.  The Dean, whose name I do not recall, told me Floyd was the senior-most teacher in all of UGA and I was out of luck.  Sorry, Jack.  I am not.  I hereby elevate my grade to an A! +!  I now have the power and you can just kiss my shrinking ass, buddy.

Spring Qtr, Year 4

This quarter I got my only A in my major (not counting the above post-fact elevation).  It was in Corporate Real Estate.  At the time, I liked the class and thought I had done a great thing.  I since revised my opinion.  Out in the real world, I discovered the class actually did me a grave dis-service.  Based on what we studied, we all seemed to think we would immediately start out in Donald Trump’s shoes.  None of us did.  We were introduced to the “entry-level” world.  Seems I took yet another unremarkable management class and something called “Interviewing” – who knew.  

Summer Qtr, Year 4

Most of my friends took 5 or 6 years to graduate.  With the help of one more summer session, I did it in the traditional four.  Apparently, I took something called ADM Practices.  Does anyone have the slightest idea what that is????  I also took two more Classics electives – Greek Culture and Mythology.  Only at this last hour did I realize my business major mistake.  For an hour or two I contemplated switching majors (or double majoring, maybe) to (in) something more classical – a real education.  I regret not doing so to this day.  Foolishly, I determined I had done all I could and accepted by BBA as was.  Foolish.

I would like to say I have benefitted from that degree but I have not.  It was completely useless.  A friend of mine remarked the other day an undergraduate degree is a certificate which indicates you can sit still and concentrate on something for four years.  It is nothing more – at least a BBA isn’t.  It did not help me get a good job.  It didn’t matter in law school.  It doesn’t matter at all.

(A real BBA.  Google.)

Should you find yourself in a similar situation, get out now!  Either change what you’re doing or just drop out.  You’ll be glad you did.  You won’t have to sit and stare at your transcripts some day wondering what the hell “ADM” means…