Here, in full; originally, at TPC.

TPC Exclusive! An Interview With Dr. Thomas H. Ironsides, Ph.D.

I’m more excited about the following article than I have been since my recounting of the hot little Mossad girls from the malls of yore. This being the National Affairs desk, I thought it a great idea to run some current and pressing issues by the man with the training and insight beyond belief. I caught up with Professor Ironsides – not the easiest endeavor – for a dinner conversation one evening at The Peddler Steak House in Boone, NC. Please enjoy; transcription follows:

Ladies and Gentlemen! Tom Ironsides! Had just stepped off camera, left…

[The back “western” nook, past the soup and salad bar].

Perrin: “Recording… Tom, again, it’s so great to see you. How’ve you been?”

Tom: “Again, it’s Doctor Ironsides if you please.”

Perrin: “So, Tom, great! MB and the whole TPC audience are really excited to hear all about your opinions on national and world affairs. Where should we start?”

Tom: “TPC? Who the hell is MB?”

Perrin: “Newton County? Georgia? The pizza with Ariana last Spring? It may be confusing coming into the real world for a column. Sorry.”

Tom: “Okay. Sure. It is a little odd. Colors seem slightly different. You look different, this side of the keyboard. Duller and wimpier. Anyway, what do you and your friends want to know?”

Perrin: “Thanks. You must be excited with The Substitute and all!”

Tom: “Oh. I knew it! Here comes the plug for that sad excuse of a novel. The one even I struggled to make interesting…”

Perrin: “Right. The one you hijacked. Was supposed to be a nonfictional expose on the…”

Tom: “Hijacked! I like that. Yeah, the one that otherwise would have never been completed. Another COMING SOON, meaning NEVER, book by Perrin Lovett. Ingrate.”

Perrin: “The one where you were created, you…”

[Young co-ed waitress approaches the table].

Waitress: “Hi, boys! Need more drinks?”

Perrin: “Thanks, darling. I’ll have another Newcastle.”

Tom: “Same here, sweetie. Thanks.”

[Waitress skips back to the bar].

Tom: “Damn. Create some more of those in the next book!”

Perrin: “I know, right?! So…”

Tom: “The book is pretty good. Once one gets by the awkwardness of the writing. Wandering plot. Lack of discipline. An important subject. The protagonist is great.”

Perrin: “Thanks. I guess. Tell me, which was worse, the wars, or the government schools?”

Tom: “I came to see them as one and the same. Or, at least as two parts of the same terrible degradation of our culture. Personally, and this may be hard to believe, but the schools hurt worse. Getting shot was just me. Anything I saw or did out there was just on me. The schools? So many affected. In the classrooms, it is manifestly obvious what damage is done to countless innocent lives.”

Perrin: “Do you see or think you…”

Tom: “All of it perpetrated by the same class of moronic evil-doers. It’s no surprise the way they prey on the children. Their contempt for mankind knows no limit.”

Perrin: “What I was asking. Exactly. Moving on… How are the new center and the classical school development progressing?”

Tom: “Baby steps. It’s refreshing to be back in a genuinely academic setting. You know – you really know – we’re right around the corner here, uh, in the … book world? The school is likely … it’s still on the drawing board, honestly. But, getting attention. We see tremendous opportunity, nationwide, through an online program for intelligent homeschoolers. The center is just Maddie, Ari, and myself, for the moment. That too is garnering interest all over. And, as of just recently, we have a real office. A website. We’re getting there. The college couldn’t be more helpful.”

Perrin: “Those not familiar with Part Three may not follow what we’re discussing.”

Tom: “Read faster! Hang on. Is it even out yet?”

Perrin: “Ha! Oh, speaking of crazy… Now, I’d like to take a brief moment and announce something else of extreme interest and tantalizing possibility. We here at TPC and the C.F. Floyd Column for National Affairs proudly welcome our newest sponsor and advertising partner, The Aurelius Foundation. Aurelius, headquartered in Washington, D.C., and Paris, has been providing strategic insight and actionable intelligence for over thirty years. If your bank, government, NGO, or other deep-pocketed concern has a need for global information geared towards decisively terminating and/or profiting from conflict, then please contact them. We’re so glad they’re along for the ride! As they put it: ‘There is knowledge, or there is failure.’ Thank you, dear new friends, and welcome!”

Tom: “What the holy hell was THAT!?! AURELIUS?! Really? Do you even know what…”

Perrin: “Relax, big guy. I’m sure they’re something else entirely in the real world. Besides, we haven’t even written that animosity just yet beyond the sketches. Just an ad.”

Tom: “Why is the logo exactly the same if??”

Perrin: “Because money.”

Tom: “Ah. God. Okay….”

Perrin: “Anyway. Oh, here she comes!”

[Hot waitress returns with two beers and a smile. She immediately bypasses Perrin, settling beside Tom, rubbing his head].

Waitress: “Here you are, fellas! Can I get you anything else?”

Tom: “That feels good! Thanks, doll. Just keep these coming? You in school at ASU?”

Waitress: “Yep. Junior, marketing major. I love these bottle labels! Different facts in every star, you know? I could advertise the fire out of these.”

Tom: “I’m an ad man myself! I bet we could advertise you right out of those pants.”

Waitress [whispering]: “Oooo. See me before you leave, big boy! Oops. Gotta run. More beers in like … fifteen, twenty?”

[Hottie kisses Tom and leaves].

Tom: “Don’t run. Walk slowly. And! Don’t ever work for The Aurelius Foundation!!!”

Perrin: “How do you?”

Tom: “I’m not bad. I’m just written this way. Geez. These lines…”

Perrin: “And, didn’t I give you like the hottest girlfriend on the planet?”

Tom: “You did. But, relax, big guy. I’m sure she’s something else entirely in the real world. Just a flirt.”

Perrin: “Okay. Now some issues… The Ukraine-impeachment. What’s your take on the whole thing? Where do you see it going?

Tom: “Ah, yes. President … Trump? Is it? I checked the news as soon as I figured I was in the real world, here in the parking lot. Exactly the same, just totally different. I hate to make these predictions, but I think it’s going nowhere. In fact, this may be the push that gets Trump reelected.”

Perrin: “How do you figure?”

Tom: “Well, legally… You’re the Constitutional expert, now… What’s that like? Is that like being a dinosaur veterinarian?

Perrin: “Ha, ha! Yeah. Just about. A jurisprudential archeologist!”

Tom: “Sad. It really is. Anyway, impeachment… From the start: the underlying Ukrainian deal, with energy, the aid money, all of it, is just steeped in corruption. Biden and family stepped into that big time. I see that as going nowhere, too. So, could Trump legally inquire into what very likely was a criminal matter? With, or to, a foreign leader? Yes, and yes. State and DOJ aside, he’s still the nation’s top diplomat and lawman. Parts of his job. Can they argue this was a campaign violation? Sure. It’s just a matter of relevance. It’s entirely possible – probably, in fact – that Trump did break some laws. With this and many other things. But, so did, does every member of Congress, all judges, and all other American adults.”

Perrin: “Three felonies a day…”

Tom: “Exactly! Plurimae leges, minus aequitate! One question I have is whether merely being a candidate shields one from criminal investigation. Does it? If so, just as Biden’s status would protect him from Trump, wouldn’t the same argument protect Trump from the Dems? And, there’s the fact that for any evidence they might really have – this time, that this looks like nothing more than a rehash of the same Russian collusion nonsense they ran with for three years. Foreign election meddling! Impeach Trump! Wow, original. Why didn’t they think of that before?”

Perrin: “A thought. Is the intel community or the CIA out to get Trump?”

Tom: “Certainly! He’s rocked their boat, so to speak. They, the CIA especially, they serve the deep state. I would know. Any attempt to revise, reduce, or reign in will be met with hostility. Power for power’s sake. If people even knew just five percent…”

Perrin: “Your call on the election?”

Tom: “Ordinary, if that’s the word, case – Trump beats Warren, reelected. Outside insane scenario, worst case for Trump in other words – impeachment, removal, pardon, and then Trump still beats Warren, reelected. Either way, any way, the pollsters, just like in 2016, will be off guard and out of touch.”

Perrin: “Does he deserve reelection?”

Tom: “By modern standards? Sure, why not? Sane, pre-1860 republic standards? No way in hell. All relative … and irrelevant.”

Perrin: “How long do you think we have?”

Tom: “Depends on a few factors. Probably ten to twenty years, give or take ten to fifty.”

Perrin: “Done by mid-century?”

Tom: “I’d say so. If this is Rome, then it’s about 450 AD, maybe 470.”

Perrin: “Willing to name some of the factors?”

Tom: “Yeah… The economy, of course. The demographic collapse. War – here and abroad. Just one could do it. I think we’re in for a combination.”

Perrin: “What’s the worst factor?”

Tom: “The change. The demographic shift and decline. But, you know, you kind of do that angle to death on a regular basis. Not much to add, and not that it makes any real difference. You, we have it pretty well covered in the book too. I’ll just say, at the end of the day, it was too many men like you and me accepting too much. And, doing so while we had … so many damned guns!”

Perrin: “Let’s see… I also covered economics lately. We’ll leave the war, here, alone…”

Tom: “We’d be so lucky it left us alone.”

Perrin: “Ha! Yeah. Okay, where’s the most likely strike abroad coming? And, by whom?”

Tom: “Iran. The Middle East. There, or in, near China. The US cannot win any war, now, without going nuclear – and that would have its own drawbacks and perplexities. The Joint… the models confirm what the commanders know: the US Empire cannot defeat either Russia or China in an outright conventional conflict. Definitely not both combined. They can’t beat nine guys with goats and an AK. Russia?! I don’t think they can win against us, either; they just cannot be beaten. Of course, they are not out looking for a war. Washington is. In spite of all the games and simulations, computer and material. I used to run those, for the Corps in the ‘90s and the Company up until about nine, ten years ago. Nothing has changed except the odds fade ever year.”

Perrin: “What do you say to the people – you know who I’m talking about – who say, ‘just nuke ‘em?’”

Tom: “I don’t talk to retards. And, since it’s not polite to tell even idiots to fuck off and die, then I don’t say anything.”

Perrin: “That almost says it all. Beyond the ‘duck and cover’ horror show, what’s perplexing about a, uh, a non-conventional war? From the US side?”

Tom: “Mutually assured destruction. And today, the US may not even be able to guarantee its end of the mutual part. It’s not just who else has nukes, it’s who else has deterrent systems. More importantly, it’s also who can sustain the warheads. One of the biggest hidden problems in the US is the lack of tritium production. All those triggers have to be refreshed every seven to ten years. Otherwise, the yield is largely outside control or predictability. For us, the good people, I think that’s actually a good thing. It will keep even the craziest neocon nuts from getting too far ahead of reality.”

Perrin: “You think there’s a decent chance of catching Russia through one of these small to medium country meddlings?”

Tom: “Yes. They drew a hard line both in Syria and in Venezuela. We backed off. One day, that might not go so well for either party. Right now, it looks like Iran is the catalyst. Could change tomorrow. Something about avoiding the entanglements.”

Perrin: “Well, that covers the big tickets. I have a note from a reader, lemme see… Anything out at Area 51?”

Tom: “Lord… No, nothing from outer space, nothing alien. That’s more of a dumping ground for failed or obsolete experiments. Storage. Now, our Omega group had a…”

Perrin: “WOAH!!! No, no, no! We don’t use the ‘O-word’ yet. Not enough written.”

Tom: “Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry…”

Perrin: “And, I understand you have a little reunion planned soon up in DC.”

Tom: “It’s going to be great. Can’t wait to see some of the…”

Perrin: “I’m confident you’ll have an interesting time.”

Tom: “Thanks. The boys and… Wait. What was the emphasis on ‘confident’ there??”

Perrin: “Wow. Word counts fly when you’re having fun. And, we still have the parking lot scene. Shall we? You pay…”

Tom: “Parking lot?”

[Outside the front door].

Perrin: “Yeah. I was thinking maybe $19.99 per physical copy.”

Tom: “I’d charge $25 or $30. It’s a big book and, the more I think about it, damned good. Let’s…”

Co-ed: “Hey! Wait up! My pants, remember?”

[Perrin intercepts the hottie, mid-flight].

Perrin: “Oh, wow. No. He forgot. Forgot all about his other date!”

Tom: “What other date?!”

Carmyn: “Darling!”

Tom: “Carmyn!? How are you here? In this world?”

Carmyn: “I don’t know. But however it happened, I owe it all to sweet Perrin. Good evening, My Lord.”

Perrin: “Evening, Adrestia. Yes, I still have some power here.”

Co-ed: “Are you a wizard?”

Perrin: “…Sure! That’ll do. Now, I think we were on our way to my hotel room … uh, my penthouse luxury suite. You were going to show me those gymnastics moves, right?”

Co-ed: “Oh, baby, you have no idea!”

Perrin: “Yes. I do.”

[Perrin and the (suddenly) 9.9+ super-hottie instantly teleport away, leaving behind a joyful Carmyn and a bewildered Tom].

Carmyn: “Let’s go shopping, darling! For hours!” [Begins dragging Tom…].

Tom: “Oh, no…”

Carmyn: “Have you seen how pretty Hudson Leick is in the real world?!”

Tom: “Who?”

**As evidence of the veracity of the foregoing, I offer this photograph:

MB must appropriate funds for a professional photographer…