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Hug It Out


This column is a kind of open letter to Volodymyr Zelensky, Andriy Taran, Anna Malyar, and, to a slightly lesser degree, Vladimir Putin. It’s also a chance for me to play the sappy white knight role for a beautiful woman not named Gal Gadot.

Recently, I was surprised to discover the Olympics are still a thing. Seriously, they’re running the games in Japan or they were. Before you yawn and roll your eyes, just know there was a little heart-tugging, kind sportsmanship on display. Sportswomanship, rather. 

After a hard-fought match, the lovely Russian Mariya Lasitskene bested the gorgeous Ukrainian Yaroslava Mahuchikh. Congratulations, ladies! Magnanimous in defeat, Mahuchikh offered Lasitskene a hug. This is the girly-power version of what we used to call being a good loser, showing respect due to a worthy competitor. We used to. This is 20-hoax-ever, the age of uncivil stupidity. Therefore, a controversy immediately arose!

Ukraine’s Deputy Defense Minister, Anna Malyar (herself not a bad-looking chick), took to the Faceberg spy site, saying: “Athletes representing Ukraine at international competitions must understand that the Russian-Ukrainian war is ongoing in Ukraine and it imposes certain restrictions and responsibility.” She added the spectacle of the hug “caused an outrageous reaction in society.” Mahuchikh (literally “My-hot-chick”) is a sergeant in the Ukrainian military. Upon her return from the Land of the Rising Incel, she’ll be summoned to the Defense Ministry for a “conversation,” presumably about the martial conditions currently existing between Russia and Ukraine and the ramifications of the heroic embrace. 

Pictures of the shocking display HERE.

Ergo, my message to the relevant governing parties is, “KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF!”

If a hug between two (really pretty) athletes causes an outrageous reaction in your society, then something is wrong with your society. The two sane commenters on BergBook are right – these ladies put honor and respect ahead of politics. That’s a good thing. So, knock off the outrage and the conversations.

Knock off the war too. It’s not exactly my place to intrude, but here I go. Your nations are kissing cousins. Cousins argue and sometimes fight like siblings. They don’t kill each other. They work things out. More in common and all that.

And, if you’ll kindly notice, you have a common enemy. The same little satanic group that almost destroyed Russia with the Red Revolution and aftermath is the same parasitic lot that caused the Holodomor in Ukraine. They happen to be engaged in a semi-open war against Russia right now, and they have caught Ukraine up in their wayward interactions with the dying USSA and ascendant China. They greatly assisted with the total destruction of the American nation. They also just happen to currently be one party behind the Coronahoax attacks on the entire human race. (They also run stupid spy sites like Farcebook, FYI). A peace between Kyiv and Moscow would hurt them as much as it helps you.

Just leave the mindless outrage and irrational violence to the Amerikans. It’s what we do best and we’ll keep doing it until we exit the world stage (soon). We’re under massive assault on all sides by multiple parties and, oddly, the faithless, overweight, under-intelligent masses seem to enjoy it. Our worthless, communist leaders like Greg Abbot, John “Quarter Ton” Hagee, and Rick Desantis are literally tripping over each other to appease the enemy even as the enemy keeps kicking us in the face. 

Do you want to live like that? Die like that? I didn’t think so. So, in conclusion, I offer a sensible roadmap to peace. Please appoint these two charming champions as respective ambassadors for your sane, Christian countries. I will meet with them and act as a mediator. To help smooth things along, consider sending additional representatives like Deputy Malyar, Alexandra Kuznetsova, and any other nines and tens you can spare. Given the company, I suppose it doesn’t matter where we meet, so long as we meet. We’ll leave that up to the women. A beach maybe? Somewhere quiet and private. For my part, I’m ready. Hugs for peace.