Part One

Once upon a time there was a funny little country. Actually it was a vast land with a burgeoning population. The details matter little; the populace was largely large and illiterate and most of them had never ventured far beyond their own villages. The whole kingdom was really more of a dystopian construct loosely held together by the magic of a box like device called “television”. The land was rumored to have once been a mighty nation of strong folk. Reality did not resemble the rumor.

Anyway, the same small clique of evil wizards that operated the television also controlled the kingdom’s government. Every four years they installed a new puppet king. Sometimes popular puppets maintained the act for two terms. The wizards encouraged the silly and poorly dressed peasants to participate in the new king’s coronation through a year long carnival called an election. This spectacle gave the commoners the illusion of control while providing the wizards with ample entertainment.

The successive election carnivals produced a continuously declining quality of kingship material. The few intelligent citizens gave up on the carnivals entirely and burned their magic boxes. It was believed there were fewer than fifty of these wise people in all the land. For the most part they lived in the forrests on the fringes of society. The masses paid them little notice.

The latest carnival rolled around with the usual assortment of offerings: fat con men; wild-haired and wild-eyed communists; shrieking banshees; deviants; false prophets; spiteful, warmongering toads; and complete idiots. These unworthies held rallies where they proclaimed molehills to be mountains while simultaneously denying the existence of actual mountains. The people cheered. The wizards howled with laughter.

'It doesn't look good, Bob!'


Into this particular carnival were thrust two candidates of unusual character (or lack thereof). One was a raging bull of a man who, previously, had been successful in a real job. He spoke loudly. He mentioned the real mountains. People cheered wildly at his turbulent events. The forrest dwellers were suspicious. The other oddity was a grizzly old buzzard of a woman. She was suspected of being a witch. Her defining traits were her hideous cackling and her being a notorious unconvicted felon. Despite her grotesque demeanor she held sway over many of the plebeians. The forresters thought her wicked.

To be continued…