Welcome to post number 400 at perrinlovett.me! Long live the blog!
2016 promises to be a great year. I’m expecting at least another 100 articles as well as several more books. Ah, the future. Speaking of which, here’s a look ahead at some news headlines from February 14, 2066:
Goodbye, Saint Valentine: Caliphate says ancient infidel holiday violates Sharia.
In the face of 87% unemployment Fed Chairman Harvey Goldwitz says, “economy never stronger, bankers never richer.”
GOP Senate supports new war effort; Democrats demand equality of MIC contract graft; location of conflict yet undecided, deemed trivial.
Jorge Bush, Jr. readies 2068 presidential campaign. Willie Obama-Clinton says DNC up to the challenge.
Justice served! Supreme Court rules old Constitution violates government’s ability to violate Constitution, strikes down entirely.
Palestinians and Israelis still fighting.
Supersize! 99.99% of Americans, 87% of World population now morbidly obese.
Scientists baffled at unnatural rate of healthy, athletic robots. Commission formed to study.
AI Senior Drone concerned humans could conceivably become fit and intelligent again. “Biggest threat to silicon life since EMP!”
Nashville: Last unencumbered private property owner shot dead by S.W.A.T. team as crowd cheers.
Super Bowl champion quarterback suspended for not wearing pink tutu during big game. Arrest expected this week.
Jesse Jackson III claims offense at lack of offensive occurrences.
Mumbling homeless midget awarded Noble Prize.
National IQ reaches new low, almost immeasurable; NASCAR fans still dumberest.
Wal-Mart sued after fat woman angered by something.
90% of children on food stamps, others to be retroactively aborted.
Al Sharpton still won’t pay taxes, brings back the sweatsuit.
Man shocked to find alligator in swimming pool. Alligator shocked to find man capable of walking outside.
With bankruptcy abolished and immortality potentially achievable, banks consider infinite mortgages: “Be a debt slave forever!”
Last university math department closes after 12 years without a single enrollment.
Three students actually graduate from New York City high schools – all promptly stoned to death by vagrants.
NASA budget spent on beer, Cheetos and lottery tickets – last astronauts abandoned on Mars starve. Public unconcerned.
Spokane residents outraged by temporary failure of city surveillance system: “We were free and unmonitored for two whole days!”
WHO and WWF agree to add slim, attractive people to extinction watch list.
Handicapped robots demand additional parking spaces.
Woman frustrated by her lack of traffic accident in past three years; automated auto blamed.
Only six highway bridges remain standing; Interstate system to be scrapped.
Unobtrusive, happy man discovered going about own business, relocated to mental ward.
As of June 1st failure to watch television to become felony.
Declassified CIA paper unequivocally shows 911 attack an inside, covert government program. Evangelists and voters still unconvinced.
Insurance foundation alarmed as first claim paid in decades: “That’s our money!”
Napping set to surpass eating as national pastime.
Woman sets world record – shops 367 days per year.
Politician eaten by wolf. Nobody believed him. Wolf hospitalized.
With guns, knives, and shoes outlawed, Brady Center takes aim at salt shakers, bird baths.
John McCain defends Afghan war, claims victory a mere millinia away.
Teachers union calls strike after 3rd graders request to learn something.
Book Burner given Congressional Metal, two tickets to Dollywood.
Man convicted of asserting innocence at criminal trial.
Small turtle declared king of Greater Somolia.
I’m not loving it: zombie expires after eating Big Mac.
Alien lands spaceship in Washington DC, shakes head repeatedly, leaves after four minutes.
Gorilla volunteers to teach Americans to read. Offer coldly rejected; gorilla depressed.
Average adolescent weighs 310 pounds, has never been outside.
Homeland Secretary assures frightened public National Parks only urban legend.
Dope fo tractah: da return of hip pop country.
Atheists dispute existence of sun, point to flatness of earth.
Diane Feinstein youngest, most attractive member of Congress.
With only 12% of European population native and working, refugees concerned about end of handouts and terror targets.
College professor praised for urinated on, then eating known Christian student.
Biloxi family chastised for raising polite, modest children.
New numerical order contemplated as National debt reaches 999 Centillion Dollars. Republicans promise upcoming debt ceiling increase will be the last.
Cat voted out of San Francisco mayor’s office in recall: refused gang tattoos.
In utero tattoo procedure allows babies to be born looking like trashy sailors.
40° below! Al Gore frozen solid while given latest global warming warning during blizzard.
Intravenous potato chip/malt liquor mixture approved for over-the-counter consumption. Anheuser-Lays stock soars.
Plutonians declare Donald Trump supreme overlord of solar system; Trump unimpressed, vows something louder, grander.
Pacific Ocean replaced with Pepsi Cola.
Couch potato suffers heart attack after remote control falls to floor, watch group demands action (not from us though).
Voodoo doctor surprised by water in stream, blames the patriarchy.
Gangsta wannabe tries knockout game with polar bear, funeral on Wednesday.
Chris Christy new spokesman for Weight Watchers. Just kidding – still fat.
Neighbors investigate horrible odor, discover city hall.
The band that refused to die: Rolling Stones on tour … again … still alive … forever…
Moris Dees admits being communist crackpot: “A joke gone viral, gone wrong.”
Feminist social warrior: “God is Hitler.”
Bernie Sanders visits North Korea, admits mistaken philosophy.
Ahead of 100th anniversary of Liberty attack no one remembers; Navy silence ordered.
Witches sacrifice calculator as simpletons look on.
Louis Farrakhan blames “blue eyed devils” for general lack of interest in posthumous autobiography.
Monica’s dress cleaned by mistake, Clinton library head fired.
Toothpicks join gold, canned goods, ducktape, self reliance and common sense on list of prohibited items.
John Hagee reads Bible, discovers lack of rapture; calls again for rapture anyway.
Speechwriter terminated after fact check reveals true statement in 2065 State of the Union speech.
USDA approves increase in allowable mutated rodent fecal matter in processed food, bans vegetables.
Computer malfunctions, catches fire after failed attempt to calculate lenght of Code of Federal Regulations.
Pope gives up, goes home.
Augusta, Georgia woman exhausted by breathing, demands government subsidies.
Tennessee: last known Confederate grave desecrated, replaced by check cashing store.
Man confused by giant, cloud-like things in sky; FBI offers to hold hand.
House Committee ponders 100% income tax for top 100% of earners.
Thomas Jefferson miraculously returns from death, visits local shopping center to converse with locals, promptly commits suicide.
“Normalcy” added to APA-DSM 7 list of chronic disorders.
November election predicted to be biggest con job to date: voters dumber than sh!t.
Curmudgeon speaks: Perrin Lovett, nearing 100, still hates the government; credits cigars and insanity with long life.
Too much? Nah, you know me. Good night and God bless.