The other day a friend and I discussed someone who is on Social Security disability. This led to a broader conversation about all the wonderful benefits provided by one half of America to the other half. Where do they go to find out about all these “free” perks?

I found the answer. Believe it or not there is actually the following website: Your Path To Government Benefits. No kidding. I did not cook that up on the backside of Word Press. All ones does is click the “Start Benefit Finder” button and the site takes over, presumably scouring every department in D.C. and the states for available graft and loot.

Poking around under “Agency” I landed on the National Endowment for the Arts (NEA). Somewhere in there I stumbled across possible grants for museums, among many other things. That got me thinking about an idea I had many moons ago. A great idea. A crazy idea. An idea I just had to share with you.

Perrin Lovett’s Amazing Mobile Corvette Museum

My idea is simple. I could always another car. And since the money is available, why not try to have all of you pay for it. It’s for you anyway. It’s simple.

I’ll apply for a museum grant to cover the cost of a new car. The car will be a “museum” – to that particular type of car. A single exhibit museum on wheels. I will be the curator. For your enjoyment, I will drive the car around town. You get the benefit of seeing it on the road and in select parking lots. You can bring the kids. Maybe I’ll have a gift shop in the trunk.

While this might seem like my attempt to procure free transportation, I assure you it is an educational benefit for the greater community.

My problems with implementation are several. First, there are forms to fill out for a grant. I’m lazy and I utterly detest forms. Second, I’m not sure my request would be taken seriously. I don’t have the time to sue the NEA for enforcement. Third, I do still have a shred of decency left. I would feel a little guilty about peeling out of the Starbucks parking lot while a few school children are still enjoying my sweet new ride the exhibit.

Finally, and most alarmingly, the grant amounts I saw look a little low. The top figure I saw was $25,000. That would hardly cover a new V8 Corvette, let alone insurance, gas, sheepskin seat covers, and an extended maintenance plan from Chevy. $125,000 might do it though I would expect a salary for my curation skills. Let’s say I need a quarter million. Come to think out it, I’ll need an assistant to ride shotgun. Maybe a college cheerleader or gymnast. Need a new shotgun too. Half a million???

National Corvette Museum. See, there’s already something similar, just not mobile. Or mine. I’ll need cash for those velvet rope things too…

$25,000 might fund Perrin’s Base Toyota Corolla Museum but that’s not what I’m after. A good museum, in my deranged mind, can cruise highway speeds with ease in second gear. You see my problems.

This magnificent idea, my great contribution to the art and entertainment worlds has already suffered vapor lock. I didn’t look hard at the funding limits. Maybe there’s a waiver for worthy causes. Maybe President Trump can lean on someone. He claims he won’t take a salary; they could allot that money to me.

Help me out. Send your ideas or grant tips. Is Corvette too domestic? Perrin’s Big Bad Bugatti Museum has a nice ring to it.

The money’s there. Why not waste it?

I want to help you help me help myself.

*As a crazy aside, compare and contrast the ease of the operation of that “Benefits” site to the IRS site. That latter one I am much more familiar with. Bet you are too…

**As a less crazy aside, if you’re a really hot college cheerleader or gymnast and you would like to be my assistant, please send me some pics and a number for arranging our … interview. This thing probably won’t fly but … you know.