Brandon threw a party and no countries came.

The White House says that it has excluded these countries because—brace yourself—of America’s almost erotic attachment to democracy, freedom, justice, democracy, human rights, and democracy, none of which the US conspicuously has. We must believe this, for is not Biden South America’s mommy? Which probably has something to do with transgender rights, though I prefer not to think about this.

I suggest that Biden actually excludes them because he cannot afford to allow anyone to speak who is not under American control. The Cuban president, unafraid of Washington, might speak thusly:

“Ladies and gentlemen, leaders of Latin America, you should begin this conference by admitting that you are all bootlickers, that you do not represent your populations who, as you all know, hate the Americans, but rather you toady to the Anglos who give you suitcases full of hundred-dollar bills, who flatter you with pretended respect while you do as they say.

“The Americans speak of human rights, prosperity, democracy, and dignity. As a Cuban, let me tell you about America’s love for human rights. Washington maintains, on our soil, against our wishes, a vast torture chamber at Guantanamo. Here prisoners are hung by their wrists from the ceiling, left in frigid cold, beaten, placed in agonizing positions for long hours, and subjected to that American specialty, waterboarding. In this water is poured down their throats to half drown them as they choke, beg, vomit, cough, scream. I do not know whether their sadists masturbate as they do this. You all know of these things, and yet you are here. You know that torture is American policy. You have seen the photo of the naked man lying on the floor in a pool of blood at Abu Ghraib? You should ask Mr. Biden—there he is among you, I am pointing to him—for a copy.

And democracy!