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Forget Russia and China. The USSA’s gay forces can’t even beat the friendly British.

Royal Marines commandos ‘dominated’ US troops and forced them into a humiliating surrender just days into a mass training exercise in the Mojave desert, it has been revealed today.

British forces took part in a five-day mock battle at the US Marine Corps’ Twentynine Palms base in southern California, one of the largest military training areas in the world, and achieved a decisive victory against their American counterparts.

When asked for comment, AA Austin admitted defeat but reiterated that the USSA military has the “most fabulous drag queens in the world.” Tom Ironsides did not weep, laughing rather.