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Under the Omnibus

Your insane President, when he’s not murdering known diplomats, enjoys signing garbage legislation from the criminal Congress. Last month, at the urging of Bitch McConnell and the other reprobates, The Trump cheerfully signed into law a poorly-cobbled amalgamation of a spending bill. The Empire doesn’t do full budgets anymore, so it’s only $1.37 Trillion at a sad time – generally once per quarter. But the embarrassing expense of evil comes with other costs. The new law also raised the age for purchasing cigars and other tobacco products to 21. And, thank God! Now, I can finally enjoy a smoke without all those damned pesky toddlers roaming around the lounge crying and exchanging germs (sorry, Bess, what they do). The ban, as you may know, is plainly authorized by the Zeroth Amendment of the US Cornsternation.

Tweeted The Trump: “Our beautiful, beautiful children. So much smoke. IRAN WILL NEVER ROLL A CIGAR. My watch. SO SAD. Obama did it too. Yuuge. MIGA.” Ketchup on a well-done steak.

My tobacconist buddy’s new warning sign. Humorous dissent is, for now, still legal.

Building on this trend of creeping incrementalism, a sarcastic state senator in Vermont, John Rodgers, whom I’d kind of like to meet, introduced a bill to ban “children” under the age of 21 from owning or using cellular mind control and tracking devices. Rodgers noted that he wouldn’t even vote for the change himself, stating that he introduced it to make a point. “The kids” can’t buy smokes or beer. Why let them dull their minds and risk their lives sexting and driving? I might suggest a rider to raise the driving age as well.

Mr. Rodgers: please keep this one in your neighborhood. Should Trump, Pelosi, and the other shits get wind of it, they may well try to federalize the concept. I’m sure the CIA-OPA could quickly conjure up a convincing B-movie-like video showing some paid actors trashing an embassy or something because Iran wants to cellularize our youth. My only hope is that they would still allow 5G to proceed apace; in addition to the wonderful biological benefits you’ll soon experience from the well-tested super-duper-micro-hyper waves, you just wouldn’t believe what else they will enable. But, you will.

Anyway, all this got me thinking. Some few of you from time to time murmur that you oppose big government. Yet and still, later this year, you’ll rush right out and cast your votes to keep it around. So be it. I’m here to help, really. The other week, for the first time in my life, I proposed a tax – for the children! Now, I have another idea.

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