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At least of the real, traditional variety. #NarwhalTuskControl and #FireExtinguisherControl don’t have the right ring to them. But, Aloha Snackbar!, what is needed after these revelations?

Scotland Yard is investigating how 28-year-old Usman Khan was able to launch the attack in London Bridge, despite being known to the authorities and fitted with an electronic tag to monitor his movements. He was allowed out a year ago after serving time for his part in a plot to blow up the London Stock Exchange.

In footage that has since emerged, Khan is sprayed with a fire extinguisher, while another man tries to suppress the assailant with a narwhal tusk – a long pointed tooth from a type of whale – lunging at him. It is believed the item was pulled from the wall of Fishmongers’ Hall, a Grade II-listed building on London Bridge, by a Polish chef called Łukasz.

I’m sure this Khan is unrelated to London’s other Khan, other than their sharing of common ideologies and hatred of all things British. And, imagine if, instead of whale tusks and fire-fighting tools, the Brits still had handguns (like the cops(!)), or at least knives. At any rate, it’s great to find at least a few who aren’t completely cucked, unlike their brave leadership – who will cuck and cave on this incident and related matters faster than you can say, “go back to where you came from!”