I read the following science and nature story and laughed: New Species of “Giant” Rat Discovered…” Ha! Seriously…

A new species of giant rat has been discovered which is so strong it can crack open coconuts with its teeth.

Measuring one-and-a-half feet long and weighing more than a kilo (2lbs), it is five times bigger than your average rodent.

The elusive creature lives in 30ft trees on Vangulu in the Solomon Islands. It had only ever been spotted by natives, leading to suspicions it was mythical.

Mammalogist Dr Tyrone Lavery first heard rumours of the giant, possum-like rat that lived in trees and cracked open coconuts with its teeth on his first trip there in 2010.

After seven years of searching and a race against deforestation destroying the rat’s would-be home his team finally found it.

That’s it?! Eighteen inches and two pounds?!! Giant?

No disrespect to Dr. Lavery, the Solomon Islands, nor the tree-dwelling, coconut-cracking rodents themselves, but … that’s a rather small rat. Very small. Yes, it is bigger than the average denizen of the sewers of wherever you are – unless you’re in the District of Corruption.

Once hearing rumors myself of giant rodents lurking in the national cesspool, I journeyed to the Mordor on the Potomac and confirmed a horror of gargantuan proportion.

There exist, in that city today, teeming hordes of rats averaging nearly six feet (while standing or slouching) and weighing over 200 pounds (though much of this is flab, alcohol, and/or pocketed bribes). Their tails are neatly hidden, tucked into designer suits and dresses. Their teeth, abnormally long, sharp, and vampire-like, are normally tucked behind either the cheesy grins of the guilty or the slack-jawed gape of the plainly stupid. But make no mistake – these beasts are as ravenous as they are dangerous.

Coconuts? No. Again, HA! These monsters can, and regularly do, crack: the Constitution, civil liberties, the economy, global peace and stability, and the human condition itself – all with bites and nibbles never-ending.

It is rumored that the bubonic plague avoids them for fear of contamination. If true – profound wisdom even from a mindless virus.

McConnell,Mitch-012309-18422-jf 0024




The new little fellow is neither large nor threatening by comparison to Americanus Politicus Rodentius, though it certainly has its selling points:



A better, safer bedfellow;

Likely more competent to govern or legislate anything; and

Easy access to coconuts.


And it’s far and away much cuter. Mirror/SWNS.