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Over the weekend, while some fretted about Trump groping hoaxes, felon ball, and “men” wearing makeup, the military went into defense readiness condition “DEFCON” level three. DEFCON 3 is heightened readiness. 5 means no threat. 4 is increased intelligence activity. We appear headed towards 2 – serious preparation for war. DEFCON 1 means war imminent within one hour.

None of this is as important as finding the proper place for personal pronouns against the patriarchy though it is pretty serious business. We’re now closer to nuclear confrontation than we have been in the past sixty years.

weirdal

Christmas at ground zero? Weird Al.

As such I put together this little guide for survival:

Don’t Elect Idiots To High Office

Oops. That ship has sailed. The selection of homicidal maniac politicians has become America’s other national pastime. Go on. Make herstory with Hillary and then move on to:

Live Where The War Isn’t (or Won’t Be)

The odds of war are still pretty low. And, if it happens, it will likely be localized, a regional affair, say in eastern Europe of Syria. A few Russian and American military bases, industrial centers, and communications installations might be hit. Populated areas around those centers might be destroyed. On the positive side, Washington D.C. might cease to exist. Anyway, try not to live in or around places like that.

In the event of all out war, continental America, Europe, and Russian, and maybe some other places are toast. Conceivably, any place with people could be targeted.

Move to Antarctica. On The Beach radiation drift theory aside, that continent will be the safest place on Earth. If you want to eat, bring the food with you. It may be a little chilly. Skiers and snowman enthusiasts will be in paradise.

Alternatively, leaving Earth would be a safe bet. If you have a rocket and sufficient supplies, consider outer space. This may be rather difficult. So….

Go Underground

Deep underground. Ideally, you want about 1,000 feet of rock between you and the outside world. Be prepared to stay down there for a while.

The U.S. used to maintain a system of fallout shelters. The Russians still do. These places will provide no protection against a direct strike but will ease the effects of indirect bombings. Go dig you a hole. Or,

Just Survive

The main dangers of a nuclear blast are: intense heat; extreme pressure, and; radioactive fallout. The first two are inescapable barring the use of some sort of nonexistent EM shielding (or 1,000 feet or granite). The further from the blast, the lower the risk from those.

It is possible that some very few people will endure the fallout without taking extraordinary precaution. Just as some have an inexplicable immunity to lethal diseases, some have higher tolerance to radiation. And the radiation may dissipate faster than expected.

This option requires the least effort (none) but it is a bit of a gamble. Americans love to gamble. So, just think of it as fantasy fallout league. Invite your friends to play. Make up some team names.

***

People wrote up plans like this from the 1950 through the 80s. Happily they were never useful. Hopefully it will be like that this century. Can you imagine the effect of a war on the Pokemon industry? I shutter to think of it.

BONUS! (Items to Hoard)

  • Canned food;
  • Water;
  • Breathable air;
  • Cigars – lots and lots of them;
  • Booze (maybe some dope);
  • A pistol;
  • The neighborhood SJW, a politician or a banker (you’ll need some reason to justify the pistol).

You’re welcome.

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