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“A well regulated pantry, being necessary to the security of a free school, the right of the children to keep and bear canned corn shall not be infringed.”  I write a good bit about the Second Amendment.  Now I have re-written the text entirely.  It’s now compatible with the 21st Century.  For the children and all.

An Alabama middle school (junior high) principal wants to arm students with canned food goods so as to deter terrorism.  I’m not making this up:  http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2015/01/14/schools-plan-to-empower-students-in-intruder-scenario-slammed-as-dangerous-stupid-wow/.

Starting immediately intruders or other “would-be evildoer(s)” will be pelted with canned corn and beans.

Image source: WHNT-TV

(Blaze article image.)

The school admits this plan may seem odd – “We realize this may seem odd…”  “Principal Priscella Holley and assistant principal Donna Bell added in the letter that ‘the canned food item would give the students a sense of empowerment to protect themselves.'”  Blaze article, supra.

The school apparently has a program called ALICE – Alert, Lockdown, Inform, Counter and Evacuate.  It’s like sheltering in place with can goods.  An added benefit is that during a prolonged lockdown these canned weapons could also, theoretically, serve as food. As the old Woody Guthrie song goes – “You can get anything you want at Alice’s restaurant (excepting education)….”

Some ultra-liberal types have already come out against the plan: “‘WOW. The level of stupidity in this is astronomically high,’ one individual wrote.” Blaze.  “’This is probably the most dangerous and stupid thing I’ve ever heard an educator say,’ wrote another individual.” Id.

In all seriousness, school shooting and violence are serious topics.  Self-defense is serious business too.  In a way, this might be a step in the right direction.  Any person held helpless and hostage by criminals has a God-given right to deter violence and injury (even in a school).  My question is this: wouldn’t a few handguns in the right, trained hands serve as a more effective deterrent?  You don’t see many cops armed with food.

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Other important policy issues are raised by this proposal.  Will there be a size limit on these cans?  A No. 10 can, being much heavier and potentially more damaging, might be considered a weapon of mass destruction.  If the cans are intentionally predetermined to be weapons, would they not run afoul of the school’s anti-weapons/anti-defense policy?  Kids these days are arrested for simply drawing pictures of weapons or merely saying words like “gun.”  Would a canned corn armed student or teacher be subject to arrest or discipline?

The Brady folks might lobby for a waiting period for the purchase canned food hereafter.  What about lid-locks.  Would a concealed can permit be in order?  Some more sensible people might rightly argue that only the police or the military need canned goods. The Founders never imagined food used as a weapon.  Would a box containing ten or twelve cans be considered a “high-capacity” food?

These and other ideas need to be explored.  Please, no canned responses here.