To lighten up the mood a bit after yesterday’s horrors I present more funny tales from the spam filter.  Once more, here follows real spam messages I withstood in blogville and my hypothetical responses thereto:

(Mmmm mmmm.  Google, good.)

From Aurelio Hurtgen: “Dude.. I am not much into reading, but somehow I got to read lots of articles on your blog. Its amazing how interesting it is for me to visit you very often. -”

My Response: Dude!  It’s like totally awesome!  Reading is for nerds, dude.  You are interesting for visits and reading of article blogs.  Delete!

From keercalibralo: “By a whisker focused means that you are writing there something specific. Do not pick a topic on which you could gather column a book. As a substitute for of abortion, a postcard on every side a unambiguous county abortion clinic and its bearing on the neighborhood. In preference to of the coppers harassment, write about the behavior of the supervise on your impediment or in your reflex neighborhood. Focusing your field beginning and frequently want conserve you straightaway at near better directing your research. A focused point also leads to a focused paper. The only obsession worse than discovering that you spent four hours at the library decision superfluous bodily is putting that facts into your paper impartial because you inaugurate it.”

My Response: Uuummm.  Okay.  Let’s see…. An unambiguous postcard abortion of the book whisker…  How do I supervise that impediment?  I don’t know what “inaugurate” means here, but I will do my best to hereafter conserve on the straightaways.  Promise.  Delete.

From general: “I enjoy what you guys are usually up too. This sort of clever work and coverage!
Keep up the excellent works guys I’ve included you guys to blogroll.”

My Response:  Sir! I appreciate email from high-ranging officials, SIR!  I regret that there is only one …”guy” here.  No guys.  I’m sure you’ll be pleased to be an excellent work yourself, in this post, Sir!  Delete, on the double!

From Lon Mericle: “Music began playing when I opened this web page, so annoying!”

My Response: The music is a deterrent feature just for people from snoreaid.org.  Only you can hear it!  It’s in you head, man.  I have strange powers.  And, thanks to being physically fit, I do not snore.  Delete.

From yaz lawsuits: “As the admin of this web site is working, no uncertainty very soon it will be famous,
due to its quality contents.”

My Response: Soon it will be famous?  Soon?  I’ll have you know I get 3 or 4 hits per month!  I’m famous today!  I’m the hardest working admin in cyberspace!  Sorry about the lawsuits.  I guess that’s what comes from trying to kill little babies.  Delete.

From Ahmad Barresi: “I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I don’t know who you are but certainly you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already Cheers!”

My Response: I see you’re from snoreaid also.  Enjoy the music???  See the response.  Going to be famous.  Ha!  You kill me!  And now, I delete you…winky…

From YhgKFIdHjH: [I didn’t paste the text due to over linkiness.]  They offer 50 mg of yahoo..

My Response: GhyeFgethYu.  Google 100 mg.  Twice.  Daily.  With food.  Alcohol may intensify effect.  Delete.

From how to get pregnant fast: “You actually make it seem so easy along with your presentation but I to find this matter to be actually something that I think I’d by no means understand. It kind of feels too complex and extremely wide for me. I am looking forward on your subsequent put up, I will try to get the grasp of it!”

My Response:  Are you talking about the blog or how to get pregnant?  I appreciate the kinky innuendos but I’ll have to delete.  Delete.

From best Penis Enlargement: “I’m still learning from you, time I’m rising myself. I absolutely liked city everything that is holographic on your parcel.Cook the tips coming. I favourite it”

My Response:  Hell yeah!  I always bring my readers the best – posts or penis enlargements… We’re all learning here.  It’s like a low rent city college next to a massage parlor.  You keep rising and I’ll keep the holograph coming (with a “u”??).  Yuck…..  Delete.

From Adult Webcams: “Wonderful article! That is the type of information that are supposed to be shared across the net.
Disgrace on Google for not positioning this put up upper!

Come on over and consult with my site . Thank you
=)”

My Response:  You should get together with the last spammer.  Google can up upper my no-so-fat-anymore butt!  I charge $100,000 per hour to consult with spammers and virus peddlers.  Send gold first as payment.  Til I have the gold, delete.

From Uncover The Truth About Someone: “I would like to show my thanks to the writer just for rescuing me from this difficulty. Because of surfing throughout the the web and getting recommendations that were not powerful, I figured my life was over. Being alive minus the answers to the problems you’ve sorted out by way of your article content is a crucial case, as well as those that could have badly damaged my career if I had not discovered your blog. Your main training and kindness in maneuvering the whole lot was useful. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had not discovered such a subject like this. I’m able to at this point relish my future. Thanks for your time very much for your skilled and effective help. I won’t hesitate to refer your blog post to anybody who requires support about this subject.”

My Response:  I enjoy uncovering the truth about spammers and then paying them a visit in the dead of the night.  Bwwwhhahahahaha!  Seriously, I’m glad I saved your life and career.  Can I use this as a testimonial?  Relish that future, baby, like a hotdog at the ball park.  Put some mustard on there and get a beer!  Delete.

From Tamar Jennings: “I severely delight in your posts. Thank you Tamar…”

My Response:  I work extra hard to ensure severe delight in all my victim…readers…  I have a severe pain in my wrist.  I was punching the bag and …  oh, you probably already read about it.  Severely.  Delete.

From NahElaphy: “Children’s tooth development begins while the baby is in the womb. Teething usually occurs between the ages of six and nine months. Children usually have their full set of 20 primary teeth (milk teeth, baby teeth or deciduous teeth) by the age of three years. At about the age of six years, the first permanent teeth erupt (push through the gum).”

My Response: Gee thanks, Nah!  I write three or four times a week about the children and their tooth development.  Would you care to do a quest column?  Just send 200 pounds of gold along with you 5,000,000 word essay (none of which will be returned) and I’ll consider it.  Are some trees deciduous?  Delete.

From valarieuc1: “Porn Every heyday [web link] jessica biel … [many many dirty words…]

My Response: Vals, in our heyday, a bar of soap was applied to the mouth to rid the vocabulary of such filth.  Delete.  PS: Jessica Biel is hot!

Okay!  That’s all I can take for now.  Don’t you feel better?  Laughter is good for the soul.  The sole of a size 12 boot deletes the spam. 

Keep calm and spam on!