On The 2024 US Presidential Selection

In the good old US of A, it’s like the past five years never happened. Heck, all of history never happened. There is no history. In ‘Murica, it’s always year stupid. And once again, millions of kind-hearted well-meaning folks are gearing up for this November’s pending Great Quadrennial Black Mass™. Just kidding. That’s what I started calling US presidential elections many years ago when things were a little more fun. In full disclosure, I have not voted in any election since 2012 when I finally grew tired of writing in “Hon. Dr. Ron Paul of Texas” to absolutely no effect. I also have an atavistic aversion to insane acts, retardery, and satanism. But I really do understand why so many of my fellow consumer units still pretend to enjoy the political process. I understand, I love you people, and I want to help! So, here is my little guidebook for better voting.

It all starts with breathing. Yes, I know you can breathe. Everyone not named Joe Biden inhales and exhales. But do you breathe correctly? I suspect not. Luckily, back in the 90s, Dr. Andrew Weil wrote a fantastic book called 8 Weeks To Optimum Health which has since been revised and improved. Buy that and read it. Weil covers proper breathing at length. And it just so happens you have about eight weeks to prepare. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Full, deep breathing to oxygen-charge the bloodstream. 

Sleeping is critical too. Most postmodern people don’t get enough quality rest. Cats sleep 22 hours per day. Biden sleeps 25. Ordinary adults need somewhere between six and ten hours—hence, the rough “eight-hour” average. Keep it dark, cool, quiet, and comfortable and you’ll experience wonders.

A proper diet and adequate hydration are necessary for healthy physical and mental functioning. As we’re talking about Amerikans, I’ll just let this part slide. On election day, and maybe the night before, do try to cut back just a tad on the alcohol and dope. No, strike that. There’s no point in fighting through temporary withdrawal symptoms when you’re… Moving on!

You’re out of shape. Hell, you’re American’ts, so you’re probably barely upright and conscious. There’s not enough time, so I won’t ask you to lose the 100 or so pounds you need to shed. But you must be as fit as possible on election day. Treat it like any other sport. I’ve come up with a plan that incorporates warming up, stretching, weight training, and wind sprints. We’ve got to get you… Come to think of it, you treating this like any other sport means you sitting on the couch, cheap booze in hand, staring at Plato’s electric cave wall. So be it. But instead of ESPN, please remember to flip over to the very honest and intelligent professionals (hahahaha) at FOX or CNN. Don’t forget your nachos. 

Practice makes perfect. Fail to plan and plan to fail. Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without. Other pop psychology references. Make sure you’re registered to vote! I don’t think that’s a requirement anymore, but let’s be on the safe side. Know what day to vote. I think it’s, ironically, on Guy Fawkes Day this year, but, not paying any attention to this foolishness, I could be wrong. Find out for certain. And for Pete’s sake, know where you’re supposed to vote. If you’re an in-person voter, then know where your polling place is. Practice driving or walking there on a daily basis. Plan your primary route and backup routes. Do timed runs at different times of the day. Carry an umbrella. On the Big Day(!), they may not require proof of citizenship or eligibility, though they may require a goofy face diaper or proof you’ve been poisoned with a cancer-accelerating, DNA-altering, sterility-inducing substance. Know these details in advance. If you’re one of those newfangled mail-in voters, then find out where your mailbox or local Post Office is located. It might have moved since the last time you checked. A day late is a dollar short. Measure twice, cut once.

Whether it’s on paper or a screen, you’ll have to make a decision. Your entire adult life is probably a testament that you don’t do that very well. Still, I have faith in you! This part assumes—(why, why, why do I bother?)—assumes you’re mildly literate. Here, and only here, it gets tricky. I cannot and will not vote for you. Remember? I do care about this idiocy to begin with. This is your personal choice. You can write in anyone you please (Ron Paul, RuPaul, “Dude who sold Jack the magic beans”, etc.). You can vote for a third-party candidate (Jill Stein, Libertarian X, and so forth). Odds are, you already want to vote for the trusted Uniparty ticket. Forget “right” and “left” wing, Democrat and Republican. ‘Murica only has an evil wing. So it’s probably gonna be Trump/Baphomet or Harris/Moloch, amirite? Good. For. You. However you vote, don’t forget to accept a little “I voted” sticker on your way out. That’s how they track your obedience.

If you happen to miss a step or make a mistake, know that it’s okay. You or a name/number like you has probably already voted. Probably many times. As many times as they need. I’m not going to say that none of this matters. Nor will I say there isn’t going to be an election. This year or ever again. Or that your last mostly honest election was between Carter and Ford. Don’t reflect on the fact you’ve voted and voted since 1976 and nothing has changed for the better. I won’t bore you with my theory that they’re going to install Harris (or Ol’ Orange Tweets) as their puppet and continue to let Tony “I come to you not as an American…” Blinken or someone like him run the charade on behalf of the cabal. You need not think about the observable fact we’re beyond the point where the international luciferians who own the US no longer need the politicians, let alone the voters anymore. Don’t consider what Saint Paul said about those who consent to the wickedness of others—others, say, in and of a satanic cult and terrorist organization masquerading as a government. Do vote like this is the last time because there’s an increasingly likely chance this will be the final dog and pony show. 

Get your sticker and get out. I can’t be at all polls, after-the-fact mail drop locations, or overseas data farms. So, just as you imagine you’re practicing your democracy, pretend I’m waiting outside with a gold star and a hug for you. You can do this. I believe in you. I am proud of you. I bet you are the best voter you know. You are special. Your vote counts. So do you. Go get ‘em, tiger!

Stultorum suffragium.

*Author’s Note: Some interesting writings about countries, people, and happenings that matter are coming soon(ish)!