Much as David Letterman gets letters, I get spam.  This does not include comments from any of you, dear readers.  These are wacky emails from people selling crap or trying to con me into (or out of) something or attempting to hack my computer.  I check all of these missives for the few real comments which get inappropriately grouped in with the other crap.  The rest I usually delete.  I decided to share of few of the most recent fishing hooks with you, along with my hypothetical responses.  Without any further ado, here are the … Tales from the spam filter…

From Uncover the Truth About Someone: “Wonderful work! This is the type of info that should be shared around the internet. Shame on Google for not positioning this post higher! Come on over and visit my website . Thanks =)”

My Response: Well gee, it’s getting to when I google some generic items, I get my own articles on the subject – high on the list of sites.  My site pops right up when searched for.  As for your site, I think I’ll pass.  Thanks.  Delete!

From Your Confidential Background Check Bobbii: “Thanks for all of your efforts on this site. My mother takes pleasure in conducting research and it is obvious why. Many of us learn all of the lively medium you produce both useful and interesting tricks by means of this web site and as well as recommend contribution from website visitors about this theme and our favorite child is studying a whole lot. Take advantage of the remaining portion of the year. You’re performing a very good job.”

My Response: Bobbii??  I’m happy your mother likes research.  My mother enjoys gardening.  I am also relieved you find my tricks interesting.  I turn em for free, after all!  Your favorite child has a recommended medium?  Lost me there.  Delete!

From htc Themes: “I appreciate, cause I found exactly what I used to be taking a look for. You’ve ended my 4 day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye” 

My Response:  Four days!?  Dammit, son!  Glad I could help.  Is “htc” the same as “thc?”  Delete!

From Elmira Throne (a course facilitator…): “This was a actually very excellent publish. In theory I’d prefer to write like this also – getting time and actual effort to make a wonderful piece of writing… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and by no means seem to obtain a thing done.” 

My Response: I theoretically excellent publish very.  The things done I obtain are – what can I say – excellent publish.  Delete!

From Penis Enlargement: “Hunt fore to city solon. Large blog article.More thanks again. Major.”

My Response: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…  Delete!  As if…

From Georgiann: “You need targeted traffic to your website so why not try some for free? There is a VERY POWERFUL and POPULAR company out there who now lets you try their traffic for 7 days free of charge. I am so glad they opened their traffic system back up to the public! Sign up before it is too late: [uncited website].”

My Response: And, after 7 days, they bill me a $1000 and use my server to conduct European corporate espionage?  I’m too UNPOPULAR.  Sorry.  Delete!

From Tennille Polizio: “The problem is how many people can relate. Since I am “out of touch” I have yet to figure out which posts will get a lot of comments and which won’t. In fact, usually when I write what I think is a great post”

My Response:  I can relate!  Being out of touch I … the Polizios of East BFE??? Well, write great post!  Delete!

From money choice: “Hello very nice blog!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Wonderful . . I’ll bookmark your site and take the feeds additionally? I’m satisfied to search out a lot of helpful information here in the submit, we need work out extra strategies on this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .”

My Response: . . . . . . . . . .  Guy?  Do you know the origins of “Guy?”  You calling me a “Guy” like I’m beneath you, MF’er??? I’m satisfied after several cups of coffee early in the morning, know what I mean?  You keep the strategies.  Delete!

From Suereuhfeem: “Привет!У меня есть хорошая новость Тогда читайте новость – [cite?] – Бесплатная доска объявлений sumy.ua , [cite?] – Бесплатная доска объявлений г.Сумы, bazar.sumy.ua , [cite?] – доска объявлений г.Сумы и [cite?] [cite?] – доска bazar.sumy.ua или [cite?] – Добавить объявление Бесплатная доска г.Сумы … Удачи Всем!”

My Response:  Uhhhhhh? Delete.

From Penis Enlargement (a multi-spamer!!): “Thanks for other large accumulation. Where added could anyone get that write of substance in much an nonsuch way of work? I possess a presentment succeeding period, and I am on the see for specified info.”

My Response: I think I know where this “large accumulation” and “substance” stuff is going.  I possess a proclamation descending exclamation, we may over the tree for generic generality.  Delete!

I tolerate all of this abuse and more in order to bring to you, the beloved reading public, the best ravings any madman ever ranted.  Honestly, I foresee funny much over for writing substances Gobblededy gooppey looopey loofus.  Agreed and we will share commencement for all future interactive proclivity?  Hee, hee…..